Humor.

Wairarapa Standard, Volume XX, Issue XX, 6 May 1887, Page 2 (Supplement)

Humor.

Bill Nyo. Elisha B. Wherry. Battle Brook, writes aa follows: •• 1 am hardly 27 years old, and yet I am almost entirely bald. I have recently read in the Popular Sriftioe Mon'hUj that baldness is very largely on the increase, and that by actual count fully 30 per cent. id the men. even at a concert or tragedy, arc more or less bald. This number i« largely increased, it is said, when the play gels more dash and spirit in it, and the leading lady throws aside all reserve. “The Popular Srimrf Month! i/ say« that by actual count there were present at Trinity Church, Boston, recently, 213 men. of whom 71 were actually bald and 4•> with strong indications of baldness; Kings Chapel. S3 men, of whom, 30 were actually and hopelessly bald, and 14 on probation ; Hollis-sireet Theatre orchestra, ‘ Mikado performance. t>3 men —27 badly bald and 10 who thought they could still be bald or let it alone ; Boston Tneat re. .Indie, 12H men. of whom 7i! were actually ba'd and 43 apprentices. This writer also says that baldness is most plentiful in New York and Boston. Next I’hiliidetpliin and Washington, after which come Chicago and the Western cities. Can y.m tell me the cause of ba'dness ai d your theory ns to its wonderful prevalence ? 1 hope you will pardon me for writing you, hut 1 have learned casually that you sometimes dabbled in science, also in baldness. I would he glad to know if you have succeeded in linding anything to help your baldness, ns 1 am still young and unmarried. Life is still before mo, and 1 want to go to some one who "ill tell me frankly whether there is still hope for me nr not.” 1 observe, Elisha, that baldness has no doubt been banded down to you from a good way back. You remember the gentleman after whom you were named was that way himself, and that he was sensitive about it. for wlrm the hoodlums of his town followed him and cried out, “ (in up, baldhcad,” he called out a pair of bears and fed them with these children. I have always looked upon this as a mighty inferior style of miracle. While Elisha undoubtedly did ranch to endear him-cif to humanity, and that mode his death seem like a general calamity, I have always said that a baldhcadcd prophet who gie mad ami ted Ihe neighbor.-’ cliildren to his m-nageiic every lime they joked him about his late hair should have worn a wig. Bui In, -s is liable to break out in the molt unlocked fur localities, but T' tbink it is gen rally inherited. I inherited mine, but I have added to it a good dm'. You may not think you have inherited your li iMues-. and yet if you go back seven or i ,o it generations and exhume your ancestors, vim will linil that thev are, in most cases, totally bald. I have tried sevi ral preparations in my lifetime, all of which were good for baldness and as-isted it very much. These remedies for the hairless are deemed to resemble each other in two particulars, namely: They were ail ixpensive, and all sticky. Some smelled offensively when lirsl applied, while ot tiers were more successful after awhile. For several years I dressed veiy plainly, E.isha. using the balance of jny income on the site of my former hair. As a result of (his. my bosom alternately hove with anticipation or fell with disappointment, while my bangs remained unhung and my bat seemed like a volcanic eruption. Various people came to me with recipes for wooing the hair out of my glossy intellectual rink. Among them here came to me a gentleman from England named Macroslie. who claimed to have been royal taxidermist for nine years, after which he had acted as ehiropodnt extraordinary for several years, removing unicorns from the great and small. He sai I that he could grow a waving eroji of tresses on my bleak and barren brow for live pounds. Ho now has the live pounds and 1 still retain my broad sweep of brow. 1 cannot tell how you ran embower your tall sleek fiu'i-head in rank, wind-tossed hair, Elisha, but 1 can tell you how you can save tint'. Take your hair invigorator money and buy a town lot in a growing town that supports its home paper and advertises and goes ahead ami you will tind in twenty years you will lie well tixed. and a man who is well fixed don't care much whether he has any hair m not. I've seen men with lohg. i:eh. wavy hair, which fell in a ghuiou- shower of dandruff on the collar of their overcoats, who were just as unhappy a-, you or I, Elisha. Hairalune cannot bring happiir s-. I once knew a man who was very successful, indeed, and was dually made po-lma-ter id Ins town, and be had whiskers that he had to billion inside Ids coal to keep them from brushing other people's eyes out, and he hud hair to sell, and yet when there cam" a change of administration. and a new President who hadn't an uhuo uialrv to lay his jaws to came along, this hairy man was almost (he lirst to fall. A wealth of hair is a good thing, but the head was not made -i.lt ly as a hot-bed for the propagation of hair. Baldness is one of the penalties of civilization, Elisha. Baibaviaus are never bald. People who sleep in straw-piles and eat their pastor always have all the hair they can manage. Those who go bareheaded for generations and live on grasshoppers and acorns are never bald. Plug hat-, late suppers and earnest thought are hard on the hair. I say this to comfort you. Elisha, tor I am married and do not care.

Mr. Clepmore editor of the Itaihj Bln l ' II 'in;!, went tishing one Sunday and broke his leg. The liev. Mr. Gidfelt heard of the accident, and in his sundae evening sermon said ; " Here we have a striking example of the retribution following the violation of the Sabbath. If Clepmore had been at church he would not have broken his leg.” The following Sunday, as the Her. Hr. Gidfelt was a-eending the steps of the pulpit, he stepped on a piece of orange peeldropped by a child of the Sunday school, slipped, fell and broke his log. The next issue of the Him MV";/ contained the following : " Here wc have a striking example of the retribution hollowing self appointed censorship. If the Kev. Mr. Gidfelt had been fishing he would not have broken his leg."

A colored domestic, who had boon using his employer's blacking, said : I’kiss, our blackin' am done out.” “ What do you mcanl” growled the sordid employer; “everything belongs to me. I want you to understand that nothing belongs to you.” The terrified darkey promised to comply with the request. <>n the following .Sunday the boss happened to meet the colored menial, accompanied by a chocolate-colored female pushing a baby-carriage. " Was that your baby in that carriage”’ he asked next day, quite a number of bii friends being present. No. boss, dats not my cbile ; dat is yur# chile. I'se nebber gwine to say nuffin belongs to me no moab.”

As Pat and Tim one wintry day Stood by the river side, A box came boating on tbe stream, Which Pal at onee espied. Savs lie to Tim, ** \ e see that box? What would ye lake— come, say— To leap in there and bring it out t'pou this freezing day? Just then an icy blast struck Jim That set trim all a shak.'. lie rixed ho .yes upon the stream, And unio I*al he spake: .. What wud I mke i,, tape in there, AV a I I i he- e Irnnds lay howld fieri tiox a 1 bring it itntf 'lie jabeis, I'd take Cowld| M