WIT and HUMOUR

Wanganui Chronicle, Volume 79, Issue 69, 23 March 1935, Page 13

WIT and HUMOUR

Hot Stuff: Corner in Pepper. Gardener's Boast: “A lawn—l did • • • • “Poor Phyllis is back in the chorus again.” “But 1 thought she married a millionaire?” “So did she.” “Good morning!’’ said the canvasser. “1 have here a simple gadget to prevent doors from slamming—” “Not this door, thank you.” * *• * * Bar Blarney: “Nice ale, please.” “Pale?” “No, a glass.” • • • * A British boxer has become a landscape gardener. He is evidently determined to- lay out something. By-election Blarney: “Are you Britishers going to take all this lying down?” “No fear. That’s the reporter’s job.” “Dotty broke with Jack.” “Why?” “He said he fell in Jove with her at first sight.’’ “What’s wrong with that ” “Well, he met her at a masquerade.” “Have you ever speculated o-n why you are so popular in your neighbourhood ” “No, except that I told my neighbours that 1 always played the saxophone when 1 got lonely.” A man found himself at a teetotal banquet. He suffered patiently until the dessert arrived, when a neighbour pressed him to have some grapes. “No thank you,” he growled. “1 don t take my wine in pills.” What can you get on your live valve set? I got £2 on it yesterday. “Some wives miss their husbands,” 1 says a writer. Others soon learn to throw straight. Chorus girl: “I stand in front of my mirror for hours admiring my beauty. I suppose you’d call it vanity?” Her friend: “No, imagination.” Boss: “I'm surprised at you- Do you know what they do with boys who tell lies?” Office Boy: “Yes, sir. When they get old enough, the firm sends them out as salesmen.”

We are told that a yawn can often be prevented by shutting the eyes. But the kindest method is to inform the raconteur before he has got into his stride that you have heard the story before. • • • • A popular novelist is addicted to gardening. Always thinking of his plots? Parlour Prattle: “So you think this would be a good time to speak to your father?” “Yes, he’s got his siloes off!” “Dolly is coming tu the fancy dress dance in a dress made of newspapers.” “Really, I suppose it’s the only way the poor girl can get into print.” Wife: “Oh, darling, one of the goldfish is in a dreadful way—almost dead. Can it be cured, do you think?” Husband: “H’m, I don’t see why not. They cure schnupper, don’t they!” A scientist says that in fifty years’ time there’ll be no kissing because people will have found out how unhygienic it is. Yes, and then somebody’ll find out how darn nice it is, and it’ll start all over again. During a severe frost a young woman enterod a chemist’s shop and asked for a remedy for sore hands. The shopman recommended a certain preparation, which he said was warranted to keep away chaps. She said that was not the kind of thing she wanted. A mail who claims to be the smallest in the world is just under three and a-half feet in height. It is said that, he receives letters from anglers all over the world asking if he will be photographed holding fish they have caught. It was stated in court that a certain pickpocket always wears white spats. His idea is that when he runs madly along the street, sympathetic people will always make way for him under the impression that he is a bridegroom making a dash for safety. Not So Easy “Tell your boss I’ve come to see him,” said a tali, broad-shouldered' man, bursting open the door of the clerk’s office. “Aly name’s Daniels.” The office boy, a puny little fellow, gazed awe-stricken at the visitor. “You’re Air. Daniels?” he ex-i claimed. “How very awkward.” “Awkward? What do you mean? is your boss in?” “Yes, but I’ve -orders to throw you out-’’ Wrong Room The local town hall provided office room for several public officials, among them the police surgeon, to whom candidates for the force had to go for medical examination. Oue day a muscular young fellow presented himself at the surgeon s office. He was told to strip to the waist. He complied, and was duly measured. “Skip over that chair, said the surgeon. The man did so. “Knees back; touch the floor! Now run round and let me test your heart and wind.” “I’m hanged if I will!” roared the man. “ T ’d rather stay single.’ He had strayed into the wrong room. The marriage registrar’s office was on the other side* of the corridor. Tiie Only Hope A motorist stopped at a village teahouse, where ho was supplied with some very hard and ancient cakes. He | glanced at the menu and then sent for the manageress. “I see from your bill of fare,” he said, mildly, “that your cakes arc all home-baked, and that you supply socials and clubs.” “ That’s right, sir,” said the manageress. “Well,” said the customer, “just lend me one of your clubs, will you?' Nothing Like It Two youths went to see a billiards match in which well-known professionals were playing. Silently they watched one of the players pile up a huge break, an.l at last one whispered to the other: “What do you call this game, Alf?” “Why, billiards, of course,” replied Alf. The other was silent for a few minutes; then he whispered again to his friend: “Well, what do they ‘call the game we play at our clul-?”

A college student wrote to his father: “Dear Father: I am in the city and am broke, and have no friends. What shall 1 do?” His father replied: “Deat Son: Make friends at once!” Money for Nothing. Teacher received her pay envelope, and after extracting the money, held the envelope up for the class to see. “What is this?” she asked, by way of a general knowledge test. “A pay envelope, miss,” said one boy. “And what did it contain!” she went on. “Money,” the boy answered. “Your salary. ’’ “That’s correct,” replied the teacher. “And now, has anyone any questions to ask?” “Please, teacher,” said a little boy, who had been studying the envelope in silence, “where do you work!” Keeping Count Mother wanted to spend Saturday afternoon shopping and father—a stat istician—reluctantly agreed to abandon his golf and spend the afternoon with the three small and energetic children. When mother returned father haudeu her this: “Dried tears, nine times; tied shc.-es, thirteen times; toy balloons purchased, throe per child; average life of balloon, twelve seconds; cautioned children not to cross street, twenty one times; children insisted on crossing street, twenty-one, times; number of Saturdays father will do this again, none. Wool Gathering Jones was one of those impossible individuals who, when they sea a piekie of cotton or thread on a person'i clothes, simply cannot resist, the temp tation to pick it off. It was in the theatre one night. Hi saw a piece of wool on a girl’s collar. Jones reached out and picked it off. and kept on pulling until he found that he had a large ball of wool in his hands. Quickly he dropped it on the floor and vanished from the theatre. The next morning the victim of Jones’ attentions said to her gistei: “A funny thing happened at the theatre last night—l lost my vest!” Oh, Mr. Porter! “ Porter,” said an old lady at n country station, “what time is there a train to Greenock!” “Six-thirty,” said the porter sharply. “What!” exclaimed tho old lady, who was rather deaf. “Six-thirty,” repeated the porter angrily and turned away. Not being satisfied, she approached another porter and asked him the same question. “There’s a train at half-past six,” replied the porter politely. “That will do very well,” said the old lady. “I just asked that other fellow and ho said next Thursday.” Taking No Chances. The sorry-looking man was charged with burglary and assault. The victim was in the witness-box. “You say you called to see, Miss Billings and that you were in the drawing room when the burglary was committed? asked defending counsel. “Yes,” replied the witness. “Then how,” continued counsel, “did it happen that when the prisoner dashed into the room and assaulted you you leaped through an upon window without attempting to defend the young lady, or even summon aid?” “I thought it was her father.”