MY COMICAL CUSTOMERS.

Waipawa Mail, Volume XXXVIII, Issue 8513, 5 August 1921, Page 5 (Supplement)

MY COMICAL CUSTOMERS.

(By a Post Office Counter Clerk.)

In the town where I was first employed as a post office clerk there were several boarding-schools, and often a mistress from one of them would bring in several savings-bank books belonging to the scholars. One day a woman of severe aspect entered the office, handed me thirteen books, and said, “Three shillings on each.” Thinking to save myself trouble by writing the school address first and “ditto” to all the others, I inquired bladly, “Is it a school?”

“What!” shrieked the irate woman. “Do you mean to insult me? Let me tell you they are all my own children!”

On another occasion 1 had given a man a half-sovereign in his change. Then I turned to attend to someone else. W r hen the second transaction was completed, I was horrified to hear the first may say I had made a mistake and given him too little by ten shillings. HIS RECORD PUP. My heart went into my boots, for I knew I had given him the right money, although some of it had disappeared mysteriously. We searched inside and outside the counter, carefully turning over every atom of dirty stamp-edging, torn envelopes, and other fragments of waste stationery. I was in a state of agitation, fearing he would insist upon my giving him another coin in its place.

I did not suggest parting with any more money, and the man said he would call later to see if the missing gold had turned up. Early the next morning he put in an appearance and told me that when going to bed the previous night the truant gold piece had fallen out of his turned up trouser-leg. My heart resumed its normal position. A few days later, a man of different type came blustering into the office. He wanted to see the Post-master-General at once, and in the same breath declared that if we thought he was a dog-breeder, he would have us know he was nothing of the sort, but the manager of a large ironworks. He inquired what we meant by delivering such a wire as the one he flourished in his hand. The bewildered clerk managed at last to obtain a glimpse of the contents, and read as follows: “Send immediately pup six feet long and two feet wide.” Presumably “pup” should have read “pump.” An elderly woman came to me in great concern and asked if I would give back to her a letter she had posted in a pillar-box two miles away. I told her it was impossible, and inquired why she wanted it. “Oh!” said the old soul, “I've done a dreadful thing. I’ve put the stamp on upside down. Do you think the King will mind?” “CIVIL-EYED BILLY.” A woman came to the counter one day' and in a confidential whisper told mo that Mrs Johnson’s dog Fido was dead. “Oh, yes,” I murmured, not knowing what else to say. The woman was a stanger, and I did not know Mrs Johnson or her dog. Again she leaned forward and in a louder whisper said, “Don’t you understand? Mrs Johnson's dog is dead. She bought a license for him last week, and she wants the money back.” During the war a soldier’s wife came in one morning and the following dialogue took place:—

Soldier’s Wife: “I want one of those new forms, miss.” Clerk: What kind of form? What is it about ” Soldier’s Wife: “I don’t rightly know the name of it. I ain’t no scholard, but it’s something like a ‘civil-eyed Billy' form. Clerk: “Oh, I expect you want a Civil Liabilities form.”

Soldier’s Wife (eagerly): “Yes, that’s it a Civilized Billets’ form.”