THE PASSING SHOW.

Wanganui Herald, Volume XX, Issue 5881, 17 April 1886, Page 2

THE PASSING SHOW.

X hold the world but as the world, Gratlano, A stage where every man must play his part. —Shakespeare (Merchant of Venice).

The Rev, Robert Linklater, of Holy Trinity, Stroud Green, North London, should have been born some time in the middle ages, to judge from an extraot from a recent English paper. The rev. gentleman, it appears, "has now enforced from the pulpit the doctrines and practices of Asceticism, not merely in the sense of self denial, but in that of the self infliotion of actual pain and discomfort, etc., etc." If these principles are to be "enforced," we shall donbtleas meet with auoh sartorial advertisements as these, "Fashionable sackcloth undershirt, guaranteed to duly mortify the flesh, only 11s 9i," or "Patent knotted scourges for self punishment, 3a 9d." " N»B. Very useful in large families where there are boys." Heigho ! I am afraid we live in far too sceptical an age to take to the sackoloth and ashes business againt I should like to know how many of the rev. gentleman's congregation followed his advioe. * # * The Hot Springs must be a very expensive place of residence for a wioked wine Dibber, judging from the " wine card " of a Rotorua hotel. A modest B and Sis Is, whiskey 10s a bottle, port and sherry 10s, brandy 15s, ohsmpa&ne 20s. If the above tariff prevailed in New Zealand hotels the Blue Ribbonists would find their forces mightily, increased. But stay, perphaps the " wine card " is for the benefit of the globetrotters, who are already victimised by a set of rapacioui harpies, in the shape of Maori guides. Fools and their money are soon parted, and if that wine list is extensively patronised at the prioes quoted, I should say the visitors have more money than sense. *# ' ♦ One week the Heads directors have their little flutter, now it is the turn of the Tuhua folks. lam Bare we ought to be thankful to both companies for their kindness in providing such amusing reading these dull times. One thing is evident from the Tuhua business, and that is that the money of investors is simply " chucked " sway by some of thoße who manage, or rather mismanage, our local enterprises. When we remember the congratulatory speeches at the launch of that unfortunate boat, the eucomiuma passed on the builders (after the caref ulexamination by the talented Mr Openshaw, who never really tried the bulkheads at all, and that by his own confession), and the chorus of self praise and butter all round, Why, it is enough to make those who have money to speculate (and they »re precious few) cry shame on the muddling and mismanagement whioh prevails, and refuse to evar again support any local undertaking* j * * * 1 Mother Shipton, Dr Gumming, old Moore, l Zadkiel, and others of the prophet class have all had their shot at the probable date of the world's end, but so far all such attempts have only ended in ridicule. An Austrian astronomer has been making calculations, and gives us only until next November, whioh is cruel, as some of ns could do with j another summer, so as not to have too sadden a change of temperature. I wish he would make it about next April. * * * The average annual crop of new poets at Home is about 70, and their productions certainly don't seem to improve in quality. A Mr Steggal is one of the latest claimants of the wreath of fame. He has published some "Sonnets of the City." To Cleopatra's needle, that ugly and useless encumbrance on the Thames embankment, he has an ode beginning thus : "Oh petrified past! Concrete antiquity!" Another on St. Paul's begins thus : "Grandeur sublime 1 Heaven daring, dreadful Dome." It's no good Mr Steggal's trying to blast real poetry out of himtelf, if this is all he can produce* It's worse than our looal productions, and that's saying a great deal. * * # We were all very keen in tobacco culture here about a year or so ago, owing to the visit of that smiling old German duffer who shall be nameless, but who, to use an expression of Bret Harte'a, '' played it low on an innocent community." He took to favouring the Hawke's Bay people, distributed seed, floated a syndicate, and was to do all sorts of wonderful things. Meantime, the tobacco has been "a growing and a growing," but not a soul will purchase it, and, worse than this, there is now in Napier another expert named Mr Harvell, who denounces, in no measured terms, our quondam GermanYankee aB an ignoramus— of course, as regards tobacco. The seed distributed, says the new expert, was worthless, and the tobacco produced only worth 3d a lb for ■heep wash* He recommends the procuring of seed direct from Connecticut, and has absolutely no faith whatever in the Auokland people. As it is said that Mr Harvell is about to address the provisional directors of the Napier Company on tobacco culture, it may be as well if our Wanganui papers republished his remarks. * * * We all know, that is all of us who read our Hebam>. the Wise Deacon j we also know the "Man who pawned his trousers for medicine," likewise the "Free passage to England per direct steamer," likewise " That mysterious disease which is affecting the people of this country," and so on, but we have not yet been afflicted with "The brotherhood of man.'' Look out for it, oh newspaper readers, it is a cunning invention of the advertisement fiend, and is a worse sell than even all its forerunners. It pervades the Wellington papers, and I must say is a very oleverpieoe of work, Weahall have it in our local journals erelong* Beware! # "Jfr "ft" Many happy returns of the 14th April to ourownG.O.M., Sir George Grey, H years of age, and may he yet learn wisdom, and stop talking nonsense, as to serfs, the unborn millions and such like bunkum.- * * * I'm not a betting man, but I should say it is all Lombard Street to a China orange that Mr Gladstone's Irish scheme will not pass, and that a Btrong Whig-cum-Tory combination.will take office, With all willingness to see poor Erin get justice, the English people are far from being agreeable to any disruption of the Empire, and in plain language the Gladstone scheme simply spells " Separation*" What will come to pass if Gladstone goes out is difficult to say. Some scheme of local government, with very limited powers, with an alternative of coercion if the soheme, will be not accepted. I am afraid that there are still more evil times in store for the ill-fated Emerald Isle, and that right early. * * * A Maori named Tare Peina steals a horse, saddlo, and bridle at Putiki, rides it to Eakaramea, and sells the lot for £2 155. The Maori gets three years' penal servitude. He may be in all probability an unmitigated scamp, but still I consider that a very large share of the responsibility lies with the man who bought the horse, saddle, and bridle for £2 15s; Horseflesh must be pretty cheap np Kakaramea way, if such prices prevail. It is good news to all lovers of true sport versus money grabbing to learn that the visitors' share of the gate money in the approaohing Australian Eleven's matches at Home will go to the Melbourne Club, not to individual members of the team. Each man will get his expenses and a little over, the balance to be divided between the Club and the Melbourno charities. This is a step in the right direction. * * # Even the professional jester must doff his cap and bells in the presence of grim Death, and, indeed, the sudden and awful news about the Taiaroa must have made many a heart quail. Oh, the pity of it ! the cruel cold night ! the irreparable mistakes ! and the awfu) results I Surely it should teach all owners of coastiog boats a lesson, namely, to have their steamers' boats always ready, provided with food, ropes, and spirits, and most significant lesson of all, let there be plenty of lifebelts. * * * A query re our local Wellington boats, They run In all weathers, on a stormy coast, they are both old and patched up, though doubtless seaworthy. But neither, at leaßt I am so informed, have sufficient boat aocommadation for the passengers carried, the boats are generally filled up with packages, cumbered with deck gear, and, mark this, are not provided with the least provisions or euppiy of water, I make these assertions

