WIT and HUMOUR '

Wanganui Chronicle, Volume 75, Issue 280, 26 November 1932, Page 19 (Supplement)

WIT and HUMOUR '

Unde Sam’s problem: Rye or dry. She: “Yes; you married me bacaus? 1 had money.” He: “No; it was because 1 didn’t have any! ” • * ♦ ♦ • Most women dress to please themselves; some also to displease their neighbours. • * » * • ”Every bone in my body aches,” grumbled the pessimist. “Then you ought to be glad you’re not a herring,” responded the optimist. Auntie: “And were you a very good little girl at church this mornirg, Joan dear?” Joan: Oh, yes, auntie, A man offered mo a big plate full of money, and 1 said: “No, thank you.’” Film Star (newly married): “And is this your home?” Bridegroom: “It is, precious.” “Say, it looks mighty familiar. Arc you sure 1 haven’t married you before?” “You know, you’ve been engaged a long time, old man. Why don’t you marry her?” “I’ve been thinking about it, Joe—but where should i spend my evenings if I did?” w # * • Tho election candidate was waxing enthusiastic: “And then,” he thundered, “I heard the voice of the people culling me.” “Heard yourself think ing out loud,’’ yelled the heckle". “And did anybody com P to the door while 1 was out?” .“Aye, a man collecting for the free breakfast.” “And did you give him anything? “Aye, I gave him a’ our names.’’ “I hear your wife insists on going to Monte Carlo?” “Yes, she’s mad on it. But I put my foot down absolutely-” “So, she’s not going after all?’’ “Well, not with my consent.” “Some of the good people who dine here,” said tho hotel manager sadly, “seem to regard our spoons and forks as a sort of medicine —to be taken after meals. ” Landlady (discussing world’s troubles): “I suppose we must be prepared for anything these days.” Boarder (gazing at his helping): “Yes —or, at any rate, hardly anything!” Ho (irritably): “Another new hat! When will you cease these useless purchases you make under the pretext that they are cheap?” She: “But this one wasn’t cheap.” A little girl, aged seven, was asked to sta(c the difference between pride and vanity. After copsidorablo thought she replied: “Pride means, ‘I don’t think much of you’; vanity means, ‘What do you-think of me?’ ” Billy, who was on holiday at his uncle’s farm, came running into tho house very excited. “There’s a mouse in the milk pail!” he cried. “Did you lift it out?” asked uncle. “No,” said Billy, proudly, “but I threw tho cat in!” # w Mail home from New Zealand (visiting native village in England after an absence of 30 years): “Well, Samuei, you don’t remember me, eh?” .Samuel: “W’y, it be young Georgo Pmith. Bless" ’e, I were only sayin’ to Sarah yesterday Oi ’adn’t seed ’e about lately.” r w • An Excellent Idea. An ambitious young man heard, of tho death of the junior partner of a big firm. Being full of self-confidence he hurried to the offices of the firm, whoso senior partner was a friend of his father’s. “How about my taking your paitner’s place?” he asked. “Excellent!’’ said the senior partner. •‘lf you can fix things up with the undertaker.” Too Late. Billing was taking a late holiday at the seaside. On the second morning of his arrival the manager camo to his breakfast table. “Everything satisfactory?” he asked. “Well, 1 only wish 1 had come to this hotel a month ago,” replied the guest. “Ah, sir,” smiled the manager, “you flatter my place!” Billings sniffed: “Not at all,” he replied. “What I mean is, that I’J rather have eaten these eggs then th:ui : aw.” Better Still. They were discussing the fa H ors ti nt make for success in life. “There’s nothing like force of char actor,” said Green. “Take Jones Dir instance —he’s sure to make his way in the world. He’s got a big asset. A will of hi s own.” His companion shrugged his should ers. “Young Brown has something belter than that,” he replied. “Better?” echoed Green. “What might that, be?” “A will of his uncle’s,” Ui* other explained. Good Business. The owner of a small |> .uncial theatre was unable to pay his debts and the bailiffs paid a visit, during which some of the stage scenery and lighting effects were removed. Next week tho official raiding party paid another call and took away the rear seats in the auditorium. Tho proprietor, however, turned oven this sorry state of affairs to account, for he advertised boldly, “Grout Busi-, ness! Standing Room Only in lhe Pit.’’ The Difference. Two actors were strolling along the dusty street when one of them suddenly doffed his hat and bowed to an old gentleman across tho road. “1 (Owe more to that, man than I do to any other man in the world,” hr explained to his friend, as he replaced his hat •‘Ah,” murmured the other, scenting a romance. “I. suppose he gave you your first chance in life?” “No, not exactly.” replied the other, “but he’s my landlord!” A Plain Hint. The actor was in trouble about his rent. The landlord calh'd, exerting pressure. “Look here,” said the tenant, “you ought to l'“ glad to have a fellow like me in your flat. In a year or two’s time people will be pointing to this house ami saying 'Jones the actor used to live 1 here! ” “Mister,” said the landlord, “if you don’t pay up, people will begin pointing to-morrow.”

