IN LIGHTER VEIN.

Waipawa Mail, Volume LXV, Issue 6, 23 July 1937, Page 4

IN LIGHTER VEIN.

HUMOR OF THE MOMENT

CLEANED OUT. “Bring in the oysters I told you to open,” said the head of the household, growing impatient. “There they are,” replied the new housemaid proudly. “It took me a long time to clean them, but I have done it at last, and thrown all the insides away.” EFFECT OF WHISKY. A Scotch minister went into a barber’s shop to get a shave. The barber, unfortunately, was addicted to the use of whisky, and his hand that day shook so much that a gash was made in the minister’s cheek. “Ah, Jock,” cried the minister, “it’s a terrible thing, that whisky.” To which the barber replied: “Ay, sir, it mak’s the skin unco’ tender.” SHORT AND SWEET. A politician had been asked to speak at a meeting, but was placed last on a long list of speakers. The audience was tired out when at last, the chairman announced: “Mr Smythe will now give ns his ad“My address,” said Mr Smythe, rising, “is 13 Paradise street, and I wish you all good night!” SCOTTISH CAUTION. Sandy went into a chemist’s shop and asked the owner if he would let him have an empty bottle. ‘ ‘ Certainly, said the chemist, “but it will cost you a penny. I tell you what, though, ”he added, as the Scot’s face fell, “if you will have something in the bottle, I’ll let you off the penny.” “Aye, that’s fair enough,” replied Sandy. “Just put the cork in It.”

LARGE PEAS. Dad and mum were spending a few days in London. One evening they dined at an expensive restaurant. As soon as they were seated, a large tray of olives was placed on the table. Dad eyed them seriously for a few minutes, then beckoned to the waiter. “I don’t want to give you any trouble,’’ he said, ‘‘but I’d like to see the pods those green peas grew in.” A GOOD EXCUSE. A mother was very much put out beeanse the teacher insisted on a written excuse explaining her son’s absence from school following a severe snowstorm. Whereupon the mother sat down and dashed off the following note:— “Dear Miss Kitty: Little Eddie’s legs are 14 inches long; the snow was 18 inches deep. Very truly yours, Mrs Johnson.” SERVICE. The motorist had just bought a tankful of gasoline, and the station attendant was going through his little ritual. Attendant: Check your oil, sir? Motorist: No, it’s O.K. Attendant: Got enough water in your radiator? Motorist: Yes, filled up. Attendant: Anything else, sir? Motorist: Yes, would you please stick your tongue out so that I can seal this letter. NECESSARY PRECAUTION. The cashier of a cinema was selling tickets as a friend looked on. A customer asked for a shilling seat, put down half a crown, and walked away, leaving the change. “Does that happen often?” asked the cashier’s friend. “Pretty often.” “AVhat do you do in a case like that?” “Oh, I always rap on the window with a sponge.” FELLOW FEELING. A new neighbor was paying her first visit to a suburban housewife, and was intent upon creating an impression. “Oh,” she said, “and my husband, you know, plays the organ.” “Really? How sad!” her hostess replied; sympathetically. 1 ‘ Although if things don’t improve my husband will have to get one, too.” THIN BUT WEIGHTY. ‘ ‘ Wanted—an expert carver, ’ ’ read the advertisement. “Only those used to first-class restaurant work need apply.” To the man who asked for the job, the manager said, “Well, what are your qualifications?” “I have only one, sir,” replied the other, cheerfully. “At my last place I cut the meat so thin that when the door opened the draught blew the meat off the plates.” “You’re engaged,” said the manager. THE HAPPY MEAN. A couple of painters, employed on decorating the exterior of a Yorkshire public house, were given a pint of beer each day by the landlord over their dinner. Ther host asked them how they liked the liquor, and was told that it was “Just right.” “What dq you mean by ‘just right’?” he demanded. “Eh,” replied one of the men, “if it had bin any better tha wouldn’t ha’ gi’en it us, an’ if it had bin any worse we couldn’t ha’ supped it.” H2O. “What’s the formula for water, Jones?” asked the master. “H I J K L M N O,” spelled out the scholar. “What’s that?” barked the master. The scholar slowly repeated the letters. “Whatever are you driving at?” said the master. “What gave you that idea?” “You, sir,” said Jones. “You said yesterday it was H to O.” GIVE AND TAKE. As a crowded tram came to a standstill in a Dublin street a rheumatic woman, making an effort, to reach the door, was held back by pain and resumed her seat. As the tram continued its journey the conductor remarked: “Hi, missus, if you had a bit of yeast in you, you would rise quicker. ’ ’ At the next stop the woman reached the door and, bidding the conductor “Good-morning,” added, “An’ if you had a bit of yeast in you, you’d be better bred.”