WIT and HUMOUR

Wanganui Chronicle, Volume 76, Issue 183, 5 August 1933, Page 13

WIT and HUMOUR

Wanted: Adjustable engagement ring. Hurry up! The hotel guco’ who bat ns first baths fast. The. book with a sad ending these days is a bank book. “1 Lave a brother with a wooden leg.” “That’s nothing. I’ve a sister who has a wooden chest.” Tom: “Hullo, Bill! Ain’t seen you for six months. What ’ave yer bin doin’?” Bill: “Six months.” “How dough-faced Jean looks tonight.” “Yes; she ran out of face powder and had to use flour.” Host: “Well, shall we join the ladies?” Guest: “I’d rather not. Cigarette smoke always makes me feci so sick! ’ ’ • * * • Night Warder: “Why don’t you go to sleep? Burglar: “Because it seems so funny to be here lying in bed in the middle of the night.” “Dad,” said little Tommy, “teacher told us that the olive branch is the emblem of peace. What is the emblem of war?” “Orange blossom.” Hotel Guest: “Waiter, this sauce tastes like furniture polish.” Waiter: “Yes, sir, it goes splendidly with the cabinet pudding.” “IDo you find it more economical to do your own cooking?” “Certainly. Since I have been cooking my husband only cats half what ho used to.” The Fair One: “I want you to paint my portrait, please.” Artist: “I would rather not, madam. 1 make it a rule never to copy other people’s painting?. ” ♦ ♦ • • “What caused the coolness between the De Golds and their country cousins?” “Why, when Mrs. De Gold visited thejn she made a terrible blunder by asking if the family crest on the table cloth was the laundry mark.” • • • • “Did you ever have a love letter?•» Marjorie politely asked her spinster auXitie. “Why, yes, my dear, of course,” said aunt. “Oh. do tell mo who you received it from?” asked the girl. “The postman,” said aunt coldly. High Finance. He was explaining exactly why the rate of exchange stood at its present figure: why the economic depression existed. and how it could be cured. His wife sat by, listening with admiration. At last she said: “It seems wonderful that anyone cold know as much about money as you do without having any. ’ ’ Serious Complaint. “I’m going straight down to the post office to make a complaint/’ said Freda pertly. “Oh, darling,” said her young man, “I’ll do it for you. What is it you want?” She gazed fixedly at him. “1 want to find out why they haven’t delivered tthat box of chocolates you promised you were going to send me,” she replied. Not Nice to Know. Mrs. Snaggs and her friend Airs. Maggs were discussing things in general over a cup of tea. “Did you find out anything about the new people opposite?” “Yes, and 1 don’t think I’ll have much to do with them; I refuse to be associated with anybody who makes a living by crime.” “You don’t say!” “Yes, I do; her husband’s a policeman.” Useful Accessory. The super saloon car skidded on the slippery country road, and the back wheels landed in a ditch. For over half an hour the chauffeur tried to get it out, but his efforts were of no avail. Presently a small “baby” car came along, and the driver offered to help. The offer being gratefully accepted, a rope was hitched to the big car, and without any apparent effort the “baby” pulled it back on to the road once again. The owner of the big car thanked the other driver, and when he had gone, said to his chauffeur: “James, what was that?” “That was one of tho new ‘baby’ cars, sir!” replied the nun. “Very popular, too.” The owner nodded undcrstandingly. “Very well,” ho said, “see that we have one in the tool-box in future.” Rather Fishy. A man was fishing some strictly preserved water in Scotland when he caught a lino salmon. As he < r ' not want to display any evidence of his crime, he tied the fish through the gills to a stake on the bank and returned it to the water. Soon a keeper camo along and accused the man of poaching. ‘‘Oh. no,” said tho angler, disarmingly, “I’m just having a little innocent amusement, practising casts and so on.” The keeper was reassured, ami was about to walk away when he observed the captured salmon plunging frantically at tho end of its leash. “What’s this? ” he asked. “Oh— er _ we ll?” replied tne angler, “that follow kept sneaking my flies, so I thought it better to tic him up out o* the way.” She Saw That One. Taking his courage in both hands, he knelt down in front of her. “Mary,” he said shakily, “will you marry me?” ‘‘Sorry, old thing,” she said coldly, “but 1 haven’t a sense of humour.” “Eh—what? Dash it all!” he exclaimed. “What has that got to do with it?” “A lot,” she replied, “I can't take a joke. ’ ’ Narrow Escape. Briggs, the bachelor, nodded his head a trifle thoughtfully. “See that woman over there, Jack!” he said. “I owe a great deal of my happiness to her.” “Really!” said Jack, rather puzzled. “ How’s that?” “Five years ago I asked her to marry me,” explained tho other. “Yes, and ” asked Jack. “She wouldn’t,” camo the reply in tones of relief.

