A SPICE OF HUMOUR

Wanganui Chronicle, Volume LXXXIII, Issue 19828, 30 April 1927, Page 20 (Supplement)

A SPICE OF HUMOUR

JOKES FROM ALL QUARTERS

His Wife’s Eyes. “You had better be X-rayed,” said the doctor. “There’s no need,” sighed the patient. “Get my wife; she’s always been able to see through me!” <£<♦><£ Innocence. Mrs. Newbride: “I want a pound of i mincemeat, and please take it from a nice voung mince.” ❖ Hartch.es ! A London bus-conductor had shouted “ ’lgh ’Olborn!” until a passenger could no longer resist the temptation to make a joke. “Excuse me,’’ he said, “but haven’t you dropped something?’ ’ “I sec wot you’re driving at,’’ returned the Cockney, keenly, “hut never mind. I’ll pick it up when we get to Hoxf ord Street. ’ ’ <S> <•> & Open Confession. A well-known artist rolled into a ■ London club a few evenings ago ob- ! viously under the influence’ of drink. , A friendly member took him in han 1 and told him he would have to pull himself together. The budding genius answered: “Yes,; I’m a darned fool. In fact, I am one i ■ of those chaps my father always warned j | me against.” <s>■s>s> Couldn’t Be Closer. i A woman who had approached the I i box-office of a West-end theatre was i I making a great fuss about the stall I they gave her. I “Are you quite positive,” she said, for the third time, “that this seat is near enough to the stage?” “Madam.’ said the box-office clerk, “if it was much nearer you’d have to 'act in the play.” <s><s> <s> The Way Out. | The native genius of a Lancashire j man had carried him to big success in i business without much laid of education., I He was asked to distribute the prizes : at a school, and made the usual speech ■ , of good counsel. i “Now, boys,” he said, “always re-, member that education is a great thing.: There’s nothing like education. Take: 'arithmetic. Through education we i learn that twice two mlake’ four, that. twice six makes twelve, that seven i sevens make. . . . and then there's 1 geography.’’ <s> <s> Pat was Convinced. ' An Irish gardener, having obtained ! i leave to attend a wedding, returned I with two black eyes which he explained I as follows: — i “Whin Oi got there Oi saw a fellow dressed up to the noines and sthruttin' I about as proud as a phycock. i “ ‘An’ who are you?’ says Oi. j “ ‘Oi’m the best man.’ says he. I “An’, begorra, he was!” <s> ■s> Not What he Meant. She had served the firm long and faithfully; but although her business I capacity was enormous, her claim to . beauty wias non-existent. It fell to the lot of a nervous mana-j ger to propose her health at the staff dinner. “Ladies and gentlemen,’’ he beg n. “there are those whn sneer at women in business, and say their face is their fortune. I am sure you will agree, when you look at Miss Frump, that no such charge could be levelled at her.' ’ And to this d*ay he cannot understand her frosty attitude. <s►<»<s Misrepresentation. The pickpocket had been caught redhanded, but his solicitor tried to mini- ' mize the case. “Gentlemen.” he said, addressing the jury, “remember that my client is ' only charged with simple theft.” I “Simple!” interposed the accused, ’ ! indignantly. “I’d like to see you do ! it!” <£<»<?> By Proxy. il Valet: “Your hath is ready, sir.’’ I Young Algy: “Good—you take it -1 for me, Simmons, and be' sure and have ‘ a cold shower! ’’ ri <? <s>«> r i Justly Annoyed. ‘j A newspaper reporter whose w-ik i was with ships and shipping news was r I very popular with all the skippers and ’ ' seamen he met. His only failing was ’ ‘ drink, and on several occasions he had been carried across to America and ’ back because he didn’t hear the call i of “ All ashore!” This happened so often that whenever he' failed to return to his office no one took much notice. On one oct casion, while visiting a liner, he got in a worst state than usual. When he came to, he found that the vessel had started on a world tour. Ho decided to ’. complete the journey. 1 Two years later, after seeing the t 1 world, he returned to London, hastened I to his office, and wotit straight to his desk. 1 “He!” he. shouted. “Who the 1 deuce moved mv typewriter?” ’ <§> <?> Just the Man. t A burly man sauntered into the s offices of a film-producing company and s managed to reach the managing direct tor’s office without being accosted. i He told the director that he wished . to secure an engagement with the company. As the applicant looked a most J unlikely person for such a post, the s director asked if he had had any pre- ? vious experience. “I get Saturday afternoons off,” stated the would-be player, “an’ I q might as well .spend the time actin ’ for pictures.” “But have you had any experience (i in moving pictures?’’ asked the director, who was rather doubtful on the point. “Have I?” exclaimed the man, and his voice was full of scorn. “ I’ve been 1 vanman to the Sbiftum Furniture Removing Company for five years.”

