IN LIGHTER VEIN.

Waipawa Mail, Volume LIV, Issue 28, 18 November 1932, Page 1

IN LIGHTER VEIN.

HUMOR OF THE MOMENT. A QUESTION OF ARITHMETIC. With natural pedagogic pessimism the mathematics master was bemoaning the prospective fate of the class in the forthcoming examination. He impressed upon them that they stood not the slightest chance of passing in this particular subject. “The maths’ papers,’’ he concluded, ‘ ‘ are made 10 per cent, harder every year.” A stage whisper broke the silence that followed. “Now we know why he got through it.” BREAKING IT GENTLY. Murphy had been careless with the blasting powder in the quarry and Duffy had been delegated to break the news gently to the widow. “Mrs Murphy,” said he, “isn’t it to-day the fellow calls for the payment of Murphy’s life insurance?” “It is,” answered Mrs Murphy. “Well, now, a word in your ear,” said Duffy. “Sure ye can snap your lingers at the fellow to-day.” ALSO RAN. The husband was leaving for the races, and his not very long wedded wife was giving him some last instructions. “You’ll back that nice-looking horse we saw on our honeymoon, dear? That aristocratic-looking one. I’m sure he ought to win.” “Yeß, pet, replied th'e adoring husband, as he kissed her good-bye. At 6 p.m. he returned. “Well, and how did the aristocratic one get on?” inquired the wife eagerly. “Like so many aristocrats. He was the last of his race.” THE ONLY ONE. When Muriel obtained a temporary situation at a seaside town all her fair friends envied her. After a month she came back looking tanned, but not pleased. “Hullo, Muriel 1” cried someone on her return home. “Did you enjoy yourself? How many nice boys did you see?” “One!” snapped Muriel. “Only one?” echoed her friend, amazed. “Yes,” growled Muriel, “and that one was two miles out at sea, with a bell and a lamp on it.” SOME SPEED. The guard of the very slow country train came lumbering along the corridor. Presently he stopped outside a first-class compartment. “Pardon me,” he said to the solitary passenger, “but I’ve got some bad news for you.” “Oh, and what has happened?” inquired the passenger, looking rather startled. “We’ve just heard that Topworth station, where you were to get off, has been burnt to the ground,” the guard replied solemnly.

“H’m!” murmured the passenger, quite unconcerned. ‘ 1 That ’ll be quite all right. They will have rebuilt it by the time this confounded train gets there! ” A BIG “BUT.” When supper was served, Helen refused a second helping of ice-cream with a polite but wistful, “No, thank you!’ ’ “Do have some more, dear!” her hostess urged. “Mother told me to say, ‘No, thank you,’ ” Helen replied naively, “but I don’t think she could have known how small the first helping was going to be!” MAKING THINGS SAFE. Tired Tim, the tramp, knocked on the door of the country cottage. “Morning, lady!” he said to the cottager. “Do you want to buy anything in my line?” “Your line?” echoed the woman. “You don’t mean to tell me that you are trying to earn an honest living at last?” “Yes, lady,” said the tramp. “What are you selling?” she asked him. “Dog chains,” came the reply. MIS-READ. Mrs Nuwed was making her first attempt at cookery before the admiring eyes of her young husband. “The book says ‘Boat the white of eggs till stiff,” she said. “I think they must be done now.” “Why, are they stiff?” asked hubby. “No, but I am,” she replied. THE DRAW. Little Johnny proudly brought his slate to his father to show him a drawing on it. “What’s it supposed to be?” asked the puzzled parent. Johnny looked hurt. “Why, dad, you can see all right! It’s a train,” he said. Father smiled. “But you haven’t drawn the carriages,” he put in. “Of course not, dad!” said the boy brightly. “The engine does that.” IN DETAIL. Mary had received a love letter from her sweetheart. “Listen to what he says,” she told her friend. “Dearest,” I think of you all day. Your naturally wavy hair, your blue-greyish eyes, your slightly prominent cheek bones, your two darling dimples, your small nose, your 24in. waist, your ” “Here, wait a minute,” interrupted her friend, “that’s rather queer stuff to put in a love letter, isn’t it ? ” Mary laughed. “Oh, didn’t you know?” she said. “Jack's something to do with the police; he writes those descriptions of missing people.” NOT CATCHING. The fielding side in the local cricket match had dropped several “sitters,” and their opponents’ score was

