The STORYTELLER

Wanganui Chronicle, Volume 73, Issue 81, 5 April 1930, Page 22 (Supplement)

The STORYTELLER

She waited on the corner joyously — then peusiveiy—then expect.-nUy —the 1 * casually—then anxiously—and an hour passed! “Alan,” she said, “is a brute, faithless ami untrue, incapable of keeping a promise.” Two hundred yards down the street he said the same thin o about women. She was on the wrong corner! Hatter: “I’m afraid this is the softest. felt, wc have, sir. ’ Customer (loser of wager): “You'll have to get a softer one, then, I’m afraid. You sec, I’vc got to eat it.” It was evening and the proprietor oi the village confectionery shop was puffing and panting as he struggled with the shutters. As he prepared to put up the last board, he felt a gentle touch on his arm. Looking down, he saw a little girl standing beside him. »Shc looked into his red, perspiring face with expectation and said: “Please will you take the shutters down again; 1 want to see what to spend my penny on.” Head Grocer (making up the wholesale order for the week): “George, do we want any new-laid eggs ’’ Assistant: No. sir. We have enough in the store-room for another six “So the doctor couldn’t give you anything to stop your husband talking in his sleep?” “No —but what I really wanted was something to make him talk more distinctly. ’ ’ Customer (doubtfully): “Is this a pedigree dog?’’ Dealer: “Pedigree! Why, if this dog could talk he wouldn't speak to either of us! ” “Strike me, then! Strike me! Go on, yer big coward! I defy yer!” “I wouldn’t flatter yer by alterin’ ‘the shape o’ yer fice! ” A certain lift boy in one of the big stores hated to be asked needless questions. One day a rather fussy old lady entered the lift. “Don’t you oxer feel sick going up and down in this lift all day?” she asked. “Yes, ma’am,” said the boy. “Is the motion going down?” ‘‘ No, ma ’am. ’ ’ “'l’he motion going up?” “No. ma’am.” “Is it the stopping that does it?” “No, ma’am.” “Then what is it?” “Answering questions, ma'am.’’ Airs Juggs: “John, would you like Io go to the theatre next Thursday?” Air Juggs: “No, 1 wouldn’t!’’ “Good! Then 1 can spend the money on a new hat I saw yesterday.” House Agent (to prospective tenant): “Before drawing up the agreement, I must say that wc cannot allow any children.” “Nor any pets such as cats and dogs. ’ ’ “We haven’t any.” “Nor a piano.” “Well, we’ll get rid of ours.” “Or any —” “You don’t object, I suppose, to a mangle that squeaks a little?” ♦ # • “But has he any will power?” “Try to borrow some money, you’ll soon see.” The house was on fire, and the brigade was having a hard fight to get the flames under control. Suddenly a young woman rushed up tw one jf the firemen. “Oh,” she cried, “save it for m< ! Save it!’’ She pointed to a window; and without a word the fireman rushed to do her bidding. “How ol<l was it?” asked one of the bystanders. “Only a month!” moaned the woman. “And look!”—as the fireman could be seen coming back —“He hasn "t got it! ” “I'm sorry.” he said, “but I couldn't find the child.” “Child?” cried the woman. “I said nothing about a child!” “Then—what was it?” the onlookers asked her. “It was my bi-bicycle!” she sobbed. “I’d had it only a month.” Little Frank, who had recently removed with his family to a new house, was taken to visit the new tenants of the old house, with whom his mother was on friendly terms. The chief ob jcct of interest during the call was a recently-arrived baby. Frank was much taken with the infant, and on his way home remarked: “Alother, it was a pity we moved from that house. If we’d stayed a bit longer we should have got that baby.”

