WIT and HUMOUR

Wanganui Chronicle, Volume 75, Issue 244, 15 October 1932, Page 7 (Supplement)

WIT and HUMOUR

Kissing: Sincerest form of flappery. * * * * v Schoolboy Howler: Buttery —a place where goats are kept. Hymen; Most women long for a tall a husband. He: “At last we’re out of debt.” ‘ She: “Oh. thank goodness! Now lean i get credit again.” Bridegroom: “Have you kissed the t bride?” Best Man (absently): “Oh, yes, scores of times.” The Parent: “I never told lies when I was a boy.” Y T oung Hopeful: t “When did you begin, father?” < * Lady customer: “What a wicked parrot! It must have been kept on board a ship.” Dealer: “No, mum, in ■ a garage.” First Girl: “Torn said that I was the only girl he ever loved.” Second < Ditto: “Oh, and doesn’t he say it beautifully, dear?” * Mistress: “He looks a shifty individual.” Maid: “ ’E is, mum. ’E’s the broker’s man, an’ ’e’s shifting the furniture.” Bunty was told at school that Nel- ; son “did not know what fear meant.” “Silly man!” she said. “Why didn’t he ask someone?” Accused: “How could I commit forgery when I can’t write my own name?” Magistrate: “You are not accused of writing your own name.” Mrs. Montmorency: “I thought you loved your pet dog so much?” Mrs. Poulton: “So I do, dear; but my husband is doing so well in business now that we can afford one with a better pedigree! “ < • • « • She: “I took the recipe for these cakes out of the cookery book.” He: “You did quite right dear. It should never have been put in.” Kindly Old Lady: “My poor man, was there no one to stretch out a hand to you?” Ex-convict: “Yes, mum, that’s how they got me.” • • • • Mrs. White: “Is your husband having any luck in his garden?” Mrs. Green:*“Oh. yes. He got sunstroke and collected £BO from the insurance company.” Marget: “Hang it, man! If your car has been stolen, why don’t you communicate with the police?” Target: “I’m not worrying about the car. I’m wondering how they got the thing to go! ” ♦ « • * “Have you any alarm clocks?” enquired a customer.” “What I want is one that will arouse father without waking the whole family.” “I don’t know of any such clock, madam,” said the salesman. “Wc keep just the ordinary kind that will wake the whole family without disturbing father.” • • • • A Suitable Tune A naval chaplain believed in music as a means to interest men in religion. One day he arranged a lecture, which was illustrated by lantern slides. He told off one seaman, the happy possessor of a gramophone, to play appropriate music as each picture was shown. Everything wont well until a picture of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden was thrown upon the scene. The sailor was nonplussed, and ran through his list of tunes. “Go on,” pleaded the chaplain, “play something.” The seaman had a happy inspiration, and a moment later the gramophone burst into the first bars of that oncepopular ditty, “If you were th© only girl in the world, and I was the only i boy. ’ ’ * * * * Smoker’s Hard Luck The train was about to start. A man stepped into a smoking compartment, settled himself in a corner, and felt ’ for his pipe, tobacco and matches. But ' his pocket contained no matches. He was alone in the carriage, and there was no stop for three hours. He looked out of the window. An automatic machine caught his eye. In a

flash he reached it. No pennies were among the coins in his pocket. There was a florin. It was worth it. He sprang in just as the train was moving, sank into his corner and opened his prize—a packet of butterscotch!

Foreman: You must not smoke work.” Labourer: “Who’s working?” “Did you over see her in ‘East Lynn’?”* “No; but I fancy I once saw her in West Tamaki.” “Can your fiancee keep a secret?” “Rather. We were engaged for three weeks before I knew it.” < “Coming to my daughter’s wedding to-morrow, Bill?” “No, why should I?” “Well, I’ve got a barrel of wedding breakfast in.” Friend: “I hear your wife met with an accident in her car. Was it serious?” Husband: “Nothing much. Just a little paint off both.”* “Let us turn your suit inside out,” states an advertisement. Thanks, the Minister of Finance has already done it, including the pockets. Cupid is an archer rare. With arrows, hugs and kisses, He hit the target every time By simply making Mrs. “My husband is very frank an 4 plain-spoken. He always calls a spado a spado.” “So is mine. But I can’t tell you what he sometimes calls his golf clubs.” Lady motorist (who has swerved into cyclist): “I’m awfully sorry, but it really wasn’t my fault. I put out my hand.” Gallant Irishman: “Sure, me darlin’, ’tis your hand that’e so small I didn’t sec it at all.” Worried Telephone Subscriber: “I say. my telephone hasn’t been working for a month, and you paid no attention to my letter of complaint.” Irish Official: “We did. We rang you up to ask what was wrong, and got no answer! ” ♦ • • • Customer (looking doubtfully at box from which he is being served): “These cigars are smaller than they used to be.” Tobacconist: “Yes, sir. You see, the manufacturer noticed that the last inch of the cigar is always thrown away, so he’s making them that much shorter.” Courteous motorist: “Can I give you a lift, sir?” Absent-minded Professor (beaming): “That’s very kind of you, but I’m afraid I could find a use for a lift. You see, I live in a bungalow!’’

Friend (sceptically): “Do you mean to tell me that you cycled across a ploughed field at fifty miles an hour?” Motor-cyclist (significantly): “If you don’t believe me, ask my mother-in-law—she was on the carrier!” • • ♦ • It Was no Sudden “That’s a nice-looking fellow at the next table,” said a young man who had taken a girl friend to lunch in a restaurant. “Is he a friend of yours?” “Yes, he is,” said the girt “Well—er—l think I’ll ask him to join us.” “Oh, this is so sudden! Why—why, that’s our minister,’ 1 she said, blushing. ♦ • • • Ho was Misunderstood Husband: “I’ve called for my missus, doctor.” Doctor: “I see. Tell her to take two of these pills after meals, and this powder before going to bed.” Husband: “What about her coughing, sir?” Doctor: “My dear man, you had better see an undertaker about that.”* Taking Salt With it The rustic old countryman was on his first visit to the seaside. At low tide he noticed a fishing boat high and dry on the beach, and he asked an old salt standing near it how they got the boat down to th© water. “We don’t,” he was told, “the water comes up to the boat.” “Aw, now, mister,” the old chap said with a guffaw, “Oi may be from the country, but Oi’m not sae green as ter ewaller that!” • • • • The Wrong Window He had dined very well and wib doing his best to fit his key into the lock, singing a happy song meanwhile. After a time a head looked out of the window above. “Go away, you fool!” cried the man upstairs; “you’re trying to get into the wrong house.” “Fool yourself!” shouted the man | below, indignantly. “You’re looking out of the wrong window!”