A SPICE OF HUMOUR

Wanganui Chronicle, Volume LXXXIII, Issue 19840, 14 May 1927, Page 20 (Supplement)

A SPICE OF HUMOUR

JOKES FROM ALL QUARTERS

Nature, not Art. Cross and Short-Sighted Old T ady (in antique shop): "And here, I suppose, is another of the horrible portraits you call ‘art’! ” "Excuse me, madam.” said the shopkeeper, quietly, "but that’s a mirror.” $> «> So it Does. Green: "I say, Tom, do you know Thin Smith.” "No!” "Do you know Fat Burns?” "No!” "Well, it does!” His Discovery. Albert came in from school with a swollen eye and cut cheek, ami explained that he had been fighting Tommy Smith. ‘"You shouldn’t fight with that boy,” said his mother impatiently. "I know that, mother,” he said sadly. "I found it out as soon as 1 started.’ ’ & & Who, Indeed? She: 11 There arc two men I really admire.’ ’ He: "Who’s tho other?” ® ♦ No Mistake This Time. He whs looking very sad and dejected as ho came into the office one rooming, and the other fellows chippid him. "What’s the matter, Jim? Your girl turned you down?” "Yes,” came the dismal reply. "Well, don’t take it so badly,” comforted Griggs. "A woman’s 4 no’ often means ‘yes,’ you know.” "Quite probably,” came in even more mournful tones. "But this girl didn’t sav no—she said 4 rats!’ ” ❖ You’re a— Chambers: "My wife and I have never quarrelled. What do you think of that?” Clarke: "Quite good! Now I’ll toll one.” ♦ ♦ The Last Lap. "Grandpa’s a hundred and three years old to-day, doctor.’’ "Trn’t that splendid! And does he read or do Anything?” "No, ’c don’t seem to ’ave no ambition for nothin’.” j

Au Applied Proverb. Jones (to shoeblack): "What doe. your father do?” Shoeblack: "He’s a farmer, sir!” Jones: 44 0 h, I sec; he makes ha] while the son shines!” «S> <§> <s> Persistence. The window-cleaner, noticing tha the windows of the house were rathe d rty, inquired if the owner would lik< tiiom cleaned. "No,” was the abrupt reply. "The] don’t want it.” Tho window-cleaner paused. Thei he asked, softly: 44 Might 1 give youi spectacles a wi]c ever?” s><»<s Unanswered. A guide had been showing a part' of visitors round a great picture gal lory, and when they had been througl all the rooms he said: "And now, ladies and gentlemen, i anyone would like to ask a questioi I shall be happy to try and answer.’ "Well,” staid a woman "can yo: tell me what brand of polish they us< to keep these floors so shiny?” ❖ So They Are. "You will find, my dear, that all mei are cast pretty much in the saim mould.” "Yes, Auntie, but some are mu.-l more mouldy than others. ” ■s<s><s► Took Her Advice. A woman who had given a party tot. her maid to put away all the refresh ments that were left on the tables be fore retiring to bed. Tho next day sh< could not find them, and called to ho maid: "Janet, what did you do with those things I told you to put awby las night?’ ’ "Well, mum, you told mo to put ’on away, and I did, muni, and enjoyee ’em! ” ❖ <» * j*roviding an Example. <4 l’m going to bring Forgusson home to-night. ’ ’ "Why, wo haven’t a thing to eat ir the house, the cook is in a bad temper baby has a tooth coming, and mothe: will be here!-’’ "Yes, that’s why I’m going to brin< him homo! The young idiot is think ing of getting married.”

It Settled Him. I Irate Housewife: "Aren’t, you the same man as I gave a piece of pudding to last wook?” ! Tramp (bitterly): “No, mum. I’m ■ not. and wet's more, the doctor says I never will be. ” 3> <s• Three of Them. They were dear little girls, and she was a. kind old lady. She inquir-1 their Inges. "Cissic and I will bo seven on th'i fifth of’ June, ” replied one of thorn 44 0 h, then you arc twins.” 4 4 No, we’re not.’ ’ "But.” persisted iho lady, "if von are both seven years old on the sam.’i day. you must be twins,” "But we’re not,” insisted the chill. "There’s another of u.s—we’re triplets. ” ♦ A Good Second. Little Ikey: "Fader, is marriage a failure?’ ’ Father: "Yell, my son, if you ar« careful Io choose a very rich voman, it is sometimes almost as good las a failure! ” efr <3> ♦ He Fell In. "I’ll never ask another woman to marry me as long as I live.” 4 4 Refused again?” ! "No, accepted.” > ♦ ♦ Try That One! The boro was boasting about his proficiency with the ’cello. "I can play Anything on it,” he announced. 44 Thon play the piano on it,” said n tired man in lhe corner. «> <s> ♦ Precise. A man who bought a country ostato was entertaining a house-party which ! included a famous geologist. Pointing to an enormous rock in the distance, • he said:— "That’s seventy thousand and throo years old.” I "You're very precise,” the geologist "Oh, I know I’m right!” his host replied. "A geologist was here thrc.3 years ago. and he .Maid then it was seventy thousand vears old.” «> > ♦ That’s All. "Can T borrow your pen, Boh?” 4 4 Certainly. ’ ’ 4 ‘Got a sheet of writing-paper I cart use ? ’ ’ "Yes. Help yourself.” "Going past the post-office when yo». go out?’’ "I can do.” "Wait a minute till I finish this letter. will vou? ” “All right.” "Want to lend me a stamp?” "Don’t mind.” "Much obliged. By the way, what’s /your girl’s address?”