WIT and HUMOUR

Wanganui Chronicle, Volume 77, Issue 82, 7 April 1934, Page 13

WIT and HUMOUR

How money goes: Quickly. A society belle seldom has a ringing laugh. A woman's idea of a striking gown is ono which hits her husband's bank balance. What a change one woman can make in a man’s life —and what a heap of change she requires when she’s doing it! Man proposes —and woman makes him stick to it. A woman’s idea of a left-handed compliment is a wedding ring. First Lawyer: “I’ve just made a fortune.” Second Lawyer: “Whose was it?” Many women think thirty is a nice age for a woman. Especially if she is about forty. Doctor: “Name?” Patient: “Brown, sir—Mrs. Brown.” “With an ‘e’?” “No, sir, widow.” Patient: “Doctor, did you ever make a serious mistake?” Doctor; “Yes, 1 once cured a millionaire in three days.” All the Difference: When a girl says she bought a frock at a ridiculous price, she doesn’t mean she got it for an absurd figure. “Bagpipe players,” says a contemporary, “generally live to a ripe old age.” It is not clear what can be done about it. Thc following notice was posted outside a church in a country town: “Tomorrow we shall hear the vicar’s farewell sermon. Let us gather in large numbers to show our appreciation. ” • • • • True Love. She was contemplating marriage, and she had put the suggestion to her father. “But, my dear girl,” he exclaimed, “you can’t seriously think of marrying young Brown. Why, he only earns about foity shilling a week.” She sighed happily. “I know, dad,” she returned, “but a week passes so quickly when you are in love. ” Taking It Back. The recent purchaser of a secondhand car called to see the previous owner, intent on giving him a piece of his mind. “Look here,” he stormed, “that car 1 had from you is no good at all. When I bought it you said that if it didn’t do all you said it would you’d take it back.” Thc recent owner nodded calmly. “Well, 1 stick to my word,” he replied. “1 take back what I said.” A Case in Point. “Talk about the old joke of thc absent-minded professor,” said Jones in the club the other day, “why, a friend of mine is the most absentminded person you ever met.” “Well,” said Smith, “1 suppose it doesn’t matter so long as it doesn’t hurt him or anyone else.” Jones smiled quietly. “Well, it hurt him to-day,” said Jones. “He swallowed sixpence, and gave the. bus conductor a cough drop for his fare.” Excavations. The world’s worst golfer was playing even more badly than usual. After cutting a huge piece of turf with his iron he remarked to his suffering partner: — “You know, I don’t care particularly for the game, but I like thc glorious open country hereabouts.” “Ah, quite,” replied the other as he surveyed the scarred ground; “but do you mind closing up the open country as we go along?” Adding Insult. The exceedingly stout lady indignantly tackled a bus inspector at a busy stopping place. “I want to report the conductor of that bus that’s just gone!” she shrilled. “He’s been rude!” “How?” asked thc bored official. “Why,” went on the lady, “he was telling thc people the bus was full up, and when I got off he said, ‘Room for three inside!’ ” Scotsman’s Luck. Only two passengers had survived the shipwreck, a woman from London and a man from Aberdeen. By the end of their second week on the desert isle their clothing was in tatters, their provisions were exhausted, and the monkeys had even ceased tossing milkfilled cocoa nuts at them from the trees. The outlook was black. “Oh, it just couldn't be worse,” moaned the woman. “Ah, but it could,” the Scot con iradicted, “1 niicht ha’ bought a return ticket.” Not Easily Lost. The schoolmaster was giving his class of young pupils a test on a recent natural history lesson. “Now, Jimmy Janies,” he said “you tell me where the kangaroo is found.” “Australia,” promptly replied the boy. “Correct,” said teacher. “Now, you, Bobby Bright, toll me where thc elephant is found.” Thc boy hesitated for a while, then his face lit up. ’♦‘The elephant teacher,” he said, “is such a big animal it is scarcely ever lost.” Assurance Doubly Sure. A golfer called on a doctor in Harley Street and asked him to give him a thorough examination and not to worry about how long it took or how much the fee would be. When it was over he said to the doctor: “Well, doctor, how are my eyes'? ’ ’ “Perfect,” replied lhe doctor. “How about my lungs?’ “Splendid. ’ ’ “Heart and tummy?” “Perfect. ’ > ‘ ‘ Teeth all right? ’ ’ “Absolutely. ” “Well,” he said, “is one arm longer than thc other, or one leg shorter than the other?” “No,” said the doctor, “not thc slightest difference.” “Well,” said the patient, “I knew that pro. had sold me n rotten)

Un Pleasure Bent: The contortionist who did it for fun. Never judge a woman’s smile by her teeth. Both may be artificial. A husband and wife served on thc same jury in England recently. It disagreed. A man in France was tried the other day tor ••marrying” 17 women. He was sentenced to 10 years’ safety. Teacher (to small boy): “Now, what are raised in wet climates?” Small Boy (promptly): “Umbrellas, sir.” Two Scotsmen tossed who should buy drinks. “Hoads!” called the one—and it was. “Fire!” called thc other —and ran. Joan: “She thinks no man is good enough for her.” John: “She may be right.” Joan: “And she may be left. ’ ’ He: “If I see anything funny, I’m simply bound to laugh.” She: “1 say, you must find shaving a rather dangerous job. ’ ’ Wife: “Thc night you proposed you acted like a fish out of water.” Husband: “1 was —and very cleverly landed, too! ’ ’ Magistrate; “What did thc prisoner say when you arrested him?” Policeman: “Leaving out thc bad language, sir?” Magistrate: “Yes.” Policeman: “Not a word, sir.” She: “I knew this was only a:i imitation diamond the moment you offered me the ring.” He; “But you told me that your sight was bad.” She: “It. is, but I’m not stone blind.” A woman had been shown over a battleship. At the end of her tour of the ship she said to a sailor who had been detailed to explain one or two things to her: “Tips are forbidden on board this ship, are they not?” “Yes, mum,” answered thc sailor, “an’ so was apples in the Garden of Eden.” Just Their Luck. In days of old When knights were bold And armour trousers wore, They lived in peace For then a crease Would last a week or more. Making Sure. “Lot me see,” said Smith pensively, “do I owe you any money, old man? Jones raised inquiring eyebrows. “Not a penny, old chap,” he replied. “Why, arc you going round paying off your little debts?” “Uh, no!” replied Smith quickly. “I was just going round to sec if I’ve overlooked anybody. Lend me five bob till Friday, will you?” Had Its Difficulties. , Slowly, with a menacing look in his eyes, thc bulldog approached the t • street musicians. The men looked at him out of the corners of their eyes and then slowly edged away. “I say, Bill,” said the man with thc banjo suddenly, “blow ’ard on your cornet, perhaps it’ll frighten ’im away. ’ ’ “Yes, that’s all very well,” said Bill, with a doubtful grimace. “But if it don’t do thc trick, where'll 1 get the wind to run away with?” The Way Out. Mrs Subub, having lost the key of the kitchen clock, went with her husband to get another. Mr. Subub waited while his wife went into thc jeweller’s. Presently she camo out. “Go it?” asked Mr. Subub. “No,” said the wife. “Why not?” “Well, Mrs. Swagger was in there buying pearls, so 1 couldn’t, ask for a key lor the kitchen clock.” “What did you do, then?” “Oh, I just inquired how long it would take to clean a diamond tiara.” Inversion. Thc after-dinner speaker had been talking a long time, and thc guests were heartily tired. “Gentlemen,” he said nt length, “did you over stop to think? I ask you again, did you over stop to think?” A weary listener could bear it no 1 inger. “Did you e\rr think to stop?” ho inquired.