THE OMNISCIENT EDITOR.

Woodville Examiner, Volume VII, Issue 659, 30 January 1891, Page 2 (Supplement)

THE OMNISCIENT EDITOR.

(NEW YORK NEWS.)

Should the various lunatic asylums of this country ever bo called upon to give up the dark secrets of their prison-houses, it will probably bo found that prominent among tho most violent and dangerous forms of insanity is that which has been developed in the case of the American newspaper man to whom has been allotted for any length of time the duty of writing the “Answers to Correspondents.” It has long been a popular fallacy among a numerous class of people that the presiding genius of this department of the modern newspaper is an individual of decidedly Munchausenish proclivities, whose special delight it is to manufacture in tho retirement of tho editorial sanctum these remarkable questions and their appropriate answers for the purpose of simply filling up space in tho paper. How foolishly untrue is this assumption is best known to the long-suffering man who groans and sweats over the daily batch of forty or fifty letters, each one of which has to bo carefully road through and answered according to the best of his knowledge and belief.

Many of the questions suomuted relate to scientific matters, history, art, authorship, etc., oftentimes requiring long and patient research among the huge tomes and ponderous folios of the editorial library. This part of the work is done cheerfully, as a rule, for to the man who “loves God and his fellowmen ” it is always a pleasure to give information and encouragement to the earnest seeker after truth, even though it has to be delved for before it can be imparted.

A very large proportion of the questions, however, are about the most frivolous subjects. One correspondent wishes to know ‘• if the Vanderbilts indulge in family prayers ? and if so, who leads ?” A man in Florida inquires—“ How far it is from Key West to Vancouver’s Island? How long would it take to make the journey, and what sort of a place is it anyway after you get there?” Another buttonholes the editor on the subject of foreign missions, and wishes to know whether any amount of the “ moral pockethandkcrchief business will overcome tho Chinaman’s predilections for fan-tan and opium.” An ambitious youth wants to travel the royal road to tho medical profession, and modestly inquires for information as to the best shop where he may secure a bargain in a diploma. A ruraliat, hailing from Podunk Cross Roads, would like to have the editor look in the directory and find out for him where John Smith lives. He went to ’York about a year ago, and may be in Harlem or Hoboken by this time; but anyway, he’s got a squint in his left eye and were blue goggles when he left home.

Then there is the maiden all forlorn, who asks whether a girl in New York would consider that “ stiddy company ” was meant “if a fellow tobk a girl to a picnic, and walked home from church with her twice.’’

A boy over in Jersey has been told that bulla and bears run around loose in Wall street. He “ would like to know if the statement is true.” Is it any wonder that, after getting through with a batch like this, the editor is very, very weary ? These questions are not fancy sketches by any means. They are, in fact, not nearly so ridiculous and exasperating as many others that come in daily. A curious inquirer asks if it would bo advisable for a blonde to marry a blonde, on the theory that opposite types should mate; also—what is the average height of the American woman ? and then flying off at a remarkable tangent, concludes by asking if Mr. Edison proposes to apply the principle of electricity to the air ship, which might in time be brought to such perfection as to enable us to visit sociably ourneighbours on the planet Mars, or spend a pleasant summer on the mountains in the moon.

A youth out in Washington Territory propounds a conundrum: —“What name of an early English poet would you mention to a dog, when yon referred him to a fellow who insisted on coming to see your sister when he had no business to do so? Why, Chaw, sir, •f course I”

A young lady correspondent would like to know the meaning of the oahalistso symbol P. D. Q. Her father vaguely hinted that a certain masculine friend of hers had better cease his visits in that way.

An old maid is bothered at her failure to remember what poet wrote “On. old Long Island’s sea-girt shore.” She can’t sleep nights thinking of it. Would the paper oblige her by printing the poem in its entirety? Also, she wishes to know the population of British Columbia and the best cure for bunions.

An anxious inquirer wants to be told the “ weight of the Brooklyn Bridge and the latest census of Greenwood Cemetery.” He asks, also, “If it is true that the lata Mr. Beecher was in the habit of swearing in his pulpit on hot Sundays.” A Connecticut farmer wishes to know how ho is to ” find out the pedigree of a Jersey cow.” His son asks in a postcript—“ What sort of wild animals exist in Siberia, and where is 4 tho best place to get a snap-shot camera ?”

The stem'quality of American feminine cheek is tested in a letter from a Long Island girl, who writes to find out if a broadbrimmed leghorn hat trimmed with yellow buttercups and white ribbons can be purchased in New York for sdol. If so, would the editor kindly get his wife or some “ lady friend ” to select and send it up, C.0.D., by next Tuesday sure, as she wants it to wear to a picnic ? Many questions come relating to matters of dress. A rural young man is about to be married, and wishing to appear in the eyes of his fair inamorata “ the glass of fashion and mould of form,” seeks advice on gloves and neckties, wants to know how much he is expected to pay the minister, and would be thankful for any other little details appertaining to the important ceremony that may occur to the editorial mind. In this case the editor is apt to compose a little impromptu prayer that his correspondent may get _ a shrew for a wife, as she will certainly have an imbecile for a husband, feels a wild desire to have the fellow choked in a purple necktie, and his hands squeezed into a pair of bright yellow kids three sizes too small, but he takes a little tonic, calms down, and gives kind and sober counsel. A callow youth, whose face shows no sign of downy hirsute honours, wants to know “how soon a fellow ought to begin to shave P” and so on and on, to the end of the wearv list.

Lots of letters come from political pessimists of both parties, and an editor must indeed bo an erudite student of political economy if he hopes to straighten out half the troublesome tangles of the tariff question that are daily submitted to him, A universal curiosity seems to exist about the manners and customs and personal peculiarities of actors and actresses oft the stage. Hundreds write to ask if they dress, eat, sleep, walk, and talk like other people. In many cases the address of such-and-such an actress is requested—with a view possibly to an epistolary flirtation. A silly letter from a not over-scrupulous ballet or chorus girl is a great card for the rural swell, who will smoko and swagger around the country bar-room on the strength of it—to the extent of driving his less fortunate companions to the verge of suicide.

When it became known that Patti had dyed her hair red, every other woman in the country wanted to make a strawberry blonde of herself at once. Scores of letters were received inquiring the particular shade of red, what dyes were used to produce it, and where they could be obtained. The colourman’s fortune might have been quickly made if the editor had not neglected to devote the time and research necessary to carry out so largo a contract for free advertising. To sum up, the man who has charge of the correspondents’ column must he a shining light of extra dynamo power. He must keep himself charged to the point of bursting with useful information on all subjects. He must have, besides, more patience than Job, in his ignorance of the requirements of the modem newspaper, ever dreamed of, and be au allround, wide-awake, good-natured fellow to boot.