WIT and HUMOUR

Wanganui Chronicle, Volume 76, Issue 83, 8 April 1933, Page 17 (Supplement)

WIT and HUMOUR

Scrap Book: Boxer’s autobiography. “Marriage is a business and the husband is the silent partner.” “I don’t think I look thirty, do you, dear?” “No, darling, not now; you used to!” * * ¥ * “Darling, I love you! Will you bo my wife?” “But I refused you yesterday.” “Oh, was that you?"” ¥ * ¥ lilt isn’t always the most promising man who pays his debts. ¥‘* * « Host: “'What do you t’ ' ik of these cigars?’ Guest: “Finest things out.” ¥ * ¥ * Binks: “Why are you planting your cabbages zigzag?” jinks: “To mislead the snails. ” * * ¥ * “An’ what's more, I ain't 'ad a day’s illness in me life!’’ Lor lummie, what on earth dyer find .o talk about?’ ’ ¥ * ¥ * “I think the first game of cricket started in London in the eighteenth century.” “Indeed, rnd what’s the score now?” Frantic Mother (at the beach ): “That's not our baby. You’ve taken the wrong perambulator.” Father: “Hush! It’s a much better one than ours.” ♦ * • * “I'm sorry to hear you want to leave us, Sarah. May I ask why; something private, I suppose?” “No, mum,’- responded Sarah proudly. “A corporal.” ¥ * ¥ ■» “Ah.” said the artist. “ I am compelled to paint to keep the wolf from the door.” “Is that so?” exclaimed the critic. “Are you going to hang the picture outside?” • • • • Dad did not seem to he enjoying his meal so he said to his daughter, “Betty, are you sure you washed this lettuce properly?” “Yes, dad-, and used the scented soap to make it real clean.” Fortune-teller: “T see large and shady figures in dark and troubled waters, portending grave financial loss —but stay, there is hope. A blaze of light from a thousand tongues of flame.” Client: “Can you see if wc get away with the insurance.” ¥ * ¥ * A Bouncing Baby. A policeman was so puzzled by the behaviour of a baby car that he signalled to the driver to stop. “Are you aware, sir,” he inquired, “that your car keeps leaping into the air? ” “Yes,” replied the motorist. “It’s quite all right. I’ve got the hiccups.” ¥ * ¥ ’ The Shop-Lifter. A detective in a shop pointed out a woman customer to his friend. “Do you see that woman?” he asked. “Yes,” replied his friend. “Well, she’s suffering from kleptomania,” the dectective confided. “Gracious! Why doesn’t she take ; something for it?” “She will in a minute.” said the detective. ¥ * ¥ * Cheap at the Price. They were seated together on the hall sofa. He was staring vacantly in front of him. “Penny for your thoughts, darling?” she suggested. He stirred himself. “I was just thinking of going,” he replied. A voice came from, the head of the stairs. “Give him a shill’”". Doris,” said her father. “It's worth it.” In Pocket. “Hubby, darling,” said his wife. “ could you let me have a little money. Things in the shops are so cheap hoav, you know.” “Of course,” he replied, feeling in his pocket for his noteease. “Would you rather have an old river ur a new one?” “A new one. of course, dear,” she saiil. “That’s goou,” he replied, handing her a new one-pound note. “Here it is—now I’m four pounds tu the good.” «. * * * Just the Sarno. Old John and his wife were very deaf. Consequently the vicar’s wife had great difficulty in explaining things to them. “Yes, Jane,” she said, “when the vicar was travelling through the Bay of Biscay he was very ill.” Jane (interrupting): “Aye, mum, that’s just like ’em. ’Tis the same with our John. As soon as ’e gets in th’ wav o’ whisky, ’«’s the same, mum.” How Much? A successful business man was giving an address on “Commercial Acumen” to a class of students. In speaking of his career, he mentioned a certain company that had been wound up on account of its shady practices. “Of course,” he said, “as soon as I realised there were possibilities of dishonest profit being made I got out of it.” “How much?” askod a student. ¥ * ¥ • Loss of Memory. An elderly-looking patient tvas shown into tho doctor’s surgery. “So you have severe headaches, pains in the back fcnd bilious attacks?” said the doctor. “H’in. What, is your age, madam?” The patient had a ready answer. “Twenty-five,” she replied coyly. The doctor continued to write. “Yes —and loss of memory, too.” he murmured. • • • • Bain falls on 164 days in a normal year in England.

