WIT and HUMOUR

Wanganui Chronicle, Volume 74, Issue 228, 26 September 1931, Page 14 (Supplement)

WIT and HUMOUR

“What must one do to have beautiful hands?” “Nothing.” A woman doesn’t worry one-tenth as much over being two-faced as about being double-chinned. “Yer couldn’t see a man starve, could yer, lidy?” “Not ’very well. I’ve come out without my glasses.” Miss Everybody: “I want some eggs, but I must be sure there are no chickens in them.” Grocer: “Well, how about a dozen duck eggs?” Agent: “Now here’s a house without a flaw.” Client: “What do you walk on? ” “That woman in the box hasn’t taken her eyes off me for an hour.” “How do you know?” Son: “Dad, what do standing armies sit on when they are tired?” lather: “The seat of war, my boy.” “Fred, dear, I like the look of that hat in the window.” “Well, we can come back to-morrow and have another look.” Mother: “Are you sure Bill loves you and you alone?” Daughter: “Oh, yes, mother —more then than at any other time.” For nearly an hour the girl had been compelled to listen to the fatuous guest. “I fell off my bicycle last week and was knocked senseless,” he said. “When do you expect to get better?'’ she asked quickly. “You’re looking bad, old man,” said an acquaintance to Browne. “What’s the trouble?” “Domestic,” replied Browne briefly, “But you always said your wife was a pearl.” “So she is. It’s the mother o’ pearl that’s the trouble. ’' “Only one out of ten amateur gardeners is really successful,” states an expert. The other nine probably have neighbours who keep chickens. “Your essay is excellent, Jones, but it is exactly the same as Philip’s. What shall I conclude from that?” “That his is excellent, too, teacher.”

Doctor (who has taken a friend to see the country house he is building):

“I haven’t made up my mind what to call it yet.” Friend: “Why not ‘Bedside Manor’?”

Policeman (giving evidence): “He was fighting his wife, your worship, when I arrested him, and —” Prisoner (interrupting ruefully): “When you rescued me, if you don’t mind.”

“What’s all that scuffling going on in the kitchen, Mary?” “Well —er — sir, I’m sorry, sir, but the policeman tried to kiss me.” “Oh, I sec. You forcibly objected.” “Er —no, sir. The postman did.” No Mote in His Eye “What are you studying now?” asked Mrs Johnson. “We have taken up the subject of molecules,” answered her son. “I hope you will be very attentive and practice constantly,” said the mother. “I tried to get your father to wear one, but he could not keep it in his eye.” Only Daydreams 4 “In my youth,” said /Briggs, “I used to sit on my high stool dreaming of the day when I should have a business of my own and be paying salaries to other people.” “And now what has happened?” asked his tender-hearted listener. Briggs closed his account-books wearily. “Now I find myself -wishing someone else had the business and I was back on a salary,” he said. A Good Sticker The age-old problem of mothers-in-law had cropped up for discussion at the men’s club. Mr Cum-Monday waxed bitter in his remarks against theifi. “My mother-in-law has only visited me once since I got mariied, ” he mentioned. “Well, you’re jolly lucky,” said Mr Go-Toosday. “I can’t see what you’ve got to coinplain about.” “Lucky, you say,” said Mr CumMunday. “Why, she’s never left.” Manners A distinguished personage took a shoot in Scotland. He was very haughty and hated anything in the nature of familiarity. One day, out on the moors during the luncheon break, he heard two of the gillies talk of Ben Nevis. With acute displeasure in his eye he called them to his side. “What were you discussing?” he asked, coldly. “We were speaking of Ben Nevis, sir,” answered the head gillie. “Ah, yes,” corrected the distinguished person. “I presume you mean Mr Benjamin Nevis.”

A: “Do you like home cooking?” B: “I used to—before I got married.” “Is your wife a good after-dinner speaker?” “No. But you ought to hear her before breakfast.” “Why didn’t you scream when Claude kissed you in the garden?” “He is so shy—if I had he would have run away.” Mr Newlywed: “Sweetheart, these biscuits are fine.” His Wife: “Oh, Bertram, that’s the butter dish you’re eating!” An instrument has been invented that measures to the 5,000,000 th of an inch. It should be useful to a motorist trying to find a place to park his car.

Miss Spinster: “A gentleman called me beautiful yesterday. Do you think it is sinful of me to feel a little proud of the compliment?” Genial Parson: “Not at all. It is the gentleman who is the sinner—not you.”

