Wise and Otherwise.

Waipa Post, Volume VIII, Issue 354, 2 October 1914, Page 1

Wise and Otherwise.

Flippant Cockney (to countryman): “Are there many fools in this part of the world, my lad.” “Yokel: Not aa some like?” * * * # *. Brown (impatiently): “Why don’t you marry that girl? She is a real pearl.” Jones (darkly): “That may be, but I don’t like ‘mother-of-pearl.’ ” ***** Marks: “Say, old man, did I ever tell you about the awful fright I got on my wedding day?” Parks-: “S-sh-h! No man should speak that wav of his wife !” ***** “What brought you here?” asked the prison chaplain. “Youth,” said the convict, sadly. “Youth?. Why you look quite fifty.” “Not my youth, sir: my lawyer’s.” * * * * * “What started the riot at the performance of ‘Hamlet’ last night ?” “Why, Hamlet held lire skull and said, ‘Alas! poor Yorick! Ton are not the only deadhead in the house.’ ” a * * Wife: “You wore late last night.” Hub: “Beg pardon, my dear. As I came in the door the clock struck eleven.” Wife: “But wliat time did you arrive at the'head of the stairs?” • * *. “Are your neighbours gossipy?” asked Billings. “Somo of them must be,” answered Gittings, “judging by the amount of information about them that my wife reports to ,me.” * * * She (concerned about her mother’s health) : “Don’t you think mother should have a change? I don’t like her looks at present.” The Brute (heartily) : “I never did.” * * * She: “They held a mirror over her face to see if she was alive. I don’t understand that.” He: “Why, you see, if she was alive she’d open her eyes and look in it.” « * * “Has Willie Giggs a responsible position?” asked one girl. “Yes, replied the other, “in one way. Every time his employer rings a bell he’s expected to respond.” “I can’t understand it.” “What?” “In winter-time my husband can’t get tiome to supper before 10 o’clock, but in summer he’s always at the cricket ground at seven.” * * * * * Miss Passe (hopelessly): “No, I don’t think that I can ever learn to ride a bicycle.” Miss Up-to-date; “Oh, nonsense! Cato learnt Greek at 80, so don’t be discouraged.” ***** “What’re ye cornin’ home with your milk-pail empty for?” demanded the farmer. “Didn’t the old cow give anything?” “Yess,” replied his boy; “nine quarts and one kick.” * * * * *

Lruide (taking a party round a big college) : “And this is the examination room.” One of the Party: “Why, it smells like a churchyard.” Guide: “Yes; many hopes lie buried here.” # # * * * “I hear you actually encourage your boy to send poetry to the magazines. Do you want our son to become a poet?”, “No; I merely want him to get the conceit knocked out of him.” * # * * * “Were you nervous when you proposed to your wife?” asked the sentimental person. “No,” replied Mr. Meek, 'but if i could have foreseen tne next ten years 3. would have been.” .. * * ¥ ' '3 “English is a funny language, after all.” "Why so?' “I he.axl a man talking of a political candidate the other day say: ‘lf he only takes this stand when he runs, he’ll have a walkover.’ ” « * * * » Old Lady (who sleeps badly): “Now, Mary, if I should want to light my candle, are the matches there?” Mary; “Yes, ma’am, there’s one.” Old Lady: “One! Why, if it misses fire, or won’t light?” Mary: ‘Oh, no fear of that, ma’am. Sure I tried it!”