Faceline.

Woodville Examiner, Volume 3, Issue 284, 17 September 1886, Page 2 (Supplement)

Faceline.

_ The oarsman cultivates a row-bust physique. The Convocation of Canterbury has a Lay House. It began by sitting. It is better to be alone in the world than to bring a boy up to play on the concertina, German professor (who was about to have his hair cut) —“ How cold it is in this room. Pray allow me to keep my hat on." What this country needs is a scientist who will invent a placid smile to be worn by women when they enter a ’bus or tramcar and can’t find a seat. The editor of a country sheet says :—" We have just seen a new thing in boots.” Can it be that he has gone to the extravagance of a second pair of socks 2 The man who for business goes in, who would like a little more “ tin,” if far seeing and wise, will of course advertise, and he is the man who will win. In order to distinguish one from the other, the dinner-plate must be made smaller or the fashionable button affected by the ladies must be slightly enlargrd. It is possible for a man to commit murder and then keep his secret for years. But no man can eat an onion and hide his crime for more than fifteen minutes, “ Every dog has his day.” This impudent falsehood bears its refutation on the face of it. If every dog had his day there would be about 100,000 days in a month in London. A Swiss mechanic has patented a steam velocipede that has obtained a speed of over twelve miles an hour. Unless the coming man gets here soon he will have no use for legs. Lodgings to Let. —A board hung np in front of a house bears the following inscription : “ Room to Jet on third floor at twentyfive shillings a month. Lowest price twenty shillings." “ I bless Eve for eating that apple,” said a young lady the other day as she stood before the mirror. "Why?” asked a companion. " Because there is such a delight in trying on a new dress when it fits well.” Nothing makes a woman so annoyed as to go to a shoe-shop to buy a pair of cheap slippers for her husband and have the shopman try to sell her the identical pair she has just worked for a present lor her minister. A tramp, whose constant cry was for work, fell asleep, but woke up suddenly with a cold sweat standing in great beads upon his forehead. “ What’s the matter ?” asked his companion. " A frightful dream. I dreamt I was at work.” Our boys play too well for their own good If they go on making such enormous scores, all their matches will necessarily be drawn, Cricket is a funny game. The better you play it the less chance you have of putting off a win. The following is the copy of a bill posted some time ago on the wall of a country village—“ A meeting to show sympathy with Mr. Gladstone’s Home Rale proposals will be held in the open air on next xMonday evening, and a collection will be made at the door to defray expenses." A philosopher once said—“ The gloomiest day in a man’s career is that wherein he fancies there is some easier way of making a pound than by squarely earning it.” . What a deep and continual gloom must enshroud the existence of our small fry bookmakers. The Methodist Times states that a " wellknown English lady has placed £BO,OOO in the hands of a celebrated philanthropist, to be judiciously expended in alleviating the social misery at home. Good work this.” Yes ; if the celebrated philanthropist does not decamp with the lot. Talk about the insignificance of the colonies. Why, many a king or other potentate might die, and the event never be heard of in this part of the world ; but a young Australian in London happens to hurt hia finger, and three million people read cablegram bulletins as to the progress of his re» covery. Cock-a-doodle-doo 1 Jones—" Yes, sir, it is mighty hard to collect money just now. I know’it.” Smith—- " Indeed 1 Have you tried to collect and failed?” Jones—"Oh, no.” Smith—'“How then do you know that money is hard to collect ?” Jones—“ Because several people have tried to collect of me.” The following model verdict was lately rendered by a jury in an assault and battery case : “We find the prisoner guilty of an assault on the person of Almond Latimer, on or about the 28th inst., under great provocation. We further say that, under like circumstances, we would have been guilty ourselves." Customer—“ I would take that coat, Mr. Isaacstein, but it smells musty.” Mr. Isaacstein—“ Dot goat musty ? Jacob, meinison, schmell dot goat.” Jacob (smelling of the coat)—“ I no sdim 11 de goat musty.” Mr. Isaacstein (with a superior smile)—" See dot nose ? He no schmell dot goat musty;” Primitive Simplicity.—Tailor : " You have recently inherited a nice lump of money from your uncle; why don’t yon pay me ?” Customer : “ I hate all outward show. I don’t want it to be said that my newly-ac-quired wealth has caused a departure from my former simple habits." A few nights ago, a country lady wanted to drive a few tacks into her carpet, so she went to a drawer where she kept such things, and an the darkness reached in and picked up what she supposed was half a dozen tacks. She tried to drive them into the carpet, only she didn’t, for they were cloves instead of tacks, and though sharp enough to the taste, they were not pointed enough to drive. Of course, her family didn’t laugh at her. Oh no. In an American court there is a suit in progress to decide who is the owner of a petrified chicken. One man found it on another man’s land and both claim the ownership. This seems to be a foolish expense to go to if there are as many boarding houses in that country as there are in Australia, A man could go into a Melbourne cheap restaurant and get all the old petrified chickens that he could conveniently carry away, and it wouldn’t be half as expensive as a law-suit. Scene, the Stock Exchange, two men discussing the relative merits of their pointers. No. 1 avers his dog won’t go out with him. when his cartridges don’t fit his gun, etc. No. 2, “Well, I admit, sir, that your dog exhibits an intelligence almost akin to reason, but I don’t mind backing mine against him, I was in Cheapside the other mornin’ with that dog, sir, and a man I was acquainted with came out of a house. Sir, my dog pointed at him. I called to that dog, sir, but nothing would induce him to move, sir. So I went up to the stranger. 1 Sir,’ X said, ‘ would you oblige me with your name, sir V 1 Certainly,’ replied the stranger, * my name is Partridge.' ” All the talk going on about the “ decline of the turf ” is nonsense. The fact that fewer horses were nominated for the great handicaps this year than last is not of the slightest consequence. The quality of the horses nominated is the great criterion as to the decline or improvement of the turf. The good ones are still there j never mind the weeds. And another thing. The turf here has out-grown its legitimate bounds, Horseracino- should be the business or amusement of those who can afford to lose money. Half our owners are struggling trainers or dealers who have no business on the turf at all. If the so-called decline shows merely the loss of some of the latter class and their equine refuse, the gj n to the colonies will be great. “ The height of impudence ” is defined to be calling one doctor up to learn the address • of another doctor,