“Horses!” said the American in the corner seat of the train. “Guess you can’t ta k to me about horses. 1 had an old mare who once licked our best ‘express by a couple of miles on a thirty-niile run.” “That’s nothing,” said the English farmer opposite. “1 was out one day when a frightful storm came up. I turneu the pony’s head for my farm, about seven miles away, and, do you know, he raced the storm so close that I didn’t fee] a drop, while my dog only ten yards behind, had to swim the whole distance!” Counsel (for the defence): “No< what time was it when you were attacked?” Complainant (angrily;: ‘‘J don't know; ask your client —he took my watch. ’ ’ I The country lad who had applied for a job on the railway, came from the examination room and told his waiting .relatives that he was colour blind. “But you can't be,’’ said his father. “You are no more colour-blind than 1 am.” “1 know that, father,” was the reply, “but it all comes of bein' polite.” “What do you mean?” ‘ Weil, 1 weru into the room an’ a man held something up for me to look at. ‘Now,’ he said, ‘this is green, isn't it? You are positive it’s green.” —quite pleadin’ like—an’ although I could see plain enough it was red, I couldn’t tell him so. So 1 agreed with him, and they sent me out.” “They were going to elope last night, but it’s all off now. They couldn’t decide on a conveyance.” “Why, they both own motorcars, don ’t they?” “Yes. That was the difficulty. She would have it that hers was the faster, and he insisted that his was.” Mrs Newlywed: I'm going out to buy a book. ’ ’ Her Friend: “A book!” “ Yes, my husband bought me the most adorable reading lamp yesterday. ’ ’ Conjurer: “Now, if any lady or gentleman will give me an egg, 1 will perform a really marvellous trick.” Voice from Gallery: ‘‘Don’t be silly! Ain’t you 'ad proof there ain't a egg in the place?” “Why are you so pensive?” he “I’m not pensive,” she replied. “But you haven't said a word fur twenty minutes.” “Well, 1 didn’t have anything to “Don’t you ever say anything when you have nothing to sav?” “Will you be my wife?” A man was taking his son, aged ten, to town. While in the train he attempted to amuse the lad by showing him a few tricks. Snatching the boy’s cap from his head he pretended to throw it out of the window, at the same time, unknown to the boy, hiding it under his arm. | “Now,” said the father, “watch daddy whistle your hat back.” To the astonishment of the boy the hat reappeared. A minute later the little boy jumped up suddenly, snatched his father's hat from his head, and, throwing it uut of the window, said, triumphantly: “Whistle that back, daddy!” They were in the midst of a heated discussion. He declared that a man could kiss a girl whether she willed it or not, while she maintained that it couldn’t be done. Finally they decided that the only way to settle the argument was by experimenting. j The man won after a brief struggle, and kissed the girl ardently for several moments. Then he released her. “Oh, well.” said the girl, “you didn’t win fairly! My foot slipped. Try it again.” ‘lf you tell a man a thing it goes in at one ear and out at the other,” she remarked. “And if you tell a woman a thing.” he countered, ‘it goes in at both ears and out of her mouth.’’ The small boy was sobbing loudly “What’s Billie crying about?” inquired his mother of the maid. “Well, ma'am, he wanted to go ami play with Master Robbie next door.” “Why didn’t you let him go?” “Because, ma’am I ’card as 'ow they was having charades, and 1 wasn’t sure whether it was catching.” “When I’m a man,” said five-ycar-olc. Hubert, musingly, “I'll go and hunt for buried treasure. I’d like to find the place where Methuselah stored his birthday presents.” “I’ve decided to become a vegetarian. ’ ’ “Did the doctor advise it?” “No —the butcher. He won’t givo me any more credit.” The learned counsel glared at thw witness. He had opened a fish shop, and ho ordered a new sign to be painted. It read: “Fresh Fish Sold Here.” “What did you put the word ‘fresh’ in for?” said a customer. “You wouldn’t sell it if it wasn’t fresh, would you?” He painted out the word, leaving just “Fish Sold Here.” “Why do you say ‘here’?” asked another customer. “You’re not selling it anywhere else, are you ” So he took out the word “here.” “Why use ‘sold’?” asked still another customer. “You’re not giving them away, are you?” So he painted out everything but. the word “Fish,” remarking, “Well, nobody can find fault with that.’’ Next day a customer came in and said: ‘I don’t see the use of that sign ‘Fish’ when you can smell it a milo away. ”

A motorist was charged with exceeding the speed limit along a country lane.

“Is it g fact,” the magistrate asked the policeman in the witness-box. “that the defendant’s car went round the corner at thirty miles an hour?”

The policeman nodded. “Yes, sir. It must have been that.” jF “What gear was he in?”

The policeman looked puzzled. “He was travelling too fast for me to see properly, sir,” he said, “but T remember he had a bowler hat. and a black scarf on.”