mounting rapidly. During the change over a fielder sadly remarked to his captain: “A regular epidemic!” “Yes,” replied the skipper, “but it isn’t catching.” HARD ON CUPS. Husband: Anything to bring home, dear? The Bride: Yes, some more cups. I’ve used ours all up. Husband: How? The Bride: Well, the cookery book says any old cup without a handle will do for measuring, and it has taken all we’ve got to get the handle off without breaking the cup! THE RETORT COURTEOUS. The honeymooners were driving through the country when they met a farmer leading a mule. Just as they were about to pass, the animal turned towards the motor car and brayed vociferously. The bridegroom, in a teasing way, turned to his wife and remarked: 11 Relative of yours ?’ ’ “Yes,” she.said, sweetly, “by marriage. ’ ’ SUCH A PITY. Auntie and her young nephew were watching a school cricket match. The boy w r as explaining the game to the best of his ability. “Look, auntie,” he said, “that’s Jones bowling now. In the last match he took three wickets for six.” “Did he really?'’ she replied, with genuine sympathy. ‘ ‘ What a pity his sight is so bad! ’ ’ SO TIRED. A baker’s van man, on returning to his van after delivering some bread at the house of a customer, found a tired-looking man standing with one hand on a wheel of the vehicle. “What are you doing there?” said the van man. Wearily the man held up a match, but did not speak. “Tell me what you want, please!” demanded th baker’s man. Then, with an effort which told of unutterable weariness, the other answered, “I was only waiting till the van went on so that the match would strike.” A WART HOG. A man went to a solicitor and said he wanted to bring a case against a man who had called him a wart hog 10 years ago! The solicitor inquired when he had waited so lofig. “Well,” said the man, “I saw a wart hog for the first time only yesterday!” PLUCKING THE RABBIT.

“I’ll have dinner ready punctually at seven o’clock, dear,” said the newly-married wife, “so don’t be late.”

The husband promised, kissed her, and departed. On the stroke of seven o’clock the husband put his key into the door and entered. He found his wife in tears. “My dear,” he exclaimed, “what is the matter?” “Ted,” she sobbed, “I’m afraid dinner will be simply too late to have at all! I’ve been plucking this rabbit for two hours, and it’s not done yet! ’ ’ TOO CLEVER. It was the first vaudeville performance a certain old lady had ever been to, and she was particularly excited over the marvellous feats of the magician. But when he covered a newspaper with a heavy flannel cloth and read the print through it she grew a little nervous. He then doubled the cloth and again read the letters accurately. This was more than she could stand and, rising in her seat, she said: “I’m going home. This isn’t a place for a lady in a thin cotton dress. ’ ’ HE STOOD A LOT. Percival had heard the call of the open spaces and had thrown up an easy job to set sail for the wild west. Arrived in the country of he-men, he found himself comfortable quarters on a farm, and prepared to enjoy the simple life. Percival's first task was given him a day or two later. He was assigned to one end of a erosscut-saw, the other end being in charge of an old and experienced lumberman. At the end of an hour the veteran stopped sawing and looked at his exhausted partner. “Sonny,” he said, “I don’t mind you riding on this saw, but if it’s all the same to you, I wish you’d quit scrapin’ your feet along the ground.” WHY THEY DISMISSED HIM. Brown: What has become of your new barber?

Proprietor: Well, although he was a splendid shaver and haircutter, we had to let him go; he didn’t understand the business properly. Brown: What did he do ? Proprietor: He forgot to say to a bald-headed customer that his hair needed trimming to-day. GRANNIE IS. Mummie w r as listening to little Dennis saying his prayers, while grannie sat knitting. Towards the end of his prayers mummy was surprised to hear her little son raise his voice and positively roar: “And please can I have a motor car for my birthday?” “But, darling,” she protested, “God isn’t deaf!” “No!” answered the little chap serenely, “but grannie is!” THE NEXT MOVE. He was a nov”™ ■“ 11 - ■“ golf. He teed h:s ball and taking a vicious swing, sliced to such an extent that the ball struck a tree and came back. The player caught it as it was bounding back. “What shall I do now?” he asked his opponent.

“Tee it up, hit it again, and then put your hands in your pockets,” was the reply. INGENIOUS. The chemist had left his counter in charge of a youthful assistant. The young man, being of a highly ingenious tum of mind, it was not without some inward trepidation that the chemist learned upon his return that the assistant had been confronted in the interval with the case of a man who failed to get the better of an argument with a steam roller. “What on earth did you do?” gasped the chemist. “Gave him nerve tonic,” was the reply. “Nerve tonic? Why that, in the name of goodness?” “Run down and depressed,” was the reply. PLAIN ENOUGH. Little Betty was reading a letter replying to her mother’s application for boardinghouse accommodation at the seaside. Presently she looked up. “Mum,” she said, “why do boardinghouse keepers object to children ? ’ ’ “I’m sure I don’t know, dear,” replied mother, “and I’m much too busy now to worry about it. Go and see what baby is crying about. Tell Gerald to stop shooting peas at people in the street. Make Dick stop quarreling with Peggy. Tell Johnny if he doesn’t stop blow’ing that trumpet I shall take it away from him.”