BRIEF MENTION.

Waimate Daily Advertiser, Volume XVI, Issue 146, 15 April 1914, Page 4

BRIEF MENTION.

ZNTBLLIGENCE AND HUMOUR. There are 64 places of amusement in Aucklaaid, and 59 in [Wedlingkxn. 'Mlastorton is endeavouring to raise, a sum of £26,000 for watei' oxtension . The happiness of a bridegroom was somewhat marred at the Bluff recently when some person enteired his home and stole his trousers, in the pockets pf Avhich was C 22, 18s 2d.

At the Gore. Police Court Bridget Wallis, a married woman, was fined £2ofor keeping a house as a resort for the consumption of liquor.

(Pairing A his mp.nth w-o-rehit-) penis oif Shakespeare the world over will celebrate the 3,50 th anniversary of the poet's birth. «

"She Stoops to Gonqrioir,''by Oliver Goldsmith makes a very good subject for the cinema, ilt [bias been produced for an English company of picture providers. The Minister o,f Internal Affairs has decided that Paradise ducks, shall not be shojt in any district this season.

"Doos your husband play cards for money?" "X don't- think so.' relpliod Mrs Torkins. "But those wlio plaiy with him do." Since his arrival in Wellington Mr Bernard Page, the Oitjy Organist), iias driven twenty recitals, and in those recitals he has included thirty circhestral and operatic, items.

iTho average takings of Mr Bernard Page's recitals have been £ll Os d.d; nfiid r Mr Maugham Baimolfr's., hi* predecessor, takings during a .similar period were £8 odd. "Some adjectives," said a school teacher, "arc made from nouns, such as 'dangerous,' meaning full of danger, and 'hazardous,' full of hazard. Can any boy give me. another example?" "(Yes, sir." replied a fat bay, "Pious—full of pie."

In the Supreme Court at New .York the owners of the Minneapolis are being sued for 3,000d01. damages for burning a passenger at sea instead of bringing the body to New [York.

The coal required for one journey between Liverpool and New York by the present-day liners would till 22 trains of 30 trucks, each containing ton tons.

Fair Yankee, who, on her visit to England, has been told how extremely obliging the London police-man is;: "Say, would you vurry kindly do up my sho'Q-string?"

Before a license for a public-house on a new estate was refused at Bedford Brewster Sessions it was stated that if the license were grunted the brewers wen: willing to give a site for a church.

Mrs Enright: "Suppose I |wcj<,e, tv> die, what would you do,?" Mr Enright,: "Why, I would simply go crazy." Mrs Enrighl: "Marry again.?' Mr Enright.: "Oh, not that crazy."

Paris adds to its revenue by the direction of a little vState orchard in the Luxembourg Gardens, just as it takes its share of the profits of the Eiffel Tower.

Mrs Clarke came running hurriedly into her husband's office one morning. "Oh Dick!" she cried, as she gasped for breath, "I dropped my diamond ■-ing off my linger .and I can't' find it " lanywilieriw." "Ht's ,all right. Be?s." "replied Mr Clarke, "I came across it in my trousers' pocket." The skins of 100,000 animals aro usod every year for the covers of Oxford ißibLtis .uUoiie, and 400.000 sheets of gold are required for.the :,;'i 'e'living. I will c -'''ess to you," she said,

"thai i am older than I look. I ,wiH i,c H! -iv next birthday." "Reallyl" lie replied. "Hardly cinyonc would guess that you were more than about 29." "That's the last time,' she said, whon ho'd departed, "that I'll ever try to be nice to a brute." The City holelkeopors in "Wellington liavo decided lo increase their tariffs when the new hotel employees' award, including the six-day week, beoo'meS o.perafjvei. Firs.ti.cl ass nouses will raise tho daily charge for accommodation Is Gd, and secondclass houses by is.

A lady visitor to a hospital found a patient convulsed with laughter, and inquired the reason. "They've givein me a track, ma'am," he gashed. "Yes." 'lt's a track against dancing." "Well?" 'Both my legs are cut off," and again he laughed like a schoolboy.

The financial records of the Auckland Harbour Board show that during the past year the revenue was £OO,295 9s 7d, leaving a credit halance oyer expenditure of £2,022 Os 7d, which was substantially the same a. 3 during 1912 , but there was an actual loss of £q.67jO in revenue arising from the strike. "AVecl, iwecl," said a bailie to the assessor, (When a youth was brought up before him for some trifling -offence, "ye ken ye mauna be ower hard on the puir fellow! "We were laddied ance oorsels, and I suppose I was as big a fuie as any o' fchem when I was young." : "And you're not an old man, yet, bailie!" remarked the assessor blandly. The opening meet of the AVaimate Hiunt will take place to-morrow at the Kennels. The throw-off is timed for 1.30, .An old woman of tremendous size hailed a tramcar, and with considerable, difficulty managed Ho' climb up and get a seat inside. When .she was comfortably settled, .she lo,cked round at a man seated behind her, and said with vigour,: "If you'd been !arf a man you'd "ave, 'elped me hup." The man gave a weary smile, and replied: "If you 'ad only'been 'arf the woman you are, I migltf ?, ave 'ad a try.' The Timaru branch of the Reform League haa decided to ask Mr F. H. Smith, at present member for "WaAtaki, to contest the Timara seat for the Reform Party at the general ele<v tion. An old ""Wee Free" woman was walking to church in Scotland wiph her family. The Church of Scot&Md

ministdr rode pas t at a tremendous rn.be and the old woman said to her children, "Sicoan a wey to be ridin' and this the Sawbeth day I Awceli, aweeL a good man is merciful toiliis beastf" Shortly afteir,wu.rds the, "Wee, IVec" minister rode past just as furiously, but she changed her tone. '.'Ah, there he goes 1" she cried; "there he goes; the Lord bices him! Puir man, his heart's in his •work, an' lie's eager to be at it!"

A young man engaged board and loidgings in a private family who •were extremely devout. Before each meal a long grace was said. To their dismay and, horror the new boarder sut bolt upright, while the others at the table reverently bowed their heads. .When the second day passed and thel young man evinced no disposition to unbend, the good lady of the house could endure the situation no longer. "Atheism?" she asked sharply. "No, ma,ara," humbly responded the new boardei "boil."

The superintendent of a Sunday school was illustrating for the children the text: "Arise and take the young child and his mother . and floo into Egypt." Showing them a larg-e. picture, she asked: "Now in not that splendid? Here is the mother. .Here is the young child. Theinefs i» the distance." The children, however, looked disappo.int.od, and finally a litLLe boy piped out: "Whorel's the flGa?"