..“What’s the plural of whimV* ‘‘ Women! ” How to make a Maltese cross: Kick him. A ero: “ Bill’s proposal was so sudden it madg mo jump.” Gwou: “At it. of course. ’ ’ «•• • / He: “All my letters this morning begin with the same word.” She: “What’s that?” “Unless—” Young Wife: “Why use such a high, chair for your baby?” Another IDitto: “So wo can hear him when he falls out. ” Harold: “Who invented the barbedwire fence, mother?” His mother: “Oh, some manufacturer of boys’ clothing, I suppose. ’ ’ Tom: “When I woke up this morning I found all the bedclothes wound tightly round me.” Bob: Well, you must have slept like a top.” * ♦ * « “I’ve just been reading some statistics here. It says that every time I breathe a man dies.” “Why don’t you take something for it?’’ Professor: “Before I dismiss the class let me repeat the words of Webster.” Pupil: “Holy mackerel! I’m off. He’s starting on th e dictionary.” Seaside Border (to new-comer); #< l say, old man—l don’t think I’d touch the rice pudding if I were you—there was a wedding in this street yesterday.” Doctor: “Madam, your husband must have absolute rest.” Patient’s Wife: “Well, doctor, he won’t listen to anything I say.’’ “A very good beginning, madam.” Long-suffering Tailor: “You recently inherited money. Why not pay me what you owe me?” His Client: “I wouldn’t like people to think that inheriting money has changed my habits.” First Luncher: “A fine overcoat was stolon in this restaurant yesterday. I could have strangled tho thief.” Second Ditto: “Why? Was it yours?” “ No; but I had an eye on it for myself.” Pat: “D’ye see Tim being elected to the Ways and Means Committee?” Mike: “That’s th e roight job for him surely. That feller knows more ways of being mean than any man Oi ’eves met. ’ ’ » • • « The Vicar: “My dear Mrs. Money, may I put your name down for tickets to Professor Pundit’s course of lectures on Buddhism ” Mrs. Money: “By all means! Y r ou know how passionately fond I am of flowers.” • • • • • A pompous individual went into the local school one day with the intention of putting the children through their paces in geography. He began: “What is the capital of ’Olland!” “H!” wag the crushing rejoinder from someone in the back row. Fire and Water. After much bustling around the family was safely packed inside the car and tho journey to the seaside began. Everybody was happy for several minutes, when Mother suddenly exclaimed, “Oh, John! I left the electric iron switched on.’’ “That will be quite all right,” replied Father, “for I’vo just remembered that I left tho bathroom taps running. ” • • • • A Good Dodger. A city man was watching a farm labourer putting harness on a mule. Tho animal was rather highly strung, and the man was finding the task rather difficult. “Does that mule ever kick you?” askod the bystander. The labourer shook his head. “No, sir,” he replied. “Ho doesn’t never kick me, but he frequently kicks where I’ve just been.” He Stuck to His Work. An author was present at a gathering of artists, and during the evening he was called upon to make a speech. “Gentlemen,” he said, “as this is an assembly in which art is largely represented, I feel it incumbent upon me to say a few words regarding the subject of painting. “Speaking personally, my only efforts in that direction wereon an occasion when I enamelled our bath. My friends said to me, ‘My dear fellow, it’s no good your going in for painting unless you’re prepared to stick to your work,’ and”—continued the author in that inimitable style for which ho was world-famous—‘ ‘ I did. ’ ’ Quite A Small Way. A man was charged with loitering on the public highway. “What’s your occupation?” asked the magistrate. The man in the dock scratched his head. “Well, your worship,” he pondered. “I’in what you might call a timber merchant, in a small way.” “What do you mean?’’ asked the magistrate, puzzled. “I sell matches at a street corner.”