Outsiae. “I should like to see a jumper my size,” said the stout woman. “So should I, by Jove!” cried the ; assistant. <§><§><s> His Best Beloved. 1 There had been a quarrel—the first '! since “The' Wedding March” had . 1 played them out of church. i When he left for the City in the morning her farewell had been chilly. Thinking things over in the office, he had come to the conclusion that perhaps he had been in the wrong, and when he arrived home he carried a ' small but interesting-looking parcel containing a peace offering. But she refused to be interested. “Wouldn’t you like to know what’s in this little packet, darling?” he asked, wistfully. “I expect I can go on living with- ! out knowing!” she replied, coldly. j “Well,” he went on, “it’s somei thing for the one I love more than any- ; body else in the world!” I “Rc'ally?” she said. “Then I suppose it’s that cigarette-ease you’ve been wanting for ages!” «> The Mote and tilie Beam. i She was very near-sighted and I couldn't recognize things more than ' a yard away. Her lover didn’t know , oi it yet and she was going io make | sure he didn’t find out. Before ae : called one evening, she placed a pin | in a tree, about filly feet from a seat on which she was certain they would sit. Sure enough, they strolled for some time in the garden and then he suggested sitting down. “Oh, look at the pin in that tree over there!” she exclaimed. “You couldn’t possibly see a pin in that tree. Why, it’s over fifty feet, i away. ” I “You come with me and I’ll prove i' there’s a pin in it.” She grabbed him by the hand and they started for the tree'. On the way she stumbled over a cow. O Holding On. The passer-by stared with amazement when he looked over the fence and slaw a man holding a goat by the horns. “Would you please hold this goat while I climb the fence and open the ■■ gate?” the man asked the passer-by politely. ; “Why, certainly.” the latter replied, gripping the animal. “Much obliged.’’ said the man when he got on the other side of the fence. “The brute attacked me an hour ago, ■ and I’ve been fighting him ever sin-ce. i He can’t hurt you while you hold his j horns, and I hope you hlave the same . luck as I had.” He’d Heard Something. The Robinsons had bought a now rug of a bright, brilliant green. Mr. and i Mrs. Jones camo to call, and were loud ■ in their praise of it. The' next morning little Johnnie ; Jones, nine years old, appeared at the J Robinsons’ front door and asked to i see the new rug. Rather bewildered, hut nevertheless flattered thlat so small a boy should desire to admire her new possession, Mrs. Robinson led him into the front room. Johnnie Jone's thrust his hands into his pockets, gravely walked about the room and critically surveyed the green covering. “Huh!” ho finally grunted, f< it don’t make me feel ill!” <s><£«> Two of Them. Mrs. Nexdorc: “My daughter plays the piano. Perhaps you’ve heard her?” Mrs. Ncwdore (with great self-res-traint): “I’ve heard the piano.” : “Yes, my daughter Mary is very I musical. ” , “Ah! You have two daughters, • then?” «><?>s> One Way. The inspector was trying to demonstrate a simple experiment in the generation of steam. * “What have lin my hand?” he asked. “A tin can,” came the answer. “Is the can an animate or an inanimate object?” I “Inanimate.” ' ■ “Exactly. Now can anyone tell me how, with this can, it is possible to generate a surprising amount of speed and power almost beyond control?” One bov raised his hand 1 “Well?” * “Tie it to a dog’s tail.” <s> ’<•><» Spellbound. ; Mrs Dooley had not had much of an education, but she did her best to hide ] the deficiency. ■, “Will you sign your name here?” asked the solicitor, whom Mrs Dooley , had asked to draw up a deed when j transferring some property to hor , daughter. “You sign it yourself, and I’ll mako me mark,” said the old woman. “Since me eyes gave out I’m not able to write a word. ’ ’ “How do you spell it?” ho asked. “With or without an “Spell it whatever way ye plnzo, • young man,” said Mrs Dooley. 1 “Shure since I lost me teeth there’s ■ not a word I can spell. ’ ’