WIT and HUMOUR

Wanganui Chronicle, Volume 79, Issue 228, 28 September 1935, Page 14

WIT and HUMOUR

“She’s got brains enough for two.” “Then why don’t you marry her, old ma n ’ ’ ’ Putting a kick in it: An armless bar lender in New York shakes cucklads with his feet. Pillion riding, says a writer, seems to be decreasing in popularity. AVe noticed a falling-off last summer. A writer states that the. art of convers? lion is dead. He obviously has never had to wait outs'.de a telephone box. “la olden days,” a. historian tells us, “the choi’ce of suiter for a maiden’s hand was often decided by an archery contest.” An affair of arrowsSentence. A man offered his scat in the tramcar to a woman passenger. As the car started it gave a sudden jolt and he lunged forward, clutching wildly for a strap. He grabbed the nearest one, which was already held by a young woman. Looking up, she said, “Evidently we must hang together.” The man, looking down at the pretty owner of the hand, replied, “Capital punishment. ’ ’ • • • • In and Out. One of the “extra” navvies digging in a particularly soggy trench, finding the task heavier than he had expected, took longer rest spells than his workmates. On making his rounds the ganger ran his eve over the group, but said nothing and passed on. A few minutes later he returned and, addressing the slow worker, ordered: “ Op out!” The man got out of the trenvh. “ ’Op in!” said the ganger. The navy did so“’Op out,” “’Op in,” the orders proceded until the navvy protested: “Hi. guvnor, what’s th? game? I ain‘’t a bloomin’ soldier.” .“That’s all right,” he was told. “Keep it up. You’re fetching out more with your boots than you are with vour shovel.”

M.P’s Alotto: Nothing succeeds like recess. • « • « “Bates is gett’ng out his first book.” “Really. AVho is the hero?” “Tne publisher. ’ ’ * * » • Clnld: (to Uncle reading bed-time story). “Now, no happy ending or any of that bunk.” Tn Full: “How do you spoil financially?” “F-i-n-a-n-c-i-a-l-Ly, and there nre two r’s in embarrassed?” • • • • A watercolour artist states that ho is pawning his stock-in-trade in order to tide over a difficult time- Pop goes the easel! Restaurant Ribaldry: ‘The man who killed thio chicken wa« fenf’orhearted?” “TVhy, sir?” “He took n good manv years to make up his mind to do it.” * • * < Gentleman who gets paid on Thursclav and who is usually broke on Saturday, will exchange small loans with person who is naid on Saturday and is not broke till Thursday. Pleasant Thoughts Wife: “Isn’t it wonderful how the waves koonrolling in, darlingf” Husband; “A'os, thpi- remind me of the household bills at honre, dear. Anything Once. Wife: “Honey, do you think you ••ou'd manage to live on 25 dollars a week ? ” Dorn: “Get the licence. I'll try it a week. ’ ’ • • • • Quits. A close-fi ted farmer served a local house with three dozen egg« every week. One week he found that he had inadvertently sent one extra. Determined not to lose, on the deal ho went to the house. The husband admitted The farmer stated his errand- The householder was amused; but the farmer was adamant. “Surely, we’re not going to quarrel over a matter like that?” said the householder “Let’s have a Jrnk to settle it. What will you have?” Egg and in'lk,” said the farmer. The Refugee. The seaside concert party was thirdrate, and people were reluctant to patronise the show, except one little man who had not missed a single performance. H's continual presence had been the only rrat : fving feature, hut even his support could not keep the show going. On the last night the manager stepped before the curtain. “Ladies and gentlemen,” he announced, “before taking leave of vou w n wish to thank our friend here In the front row for his esteemed patron age—he has not missed a single performance! ’ ’ The little man rose and stammered his acknowledgements. “It’s awfully docent of you,” he sa’d modestly, “but, as a matter of fact, this is the only place where m* wife has never thought, of looking for me! ’ * It’s a doubting world; you even have to produce a certificate to prove that you were born. • • • • An airman states that his crash was due to an air pocket. It must have been the kind with a hole in ifDetermined: The man who said he would live within h’s income, even if he had to borrow mongy to do it. liven Nature makes a mi.Muke ouch in a while. If not, then the white girls wouldn’t, be buying permanent waves and {he coloured ones kink remover. Taka it or Leave it. The daughter of the house was talking over the problem of what to serve to her bridge-club, a group of girls with finicky appetites. Ont girl disliked salads, one refused sweats, another never ate fruit, and still another shunned meat. “Well,” her disgusted younger brother put in, “about the only thing loft for that bunch is a good chew of

Jf the parents arc shoit, the children are practivaily rerlaiii lu be short, ?.»<•. we are told. L nlcs , of course, a r:en relative happens to leave tin in some thing. The man w iio lose- all iiFercst in food needs a few days the seaside, according fo a medical writer. He would be a welcome guest at anv boarding house. Solomon, 1935. There’s no ar.est for the wary. Wci-ing is believing. Nothing recedes like suecc.-s. Better work late than never Clothes break the man. Down-ou-the-farm Version. Alary had a little lamb, She feeds it like a glutton, And keeps a goulish eye upon J he market pr.ee of mutton. Hee-Haw. A well-known political loader in the Middle AVcst completed a full course of study in veterinary surgeiy, but never practised. He branched out into politics. During a campaign his political enemies referred to him with mingieo sarcasm and scorn as “the Vet,” and one day at a heated debate ont of them asked. “Are you really a veterinary surgeon?” “ AA’hv do you ask?” queried the quick-witted politician, “Are you ill?” “Hose AVho?”: A fireman is to write the history of his brigade. “A pretty girl is a poem,’’ asserts a novelist. And not a verse to being scanned! Contentment miv be better than riches; but just try explaining it to your bank manager. A group of undergraduates is to visit Africa to study w Id life. .Study? I thought they originate 1 it. Dud Men Sell No Tales: “Thee is a much higher standard among .shortstory writers to-day,” observes n critic. On Top “I can asure you, said the philosopher, “(hat a woman’s thoughts rise above dress.’ “That’s right,’’ agreed the other- “ She’s probably thinking of a new hat! ” Words Eon't Count. Patient: “How can I ever repay you for your kindness?” Doctor: “By cheque, postal order, or cash.’ ’ AU Right, Then. The young man who had been calling on Helen came at* last to see her father. Finally, the suitor made this announcement: '‘lt’s a mere formality, I know’, but we thought it would be pleasing to you if it were observed in the usual w ay• ’ ’ Helen's father stiffened. “And may I inquire,” he asked, “who suggested that asking mv eonsent to Helen’s marriage was a mere formality? ”

“A’es,” replied the voung man. “It was Helen’s mother.”