IN LIGHTER VEIN

Wanganui Chronicle, Volume LXXXIII, Issue 20110, 31 March 1928, Page 13 (Supplement)

IN LIGHTER VEIN

THREE TRIFLES I.—OUK SERVING HATCH The day before we moved into our new house we made a final tour of it, and 1 noticed a cunning little manhole connecting the dining-room and the kitchen. •*What’s that?” 1 asked my wife. “Serving-batch,” she replied. “1 suppose,” I said, “we shall bo battening it down to-morrow. How does this one batten?’’ “It doesn’t, and it won’t,” said my Wife. That was that. We got the stuff in next day, but it was a losing struggle throughout, and at the end of a 16ng day the men were tired and dumped things simply anywhere. I thought I would use the hatch and rid the dining-room of kitchen gear.

I waited until my wife had gone upstairs, then I took up some loose pla cs and stepped briskly toward the hatch. The manoeuvre seemed simple, but 1 had reckoned without the dog, who chose to bound in from somewhere, run between my legs, and precipitate a disaster. 1 reeled, almost reached the hatch, and then my forehead caught the ledge- The plates flew in all directions, the dog gave a shrill yelp and I collapsed-

When I regained consciousness my wife was caressing the dog, who was making an absurd fuss, '‘rhe infernal brute nearly killed me,” I exclaimed angrily.

“You nearly killed him, you mean. Poor Micky!”

I scrambled to my feet and put my ear into a naked gas flame. The pain was excruciating, but stoically 1 repressed my emotion, took off my coat, and rolled up my sleeves. “I shall now clear the room,” I told my wife, who left me immediately to my task. I began with a bookcase and, smart ing with the pain of rue fall and the gas flame, was sufficiently physically irritated to throw some heavy orticles about as if they were so many feathers when I again tripped over the dog.

The consequences were slight, but enough to infuriate me. I seized the dog, conveyed him squirming and barking to the hatch, and attempted to thrust him through it into the kitchen. I would get something through that hatch or know ithe reason why. I had underestimated the size of the dog; he stuck half-way, and his hysterical shrieks brought my wife down. “How could you?” she screamed.

When after our combined efforts the dog had eventually been extracted like a refractory cork and cast out of the room howling, and when order had been stored to some extent, my wife and I sat exhaustedly in the same armchair. I said: “It would have been better if the hatch had been ” “Had been what?” in a challenging voice. “Battened down.” I replied. 2.—NEWLY MINTEDW e were going over that old, old subject—who was the richest member of the family? It was Friday morning and I wanted half a crown to see me Over until the evening. I hat e writing out the usual week-end cheque before I am sure that my salary is in the bank to meet it. “Sevenpence halfpenny,” my wife announced. “Of course,'” she added hurriedly, “I happened to buy that hat after all, yesterday, darling.' But I told you, didn’t I?” “No,” I said bluntly. “I’ve got exactly four and fivepence,” I broke in bitterly. My wife rose. “Well, I’ll go and see if I—” .she caught my eye. We both flushed guiltily. She was going to extract hah a crown from the heir’s loaded money-box. It is always the last resort, and to salve our consciences we always double the amount when we nut it back.

“You know,” T said to the heir 3 “what you’re worth--really?” “A hundred million pounds,” he decided speculatively.

“Three hundred pounds in the bank, you’ve got,” I said, “besides what’s in your money-box. England is packed with wealthy children, rolling in money, while their fathers starve.”

“Mummy said I could have one piese with jam,” the heir whispered. My wife came in and nodded towards the clock. I rose. “I’ve put it on the hall table,” she Baid.

4 4 Please may I say grace and get down?” the heir inquired urgently, wiping his mouth carefully with his sleeve, and getting down- 4 4 Thank God Tor my ” The door slammed behind him.

I picked up the half a crown later and opened the door. 44 Daddy!’ cried the heir’s voice.

He rushed up the hall and pressed something into my hand. It was something, to him, worth far more than his hundreds of pounds in the bank. It was something worth more than anything else in the world to him at the time. He had been sleeping with it ander his pillow—a bright, newlyminted penny. He gave it to me and rushed back to his toys. You cannot beat the moneyed children of England, can you 3—AREN’T THEY ALL. I am not quite sure now how it began. Whether it was Daphne who went out and asked Mrs Perry to take a small white from the baker when he called, or the other way round, I do not know. At all events. Mrs Perry or Daphne happened to take in a large brown and there you are! I have to travel up to town each day with Perry. We are quite pals in a way, and it was deuced awkward. Our wives had quarrelled. “It’s nothing to do with us, though, is it?” Perry began, when we met on the train next day.

“I shall meet you in the clubhouse on Saturday, I hope,” I responded warmly. “Don’t even know what it’s about,” Perry went on carelessly. 4 4 Something to do with a white or brown loaf—pah! I can quite understand your wife making the error, anyway. Personally, I don’t give a—”

“No, I think the boot’s on the other foot, old chap,” I said gently. “But in any case, it doesn’t matter.”

‘‘Daphne took in the brown loaf—l know that,” Perry smiled. I frowned. “Pardon me, Perry,” I said, “but it was your wife—Joan’” “Look here,” Perry began, 44 1 don’t want to argue about —”

“But you are arguing,” I pointed out.” “I’m not arguing,” Perry snapped. “I’m telling you —” “Then don’t tell me!” I roared. A sudden silence fell between usI met Perry on the evening train later that day. We passed each other utter and complete strangers. “What’s the rush, darling!” Daphne smiled, as I dashed breathlessly into the drawing-room, hurrying to toil her the news. “Bit nippy out,” I growled. Then my eye caught the remains of a *eaparty. 44 Ha110! Visitors?” “Oh, just had Joan Perry in to tea,” Daphne said casually. “We’ve been up to town doing a little shopping. Bought the sweetest new hat.—Darling! What’s the matter ” “Noth-nothing! ” I said. I put it to you? Aren’t they all — 1