IN LIGHTER VEIN

Waipawa Mail, Volume LXVI, Issue 65, 18 February 1938, Page 1

IN LIGHTER VEIN

HUMOR OF THE MOMENT SHE DIDN’T KNOW. The boxer’s young wife was lis-tening-in to a radio commentary on her husband’s fight. “Ah!” exclaimed the commentator, “Jimmy Slogg has just stopped a terrible right with his jaw!” 11 Bravo, Jim!” breathed Mrs Slogg. “Keep stopping ’em!” WHAT A LARK! A party of London school children was visiting the country for the first time. A lark, hovering above and singing loudly, attracted seven-year-old Harold’s attention. He stood staring at it for some minutes, then ran to the’ teacher in charge. “Please, miss,” he exclaimed, “there’s a sparrer up there, and ’e can’t get up and ’e can’t get down, and ’e ain’t ’arf hollerin’ about it.” “SHIRKING” HIS DUTY. The referee had given a number of dubious decisions against the visiting side, which drew some cat-calls from their small body of supporters. Stopping the game, the referee argued back heatedly. “Keep your shirt on, ref.!” shouted one of the home adherents. “He can’t. It’s already on the home team!” jeered another away follower. SPELLING TEST. “Oh, what a time we had! I just don’t know how I ever came through! First I got angina pectoris, and then pneumonia, followed by arterio sclerosis and phthisis, after which they gave me hypodermics. Then I had barely recovered from these when I got tuberculosis, with appendicitis, followed by tonsillotomy. Yes, indeed, it was the hardest spelling test I’ve ever had.” A QUANDARY. The butler entered her ladyship’s boudoir and coughed awkwardly. “What is it now, James?” she asked, tersely. “It’s his lordship, my lady,” said James nervously. “He’s just sent me a note to say that he’s going oft* on a brief holiday, and he desires me to forward his drawing materials.” “Well, well,” she exclaimed, “isn’t that plain enough?” “Hardly, my lady,” replied James. “I don’t know whether to send his paints and brushes or a couple of corkscrews.” CHECKED! The pretty young helper was deputed by the vicar to approach the wealthy land-owner for a subscription. She returned, smiling, to the vicar, and handing him a cheque, said: “Oh I. got on splendidly with the old gentleman. Look, lie’s given me a cheque for £100.” The vicar was delighted, took the cheque, and after looking at it said: “But—but the signature is cut away. ’ ’ “Oil, yes,” said the girl; “I collect autographs, and I cut it out to put in my book.” ' ANSWER FROM ABOVE. Proprietor (showing a party of ladies through his eight-storey factory) : “Yes, this is a high building, but to show you how easily we can communicate from one department to the other, I will whistle up this tube to the foreman of the top floor.” (Blows through pipe). “Now, Miss Slimbelle, just place your ear here and listen to the response.” Top-floor Foreman (who has recently been pestered with false calls from the office boy): “Ye ill-man-nered slip of a monkey, if ye do that again I’ll come right down and spank the life out of ye.” NOT UNDERSTOOD. The members of a football team were seated in a train on their way to an away match. Ten of them were reading, when suddenly the eleventh broke out into deep and awful groans. The rest of the team looked at him anxiously, and one of them forced a flask of brandy between his teeth. “How do you feel, now?” he asked. “Fine,” said the invalid. “What was the matter, anyway?” “Matter! Why, nothing. What should be the matter?” “Then why were you groaning?” asked the owner of the brandy. “Groaning? I wasn’t groaning. I Avas singing.” AN ANXIOUS TIME. Tom paced up and down, in a fever of anxiety. What a dreadful thing Availing is, he reflected, Avhen one could do nothing but Avait. Dear Joan, he thought, with a rush of feeling, Avhat pluck women had. It seemed unfair that she should face the business alone. Still, after all, she had wanted it as much as he had. One thing—we shan’t be going out so much, he thought, so we shall save money that Avay. When he had left for work that morning she had told him to-day was the day they had both been waiting for. How cheerful she had been, too, and full of confidence when she had said: “Don’t worry, darling. This is a AA'oman’s job.” He listened anxiously. What was that noise? Hurrying to the front door, he flung it open. “Did you get it?” he asked his wife, who was just emerging from the car. looking very dishevelled. “I beat everyone to it,” she cried, and pointed triumphantly to the brand-new wireless set, latest shortwave, offered at half-price for one day only*

GETTING WORSE. A short-sighted old man went to choose a pair of spectacles. “These glasses,” he said, “are not strong enough for me.” “But, sir, they are No. 2,” replied the assistant. “What is next to No. 2?” “No. 1.” “And after that?” “After No. 1, sir, you will want a dog. ’ ’ QUITE EASY. Widow: I’d like you to paint my late, husband’s portrait from this photograph. And do you think you could remove that nasty old bowler hat? Artist: Certainly, madam. At which side did your husband part his hair? Widow (hesitating'): Oh, let me see, I really don’t remember. But there, you’ll see when you take his hat off. FOLLOWED THE CAT. Nuwedd, a newcomer to the suburb, looked dazed and weary. His neighbor inquired the reason. “My wife,” said Nuwedd hoarsely. “She told me to take our old tomcat and lose it, so I put the beastly thing in a basket and tramped into the country for about six miles. ’ ’ He paused for breath. “Well,” put in the neighbor, “did you lose it?” “Lose it!” gasped Nuwedd. “If I had not followed it I should never have found my way home!” SUSPECT. Jack was home on his first leave fiom the Navy, and his old father was admiring his uniform. “What I can’t understand,” said the old man, after a moment, “is why they make the trousers so wide at the bottom.” “Oh,” explained Jack, “that’s so we can roll them up quickly.” “Well, you’re no son of mine,” the old man warned him, “if you fight with your feet. It’s your jacket sleeves that ought to he wide at the bottom!” BUSINESS INSTINCT. “You will observe,” said the schoolmaster, “that the higher the altitude, the colder the temperature becomes.' ’ “But isn’t it warmer up in the mountains?” asked the boy at the bottom of the class, the son of the local ironmongc:. “Certainly not,” replied the master. “why do you think it would be warmer there ?’ ’ “I thought,” answered the youngster, “that the atmosphere was heated by the mountain ranges.” BETTER THAN NOTHING. In an Irish Court an old man was once called into the witness-box. He was nearly blind, and mistook the stops that led into the witness-box; instead he mounted those that led up to the Bench. The Judge smiled at the' mistake and asked him jocularly: “Is it a Judge you want to he, my good man?” “Ah, faith, thin, your Honor,” was the reply, “I am an ould man now and maybe it is all I’m fit for.”