“How did you like the opera. Minna?” “It was lovely, ma’am. It was ‘Lohengrin.’ ” “So you made the acquaintance of Wagner?” “No. ma’am, he told me his name was Miller.”

Sister: “Really, Norman, you must ask Miss Freakley for a dance.” Brother: “Yes, I’m going to, but I’m waiting for a dreamy waltz, so that I can have an excuse for closing my eyes ’'

Dissatisfied Diner (having settled his bill): “Do you mind if I stay here a while?” Waiter: “Not at all, sir.” “Thanks. I always like to take a good look round a place I’m seeing for the last time.”

Mr Brown: “If you hadn’t fooled about so much, wo shouldn’t have lost the train.” Mrs Brown: “Yes; and if you hadn’t made me run like mad, we shouldn’t have had so long to wait for the next one.”

An aeroplane landed near a very oldfashioned village. The squire was viewing the rare spectacle when one of the villagers asked him why it had come down. “They have lost their bearings,” he replied. “My, but they don’t expect to buy aeroplane bearin’s in a village like this, do they?” His Bad Luck Jixson had transferred his cricket prowess from one village cricket team to another. One day he mot one of his old team friends. “How are you getting on with your new club?” asked the friend. Jixson shook his head miserably. “Not so grand,” he refflied. “The captain always seems to put me in to bat in the middle of a hat-trick.” Out of School The teacher of the boys’ school was giving her pupils a general knowledge test. “Now. then,” she commenced, “we borrowed our numerals from the Arabs, our calendar from’ the Romans, and our banking from the Greeks. Can anybody else give me some examples?” Bertie, W’ho sat precariously near the lowest desk in the class, rose io his feet. “Yes. teacher,” he said, “I know some. Our lawn-mow®r from the Smiths, our sewing-machine from the Browns, and a pair of steps from the Jones.” The Truth Will Out Brown was a novice at golf. ‘When his turn came to drive his ball off the first tee at the village common links he approached the small white object falteringly. Presently he swung up his club and took a mighty hit. Immediately something went flying into the air. Brown looked up hopefully. But, alas, it wasn’t his ball that went soaring along the fairway; it was only a large piece of turf. “Extraordinary!” he exclaimed miserably. His yoqjig caddie nodded in agreement. “Yes, sir,” he said, “it does seem a bit out of the common.” In Training The bus was doing a good turn of speed. Presently-the conductor noticed that one of his passengers kept looking nervously behind the vehicle. “Anything wrong,” sir?” he asked. “I didn’t like to say anything before,” said the passenger, “but are you aware that a man has been trying to catch this bus for the last ten minutes? ’ 3

The conductor turned and stared at the running figure. “Oh, ’im! ” he said. “That’s old Bill Bowling. He’s the favourite for the ’arf mile at the village sports. Me and the driver ’ave got some money on ’ini, and we’re just timin' ’im.” Advice to Batsman The cautious player had been in for nearly half an hour without scoring a run, and the fielders were beginning to get annoyed. His gentle play at last grew so pronounced that they closed within a few feet of him, waiting eagerly for the catch. Thq light, began to fail. It was essential that the wicket, which was the last, should fall before the time came to draw stumps. Closer and closer came the fielders until there was barely room for the batsman to raise his hat. Suddenly a thin, piping voice was heard from among the spectators. ‘‘Look out, Bill,” it said. “Take care you don ’t get your pocket picked. ” “A Blooming Fiver” Jones was hard up. He had gone up North on business, and found himself stranded. So he put through a trunk telephone call to Smith. “Hello!” he asked. “Is that Smith?” ‘ ‘ Y es. ’' “I say, old man, I’m in a fix. I’m stranded up here without any money. Can you wire me a fiver?” “Sorry, Jones, I can’t, hear you.” “I say I’m stranded up here—no cash. Can you wire me u fiver?” “Can’t catch a word. Say it again.” ‘ ‘ I—tell—you—l’m—stranded—up—h e re— without—a n > —in o ney. Can —you —wire—me—a—f-i-v-e-r?” “There must be something wrong with this line. Can’t get the sense of it all. Don’t you think—” At this stage the operator chipped in: “There is nothing wrong with the line. I can hoar the caller distinctly.” “Oh, cart you?” said Smith. “Then you lend him the blooming liver.”