WIT AND HUMOUR

Wanganui Chronicle, Volume 79, Issue 145, 20 June 1936, Page 13

WIT AND HUMOUR

A doctor recommends sherry for seasickness Port is better still. People used to fall into temptation, now they motor there at 60 miles an hour. I he angler may not be an emotional man; but after a day’s fishing he generally has a catch in his voice. “I’ve had the same servant for eight years without a break,” states a writer on domestic subjects. The perfect maid! f Where arc old ‘ boarding-house ( rissoles’ of yesterday?” asks a caterer. Not ifl the Irish stew of to-day we hope. Snails are said to recognise one another at a distance of five yards. We can only presume that snails never owe one another any money. • • • “Bachelors should beware of married people; they are mostly incurable matchmakers, ’> says a writer. There is a grave risk of being caught by the tied. “Many people would enjoy gardening more if it were not so strenuous,” says a writer. We ourselves are looking forward eagerly to the invention of a combination deck-chair and motor lawn-mower. Believe It or Not “Down where I. live,” said the Texan, “we grew a pumpkin so big that when we cut it my wife used one half of it for a cradle.” “Well,” smiled the man from Chicago, “that’s nothing. A few days ago right here, two full-grown policemen were found asleep on one beat.It’s All Money. was feeling in kindly mood after being driven home in a taxi. As he paid the fare, he searched through hs notecase for a new ten-shilling note. ”1 suppose,’’ he said to the driver, “you would rather have clean money?” “Don’t you worry yourself, sir,” replied the man. “I ain’t particular how you made your dough.”

| Another time that two heads are bet- { ter than one is when you’re tossing a coin. ”A boxer’s life is full of reverses,” says a referee. O.K. one minute and K.O. the next. Unique. Airman (after landing in a tree): “1 was trying to make a new record” , Farmer: “You did You’re the first man to climb down that tree before climbing up it.’’ Surprise Old Lady (meeting a one-legged tramp in the street): “Poor man, you have lost a leg, haven’t you?” Tramp (looking down): “Well, I'll be darned if I haven’t!” Tempting ”1 say, waiter, the flowers on this table are artificial, aren’t they?” ' “Yes, sir. That’s the worst of running a vegetarian restaurant—if we use real flowers the customers eat 1 them!” I Time to Stop. Clerk (reading '•eport of Cabinet Minister’s speech); “I hope this is true. He says that the battle against depression is won.” Colleagues: “Let’s show that to the 1 boss, and perhaps he will cease firing.” < Unprintable! The schoolteacher had set the class to write an essay on “The Funniest ’ Thing I ever Saw.” All the time his class-mates were 1 busily writing, the lazy boy of the class sat dreaming at the back of the room. Presently the teacher came over to see how he was getting on. At the top of the sheet of paper he had written: ”The funniest thing I ever saw was too funny for words.” To Be Sure Hotel Page: “Telegram for Mr. i Neidspondiavanci, Mr Neidspond|a- ’ vanci! ’’ Mr. Neidspondiavanci: “What initial please?” < • • • • Some men have bitter thoughts to I bear Some men have thoughts of bit- i ter beer. When a gir] has a vacant look, it’s ’ usually because some man is occupying ' her mind.

I have never lost my boyhood pas« siori lor Climbing trees,” confesses a bishop.. It just shows that you can’t keep a good man down. The world is full of willing peoplesonic willing to work and the rest willing to let them. ‘ I swear by a small piece of flat fish three times a week,” declares a writer on health and diet. Bless my sole! Tn one of their songs, dance-band L roon , erS uY C “Why was 1 born? Why am I living!” And no one can say. That American who says we Britishers are always beating about the bush must have been watching .some of us Playing golf. An African missionary says when he first visited a savage tribe they didn’t know what to make of him. Nobody had a cookery book. A film star declares that there is nothing whatever to shock the visitor to Hollywood. Nevertheless tourists will continue to go there. Following Instructions. Old Perkins, who had been r. seasonticket holder on the ferry service for many years, believed that he was so well known that he did not need to show his ticket. One morning there was a new inspector on the gate who demanded to see Perkins’ ticket “My face is my ticket,” replied that gentleman haugatiiT. The inspector took off his coat and began to roil up his sleeves. “Very good, sir,” he said. “I have strict instructions to punch all tickets. ’ ’ • • • • Trained. A woman advertised for a caretaker for her town house, and, after interviewing a large number of applicant®, found one who suited her. “Thanks for giving me the • job,” said the man, “and might I ask you a question? Y T ou stated in your advertisement that you wanted' a married man. Does that mean you have some work in view for my wife?” “Oh, no,’’ replied the woman. <4 I wanted a married man so as to be sure I’d get someone used to taking orders from a woman.”