FACETIÆ.

Woodville Examiner, Volume VII, Issue 659, 30 January 1891, Page 1 (Supplement)

FACETIÆ.

FL'RGESON'.S KICK, (peck’s SUIO

Strolling one day last week in an aimless sort of way through Central Park, I saw Furgeson, a young gentleman with whom I am slightly acquainted. He was sitting on a bench wearing a linen duster and a look of unutterable woe. I naturally asked him what was the cause of his mental depression, and he replied candidly that it was his wife, to whom ho had recently been married.

“ The old story—too much mother-in-law, I suppose 'f ” I remarked. “ No, it’s not that. I took good care to marry an orphan. The trouble is, my wife has taken to painting plaques, decorating china, etc. It seems that fad is reviving among the New York women, and my wife has got it had,” replied Furgcsou, with a sigh. I remarked that I thought painting china was rather a harmless sort of fad.

“ Yes, that’s what I thought until I had some actual experience.” “ How did your wife acquire the habit r” “ From a Mrs. Flam, who lives in my neighbourhood. Mrs. Flam has no children and nothing else to keep her busy, so she cultivates the various fads. I had noticed that my wife had something on her mind, and at last she told mo that she was going to decorate some plates.” “ You should have discouraged the idea at once.”

“ I did, but it was too late. I told her that in ray opinion the proper way fer a wife to decorate a plate was to first warm the plate and then decorate it with some nice roast turkey, a slice or so of the breast, and a second joint preferred with a little of the shifting and some cranberry sauce, Irish potatoes, etc,”

“ What did she say to that ?” “ She replied, bitterly, ‘ that men thought of nothing but their stomachs, and to keep a husband in good humour the only way was to feed the brute,’and from the direction of her eyes I think she meant me.” “ In what way did her painting china plates cause such disastrous results ?” “ Well, in the first place, I remarked that her friend, Mrs. Flam, was kept so busy painting her face that I had not supposed she could find time to paint anythin" else, whereupon my amiable wife responded that some men spent more time in painting their noses than a dozen women did in painting their faces. This was another dig at me, because my nose is a little red on account of my defective circulation.”

“ Did she go to painting china plates f” “ Did she V When I came to dinner on the very next day the table was decorated with the unwashed breakfast dishes, and my wife was riveted to a chair painting away for dear life. I asked her why she was painting a cart-wheel on a plate, and she said it was a passion flower and that I was a fool. I sank wearily into a chair, hut I bounced three feet into the air because I had sat down on a freshly-painted plate on which were two blue and red butterflies, which did not match the new nine-dollar dovecoloured pants I wore. And the way my wife lamented over those butterflies. I’ll have to have a new ceiling made for those pants, but that was a mere trifle compared with what was coming.” “ What other sufferings did you undergo ?" “My sufferings were simply indescribable. I am also a sufferer from'dyspepsia.tand nothing 1 affords me relief except raw whiskey taken internally. I was seized with an acute attack in the middle of the night, and groping my way to the sideboard I took a tremendous swallow. The supposed whiskey felt like a red-hot porcupine going down my throat; but when the doctors got to work with their stomach-pumps, it felt like pulling the same porcupine back by the tail. I had got hold of a bottle containing some preparation for removing paint from the hands. It almost removed me from the face of the earth. Oh! no, there is nothing dangerous about these female fads,” added Furgeson sarcastically, “ Well, you managed to survive.” “ I suppose so, but every day brings about a fresh crisis in the family. It was a week before I even partially recovered from the effects of that remedy for dyspepsia. This morning, just as I was beginning to crawl around, my wife, who had been painting steadily without turning a hair, all at once began to be very affectionate. She said, ‘ Charles, dear, you are looking so much stronger and better. All that you need now is a little fresh air and exercise.’ ”

“ She was certainly very considerate.” “ That’s where I too was fooled, for she hung a basket containing two dozen heavy plates, gaudily painted, on my arm, and told me to take them to a firm that bakes the china plates these fool women paint. What do you say to that ?”

