WIT AND HUMOR.

Waipawa Mail, Volume XXVIII, Issue 5248, 18 April 1908, Page 6 (Supplement)

WIT AND HUMOR.

The Critic (meaning In her acting) : Do yon ever shed real learn? The Actress-Manager. cbh Sometimes, when I see the box office statement. "How’s your temporuture, old man?" asked the iftock broker’s partner. “Fine for actlvj# speculation,” answered the Invalid. ”It went to 104 live times yesterday, ouch time dropping back to par. Jones : If I lend you a sovereign, bow do I know I bhall get it buck? Drown : Why, on the word of u gentleman. Jones : Well, all right. Come round to-night and bring him with you. , 1 "Professor," Raid a aenlor, trying to bo pathetic at parting, “I ain Indebted to you for all 1 know.” “Proy don’t mention such a trifle," wa» the reply. Higgins : My "vet” was greatly pleased with that horse you sold me. Wiggins : What pleased him about the animal? Higgles : Why, ho discovered twelve new diseases ho never suspected before. Mistress: Did you remember to feed ..be cat every day during my absence? Servant: livery day but one, ma’am. Mistress: And didn’t tho poor thing have anything to eat all day? Servant: ob, yes, ma’am, sno ato the canary. "I went to the opera last night." ’’What did you hear?” “That Mrs Drowning Is going to get a dlvorc", Mrs Ifiggs lias the dearest dog and a new baby, and the Hutton# are going to live In India." Smith: Excuse mo, Jones, but may 11 # *k bow you manage to have such delicious thing# to eat? Jones: It's qulto alrnplo. 1 always kwa the cook before dinner, end hold her on my knee after dinner. Smith: But what does your wife say? Jouea, Ob, she doesn’t object blie# the cook.

Edwin, aged three, who fondled his small cat overmuch and unwisely, appeared before his mother one day. his little face guiltily pained nnd a scratch upon his hand. “Whot happened?” sho aHked. “I bent the Kitty a little,” be said, briefly.

Merchant (entering his office suddenly, to bis clerk) : Ah. caught you this time. Clerk : What do you mean, nlr? I am working, am I not? .. Merchant : Yea. that’s Just It Strong-! to say, you are.

A dentist applied to be admitted a member if an artists’ club. “I’m afraid wo cannot idmit you,” said the president. ’You ixo. f-ou’ro not an artist.” “No, but I draw from •eul life,” was the dentist’s answer.

Overheard In a mllitnry hospital, when tlm sick were being examined. Doctor (to PrlvnlO Jones) : Well, my man, what's the matter with you? Private Jones : Pains In the back, sir. Doctor (handing him a few pills) : Take on# of these a quarter of an hour before you feel the pain coming on.

“Better fiend an inspector to see wbat’a tbo matter with thla man’s meter,” fluid (ha cashier lu tho gaa company’* office to Urn superintendent. “Oh,” began the superintendent, “wo throw complaints about meters—’ “This Is no complaint. Ho sendfl u cheque for tho amount of his bill and says It’s very reasonable.’ “

A landlord, before going to collect his rents, Bent a lad to prepare the tenants for hi# vifllt. On reaching one of tho houses, and finding the boy apparently endeavoring to gain admittance, be asked—“ What 1» tho matter? Is the door bolted?” “No. master,” wus tho quick reply, “but tbo tenant ifi.”

Mary had been sent on nn errand. On rejrntng she suid to ber inlstres»-"Och, la’aiiJ, sliuro, there lias bln a young man foljwlug me.” "Ob, Indeed,” replied her nilsreps, "yea, and, indade, ma’am, l kaow }'* u» following me, because he kep‘ look In uund to sco If I was cornin'.”

A Scotchman went to Loudon for o holiday.' Walking along one of tho streets, bo nolle*-I a bald-noxded chemist at hie shop door, tun! Inquired If bo bad any hair restorer. Y**, sir ” said the chemist. “Step Inside, pleaso. There’s an arttclo I can highly recommend. Testimonials from great men who have used It It makes the hair grow la twenty-four boure.” “A-wcel,” said tho Scot, ‘ye can g o tho top o' your held a bit rub wit, and 1 11 look back the morn and seo If ye ro tel)la the truth.”

Teacher- Johnny, whut causos the water of the sea to be salty? Johnny: The salt that’s lu It. Teacher: Next; Waldo, what cause# tho water of tho sea to bo »alty? Waldo: The •ally quality of sea water, ma am, la due (o the admixture of o sufficient quantity ol chloride of sodium to Impart to the aqueous fluid with which It commingles a saline flavor which is readily recognised by tbe organ!i of taste. Teacher: Correct. Go up bead, Waldo,

When a soldier Is confined to the guardroom for nn offence, a written copy of tho crime Is invariably handed Into the officer In command of tbo guard. A party of men were told oft for n certain “fatigue.” The corporal In charge having given an order, one of the men SS2S (l?Blncl!md to obey. ...d after b.vla. Sharply rebuked him, the former shouted lu mm tones—"lt's n send lob for you, my lad, thnt I can’t spell ‘lnsubordination, or Id lock you up in tbe guardroom sharp.”

An American Judge, who had the reputation of belne u “bon vlvant,” was one day trying a case in which there was a dispute about a •water supply. Having Just partaken of a hourly luncheon, bo began to nod suspiciously during counsel's long-winded argument. Suddenly tho barrister thundered out—“ What we want my Lend, is water!” "Very little in mine,’ please, very little in mine,” cried his Lordship, starting up nnxiously. Several people hud the bad taste to chuckle loudly.

Tt was at tho Saturday night ball in fho Cast End of London. They met at tho seo,ikl dance and sat out and danced alternately, inti), just after midnight, ho resolved to unturden his bosom of » load of care. Iti unny Ethel,” be whispered, tragically, ’but hat glum-looking chap over there by tho conlervatory door 1b a-folerln’ ua wherever vo roes Wot’e Ms little game? Who is c? ’thel looked In the direction Indicated, and mawered nonchalantly. “ 'lm? 0, e s tuo Jloke wot bought me my ticket.”

A very aggressive crusade in favor of fern* poranee has recently boon going on In * Scotttsli city, and a young pbilantrophlst who noa given large sums of money to help the cause, meeting a convert ono afternoon, Inquired how he was* getting along. Tho man kept well back “Ah, Robert,’’ said the gentleman sudly "I'm afraid you’ve been drinking again, I can smell It In your breath. Why not girt It up altogether? You never smell the oflnr of liquor in my breath." "No. sir; I neve did,” wae Robert’s reply: then. In a most anxious tone of voico be added f “What a y« dae for It?’