WISE AND OTHERWISE.

Waipa Post, Volume VII, Issue 343, 25 August 1914, Page 1

WISE AND OTHERWISE.

Canvasser: Are you the head of tha house"? Husband: Sh-h-h 1 Don't speak so loud! I am. .»'.:• # • l Pa, what is artistic temperament? Foolishness that has succeeded in fretting itself taken seriously. • * B * • Ellis: Miss Ballad has a remarkably sweet voice. Warburton: She ought to have; it has cost me about sixty pounds of chocolate in the last six months. •*■ • * Darn the luck! Somebody gave my daughter a steamer trunk. Why are you kicking about that? Now she wants me to give her a trip abroad. Tommy: This paper says if you smoke cigarettes it changes your com. plexion. Willie: That's right. I'm always "tanned" when I'm caught smoking them. % . 9 * .#.#»,

Mr. Blinks (in art museum): J didn't know you wese such an admirer of curios. Mrs. Blunderby. Mrs. Blunderby: Oh, yes, indeed, I just delight in iniquities. '#* • • •

Customer (to shopkeeper) : -Have you got any eggs that you can guarantee to me that there are no chickens in ? Shopkeeper (pausing for a moment) : Yes, sir; duck eggs. *** a ' «

Have you spoken of our love to youi mother yet ? Not yet, murmured the dear girl. Mother has noticed that I have been queer of late, but she thinks it's biliousness. • * * •-,':•

Teacher: Now, remember, Nellie, that anything you can "see through is transparent. Can you name something that is transparent ? Small Nellie : Yes, ma'am. A-keyhole. # * * »' ■ •

Willy: A spinster at our boardinghouse found a man under her bed! Nilly: With a revolver and burglar's kit, I suppose? Willy: No, with a hose and vacuum cleaner. • • * » • •

Servant: If I might make so bold as to suggest, sir Irish Master (irritably) : We want none of your suggestions; we want nothing from you but silence, and not much of that. * * * * ■.'.'.- « .

Chpllie: I suppose that star turn is awfully,pleased about getting all those bouquets? Doorkeeper: No, she's very cross. * Chollie: Very cross: Why, she got five fine bouquets. Doorkeeper : Yes, I know; she paid for six. * » # * »

My future mother-in-law a bit too careful. So that my fiancee shall know what to buy after we ,are married, she takes us both with her to market every morning. Well, but what use are you? Oh, I pay. * * * **'

Ma, has your tongue got legs? Got what, child ? Got legs, ma ? Certainly not.'But why do you ask that question? Oh, nothing; only I heard pa say that your tongue was running from morning till night. m * * * *

Mrs. Henpeck: I'm positive that our George is thinking seriously of matrimony. Mr. Henpeck j Well, I hope so. I wouldn't care for any boy of mine to be so unfortunate as to regard it ?s a joke. | : '. * * » * ;•..•■"*

Of course, said the optimist, if a man'gets into the habit "of huntingtrouble, he's sure to find it. Yes, replied the pessimist; and if he's so lazy that he always tries to avoid it it wit) find him. So what's the difference? * # • * * '. •••

Gentleman (who had picked up a sovereign, to tr.amp, who claims it): But how can you prove that it belongs to you? Tramp: Why, guv'nor, you can see for yourself I've got a hole in my pocfcei. * * * •* * ,

My dear, asked 'Mrs. Gatwick of her eldest daughter who was reading war news aloud, why don't.you finish that' account of the battle? Why, it's so stupid. It says every man in the whole battalion was engaged. How can you expect me to be interested?