“ That was pretty rough.” “However, I tottered off like a little man, when a flashily-dressed man stopped me and asked how much my boss charged a week to send meals to a family of two. He thought I was a waiter from a restaurant, seeing me with what he supposed was a basket full of dirty dishes, I used some had language, and, before I knew what was coming, he had me down, humping my head on the side walk. Just feel that cushion-shaped wen on the back of ray head. We were separated, and at first I felt a thrill of bliss because all the plates were broken, but I thought of what my artist-wife would say when I got back, and then I strolled into the park and was contemplating suicide when you came up. I expect I have lost my position. 0 ! no, these female fads are perfectly innocent.’’

Teacher (to class) ; “ What is velocity r” Bright Youth; “Velocity is what a man putsa hot plate down with.” Debtor : “ I want to pay that little bill ot yours.” Creditor: “ All right, my clear boy.” Debtor; “ But I can’t.” Teacher : “In what battle was Nelson killed?” Pupil (after reflection); “ I think it was in his last battle.”

Much good can he accomplished in a little time. The repartee you think of fifteen minutes too late might have cost you a friend. The young man should always marry for love, and never for money, of course : hut is it any harder to love a girl because she happens to be rich ? A Definition —Johnny: “ Whatis a theory, pa ?” Pa : “ A theory, my sou, is an impracticable plau for doing something that is impossible.” Why is the Emperor of Austria like a man waiting for his Christmas dinner ? _ Because he has got Hungary, and could do with a slice of Turkey. Visitor at a country house: “ Did you say this was a stone’s throw from the station?” “ Yes." “ Well, I have a great admiration for the man who threw the stone.”

Why is a thief your only philosopher ? Because he regards anything from an abstract point of view, is opposed to all notions of protection, and is open to conviction. Bill collector: “ Now then, sir, look sharp, if you please, I’ve called again for Missfit’s account, and time is money with me.” Dudesou : “ Ah, is it ? Well then, I’ll pay you in time.” A schoolmaster, asked a class of hoys the meaning of the word “appetite.” After a short pause, one little boy said, “ I knows it. When I’m eating I’m happy, and when I’m done I’m tight.” Visitor (iu penitentiary) : “ What brought you to this place, my friend V” Convict: “ Sneezing.” Visitor: “Sneezing?” Convict: “ Yis, sor; it woke the giutleman up, an’ ho nabbed me.” Miss Gusiiinoton : “I admit, Arthur, that this is not the first time I have been engaged, lint I’m sure your noble, generous heart ” Little DroiVr: “ Sis, the baby’s got your bag of engagem t rings.” A wk.u.t; fanner, intending to send bis son to college, ecently wrote a letter to the “ head ma .er of Oxford University,” in which he said : ‘ Please say what your tenns are for a year, and will it cost anything extra if my son learns to write a good band and spell proper, as well as to row a boat.

A little girl was conning her geography lesson, and poring in a puzzled way over the map of Africa. “Dear me,” said her mother, “ when I was at school all the map was white, oxoent round the coast, and we had only a few names to learn.” “Oh, yes,” said the child, “ it’s all through that horrid man Stanley.” Soke years ago a farmer had a dog who, with a penny which he Used to his collar, would run off every afternoon to the baker’s and fetch a roll. On oneoccasiou he came back without the roll two days iu succession. But judge of his owner's surprise when, on the third day, his dog brought home a sausage'. Ho had been saving up the money to give himself a treat.

Bather Hard.— “ I suppose you find this to be a hard, hard world, do you not ?” she said, as she gave the tramp a loaf of stale bread. “ Yes’m,” answered the tramp, trying omake a dent iu the loaf with hiskuife : “ hut we frequently strike things that are harder.”

“ Bon,” said a young fellow to his companion at a fancy fair,“ you are missing all the sights on this side.” “ Never mind, Bill,” retorted Bob ; “ m sighting all the misses on the other.”