The best way to draw a quiet guest out is to use a corkscrew. * * ¥ * A London man was caught stealing a wireless sot. Ho ••got” the police station. ¥ * ¥ ♦ Smith: “Well, how has everything gone since I last saw you?” Jones; ‘ ‘ Everything’s gone. ’ ’ v ¥* ¥ * Mother (to small boy in pantry : “What are you up to?” P.oy: “The tenth tart, mum: but they’re very small. ’ ’ ¥ * ¥ # He: “I was a great admirer fo your late husband. Have you any little thing you could lot me nave to remind me of him?" She: “There’s online. '' ¥ * ¥ * Wife (pointing out • highly-priced hat in shop window >: “ John* dear, isn t that a duck of a hat?" Husband: “Yes, but .1 prefer a duck with a smaller bill!’’ ¥ * ¥ * “What happened when the police searched your house?” “It was fine! They found the front-door key which my wife had hidden, a penny stamp f had Jost weeks ago and four collar studs.” ¥ ¥ * She (to very tedious person): “I think 1 shall name my new car after you. ’ Ho (flattered): “How nice of you. Al ay I be permitted to ask whv?” She: “It’s difficult to make it co.’ 4 Then he went, ¥ * * * Airs. Smythe-Smythe (staging her first reception); “And. Mary, from seven to seven thirty I want you to stand at the drawing room door and cal’ the guests’ names as they arrive.” Alary: “Yes, ma'am. I'll do my best. 1 suppose the first thing that comes into my head about ’em will do. ” “He’s either a political speaker or an actor,” he said, discussing :he new boarder. “What makes you think that?” “Didn’t you see the way he ducked when you asked him if he’d have a tomato?” * * ¥ * Customer: “To what du you owe extraordinary success as a house-to-house salesman?” Salesman: “To the first five words I utter when a woman fn?’ n t the (l °° r ~‘ Miss ’ is y° ur mother ¥ * * Too Risky. The young motorist was struggling to help his victim, an extremely fat person, to his feet. Finally he manage.! to get him seated in the ear, and tb e man began to pul] round. “I should have thought that you could have gone round me.” he said bitterly. ‘'Sorry,” said the young motorist airily, “but I wasn't sure whether I had enough petrol.” Wrong Surgery. The ductor shook his head doubtfully. “Tell me, what exactly is wrong with you?” he asked his patient. “I can’t explain it.” said the patient wearily. “I only know 1 suffer.” The doctor nodded. “What kind of life do you lead?” ho asked “I work like an ox. I oat like a wolf, I’m as tired as a dug at the end of the day, and I sleep like a horse,” replied the other. “H’m.” said the doctor, “in that case I should advise you to go and se<a veterinary surgeon.” • * » Not So Clever. The host entered the drawing room after seeing his guests off the premiser, and saw a man prowling about under a table. “What does this mean?'’ h< said to the man. “Aren’t you the thoughtreader who was entertaining 7 y guests by finding needle and other small objects which they had hidden?” “That’s right, sir.” replied the man, looking anxiously round. “But T thought you had "one with the others.” said the ho>t. “What has kept you so long?” “r can’t find my hat,” said the unfortunate entertainer. ¥ *• ¥ • It was Impossible. He was reading extracts from the evening paper to his attentive wife. “It says here that an American woman got a divorce from her husband because he sat on her new hat,” lie said. “Really,” she replied, “t couldn't possibly do a thin" like that.” “No?” he queried. “No: I haven’t got a new hat.” she cooly replied. ¥ * ¥ * Half and Half. They had bought a second-hand cat and were taking their first trip in it. After covering several miles the driver became aware that something was amiss. Ho stopped the car. “I say, my dear,” he said to hia wife, “have a look at my tyres on your side and 101 l me If there’s anything wrong with them.” “Oh, it’s quite all right,’’ she said, after a careful scrutiny. “The rear one's flat at the bottom, nut it’s round enough at the top.” Lesson in Hardware. The school teacher was taking a clast in local geography. “Now, buys,” he said, “can you name any uf the chief products of the Midlands?” “Hardware, sir,” said Tommy, as the teacher pointed to him. “Quite correct,” replied the teacher; then, turning sharply to a boy in the front row, he said: “What is hardware, Jack?” “Corduroy trousers, sir.”