with all due reserve, and subject to correction, I trust I have been misinformed. * * • » The intelligent colonial who goes Home for a trip sometimes uses his spare hours to hia no small peouuiary advantages. The latest thing in colonial company mongering is the Otago Wool Growers' Company, capital £100,000, the idea being to work the runs of a certain Dunedin firm, Bituated on the sides of Lake Wakatipu. The Dunedin Herald pithily says — " There does not appear to be any shares reserved for distribution in this colony*— it is about an well, perhaps, as there would not likely be any applications". The company is to take over some runs recently held by the Loan and Mercantile Company, and abandoned by them," says the Herald, "as worthless." The " barren, but romantic, hills of Lake Wakatipu, are described to the confiding Londoner as " large tracts of fertile lands, and by inference adapted "to the growth of wheat, oats, barley, turnips, fruit, etc. Surely Sir Dillon Bell should interfere in a case like this. * * # Respecting another New Zealand enterprise advertiaad in the London "papers, viz, "The Thames Foreshore Gold Recovery Company, limited, the Figaro Bays— "No wise peraon will inveafc in. any enterprise whioh is headed ' This advertisement will not be repeated. — New Zealand is in a bad odour in the financial world, but this scheme haa not the doubtful merit of being brought forward' under the auspices of the Government of the colony.'" These are nasty words my friends, and do ub much harm* Another case for Sir Dillon Bell, * * ♦ Mr Eugene Hnghey, of Ashford, Catt, Co., New York, is indeed an extraordinary Yankee, When cutting up an American | cheese at Chatham, Kent, the sand -and- ! BUgar young man found embedded in the cheetie a miniature glasß bottle containing the following very queer epibtle :— " Ashford, New York, August 15, 1885. Whoever receives this letter will please be j kind enough to send the names of some respectable young ladies to correspond with some young gentlemen of this place, Yours, etc, EUOKMB HUGHBY, ASBTOKD, Catt, Co., New York." This is a vovelty in wifeBecking, and beats the Matrimonial News or the matrimony column of the ' London Journal into a cooket hat. Such enterprise is surely worth rewarding, and I hope Mr Eugene Hnghey has by this time satisfie his wish for amatory correspondence. We Bhall be discovering blank proposals (to be filled in at the wish of the receiver) in kerosene tins next, and billets deux, enolosed with tinned salmon, * * * A young lady asked her beau-last night to show her the " osculation of Jupiter." By Jupiter ! I will," he replied, aB he gave her ' " a long long kiss j a kiss of youth and love" (Byron ahem !) •• Oh 1 how nice I" exclaimed the fair astronomer as she recoverd her breath, "is there often an osculation George T" " Oh lots dear in the honeymoon," replied the gay deceiver as he gave his fair pupil another lesson in the occult science of osculation i LaUKCB.