Not every miss has a mission, or every man a mansion. Nor Bowled; Batsmen should not be I timid, says a cricket writer. “I don’t think I. look 30, du you. deaf!” “No, darling, not now; you used to! ” » • • Man of Rare (.rifts: A wife complained that her husband hadn’t made her a present .for 20 years. Small Boy: “What becomes of the I average man's money, dad!” Father: |”lt goes to the average woman, son.” | Friend: “I did not know your Husband had taken to golf.” Proud wife: “Yes, he made over a century yesterday.” ‘‘Bobbie, you seem very fond of the chemist’s little boy. Why is it?” “He can got all the pills he wants for our air-guns.” * ♦ * ♦ Small Boy (to motorist who had been ■ vigorously cranking for half an hour): “Arc you sure you ain’t over-wound it, ! mister?” “That boy of yours has the head of a politician, Mrs. Jones.” Mrs. Jones: “It isn't his fault. He fell out of a pram when he was a baby!” Mrs. Do. Fashion (at the children’s party); ‘ ‘ Marguerite! ’ ’ Nursemaid: J “Yes, madam?” “It’s time for us to ! go home. Which of these children, is mine? ” “Here’s a firm advertising shirts without buttons,” said his wife. “Nothing new about that,” replied her husband. “I’ve been wearing them for years.” i “As soon as the cold weather comes |1 have to stop playing billiards.” |“How’s that?” “Every time the three balls get together they remind me of my overcoat.” I “Don't be afraid of the bacon, Mr. Higgins,” said the landlady. “No fear,” said the lodger, confidently. “I’ve kept my head when faced with pieces three times the size of this.” 1 hope the man who took my watch, Whoever stooped so low. Will miss more trains than I have missed Because the thing was slow! Sam. had been the despair of the girls of the village. But he was to bo married at last. “Ah, Sam,” said Farmer Brown. “So I hear you’ve put up the banns at last.’ “Aye, sair,” responded Sam, “I were prayed for tne third time in church last Sunday.” A' Light Sleeper. A man walked into the foremanbuilder’s office and stated that he had come in reply to the firm’s advertisement for a night-watchman “What arc your qualifications for this job?” asked the foreman. The man scratched his head. “Well, guv’nor,” ho said, “the least bit of noise wakes me up!” • • ’ • • Easily Found. Briggs was discussing the ups and .downs of life with Brown. “My brother never met with a disappointment in his life,” he said. “That sems almost incredible,” said Brown, “seeing that he led a pretty fuV life.” Briggs smiled. “It was easy in his case,” he explained. “He never looked for anything but trouble.” Safety First. It was in one of those country towns which have a general store selling everything from face powder to dynamite. A farmer and his wife drove up. Calling to the proprietor, the farmer said: “Joe, bring me that box I bought a few days ago.” The package was put in the trap at the feet of the man and his wife, but tho latter eyed the box suspiciously. She had heard her husband say to one of the men on the farm: “I’ll bring back some dynamite,” and she was awaro that her husband intended to blow up an old dam in the river that crossed the farm. “What’s in that box. Herbert? ’’ she 1 inquired. “Is it dynamite?” “What if it is!” replied her hus-■ band. “It won’t do any damage unless ' it explodes.” | “Herbert.” screamed his wife, “if you think 1 ’m going to ride three miles 1 in a cart with dynamite under my feet, you’re making a mistake.' Put the 1 stuff in the back of the cart at once!” |

Agricultural Note; Many a man who sows wild oats in youth grows sage in later years. Fair Start For a Fire. The chief of the village fire brigade • i was making his report to the chairman h of the village council. “Yes, sir,” he said proudly enough, U “we put out the fire just 16 minutes j after wo got there.” “Very praiseworthy/’ said the chair- u man. “Had it got a good start of j you? ’ ’ “I should say it had* ” said the fire lchief. “When we got there there was only the coal-collar standing.’’

Exception to the Rule. “It is strange,” said the observant man, “but very few people are content to do what they are best qualified for. Painters, for instance, long to ’be musicians Musicians long to bo > authors. Authors long to be artists, and so on. ’ ’ I “Quite,” said his companion; “but 'there are exceptions to every rule. I know a young man who has been doing | the same thing for years and years, [and ho seems perfectly satisfied with /t.” 1 “Oh.” said the observant man, “an/ [what ha-s he been doing?’’ i “Nothing,” came the reply.