WIT AND HUMOUR

Waipawa Mail, Volume XIV, Issue 2712, 23 January 1892, Page 3 (Supplement)

WIT AND HUMOUR

Tub question of the hour—“ What time is it?*'

It is when straws are made up into hats that they show which way the wind blows. IfiRST prisoner: ‘\What kind of a time did von have in the police-court this morning ?” Second ditto: “Fine.” Sunn of the actresses do not draw, but all of them paint. Missionary: m I have corns here, brethren, to devote my life to you.” Caunibal Chief : “ All rjght, thanks. But we’ll wait awhile until you are a little fatter.” Siie (after the engagement): “ Oh, but, George, do you drink?” He (surprised aud embarrassed) : “ Well, thank you, 1 don’t care if I do take something.” “ De virtue of some men, dear breddren, an, of a great many women, too, makes me smile. It seems to be like de curl in a pig’s tail —a good deal more for ornament than use,” Practice Makes Perfect.—Neighbour to aged darky): “ Uncle Remus, you carry your age exceedingly well.” Uncle Remus: “Dat’s so, boss; but then, you see, I’se ;been ninety years practisin’ on it.” “ The bulk of auythiug,” said the pedagogue “ may be called the * main part’ of it. Now, James, what is the main part of a horse ?” “ Please, fir, the back of its neck.” Lawyer: “I’m not feeling very well, doctor. Does it make any difference on which BidelßleeDr” Doctor (with a wink): “Well, a good lawyer will lie ou the lef* ; “ Oh, don’t 1 dote upon the sea ?” The maiden cried before she sailed ; Put shortly after one could see Twas for an anti-dote she wailed. A raw country cnap joined the v iunreeia, and on the first parade day his sister came, together with his mother, to see them off. When they were marching past, Jock was out of step. “Look, mither, said his sister, “ they’re a’ oot o’ step but oor Jock.” He Gave Her as Good as She Sent.— Census-taker (to cross-looking old maid) : “How old are you, madame?” Old Maid (angrily): “Three hundred years old.” Censustaker (after glancing at her critically) : “ Well, madame, you look it.” “ Did you see old Skinflint ?” “ Yob, I toll him I had come to ask of him the greatest blessing a man could seek—his daughter’s hand.” “And what did he say?” “He seemed very much pleased Said he was afraid at first I wanted to borrow some money.” “ I wish I’d got a fat face like you. Uncle Bobbleß.* “ Why Tommy ?” “ ’Cos father says I shall never get on without plenty of cheek.”

A nobleman, who had spent much money in adorning his garden with statues, was one day very much chagrined byhearing an old country man say to his wife, “ Jist see, Susan, what a waste ! Here’s nae less than six scarecrows in this wee bit or the garden, while cne of them would keep the crows from a ten-acre field.”

“How do you spell whisky?” asked the veteran member as he paused, pencil in air, in the midst of his narrrtive of how he discovered that forbidden article among the hospital patients. “ W-h-i-s-ic-y, without the 4 e,’ ” promptly responded the secretary ; aud, thinking to confuse the veteran member, he added, “ How do you drink it ?” “ With e’s,” quietly drawled the veteran.

A clergyman in Bngland, pleading earnestly with his parishioners for foe construction of a cemetery in their parish, asked them to consider the “ deplorable condition of thirty thousand Englishmen living without Christian burial.” The same cleric was asked when he expected to meet his churchwarden. “ Never again,” he solemnly replied, “ Our friend is in heaven.”

“ Doctor,” said a fashionable belle, “ what do you think of tight lacing?” The doctor solemnly replied, “ Madam, all I can say is that the more a woman’s waist is shaped like au hour-glass, the sooner will her sands of life run out.” HEP, CHOICE. “ I wouldn’t marry the best man on earth,” she said, vigorously, with a touch of malice in her tones. “ And why not ?” inquired her companion. “ Because”—-and she smiled—“ I wouldn’t know what to do with him. One that isn’t quite so good would suit me better, I think.” ASKING TOO MUCH. Dealer: “This picture represents David killing Goliath.” Customer: “ But where’s Goliath?” Dealer: “ He’s on a separate picture. We give both of them at thirty-6even cents. You can’t expect the whole business on a twentycent picture.” TO A MOSQUITO. Little tyrant unrelenting, Never thinking but of gore, Never ceasing nor repenting, Ever, ever seeking more. Flitting artlessly around me With an unconcerned air. And at last when you have found me, Clinging mercilessly there. When the sun descends foou’rt in it; Creature unsurpassed for gall, Then thy nerve is just infinite. Valiant, ’vengeful vampire small, Taste the choicest blood around thee, But beware —squash—O my ear ! Scot’s alive, I’ve missed. Confound thee. What on earth’s thy mission here ?

The following conversation is reported !to have occurred between a British tourist steamboat pilot : “That is the Black Mountain ?” “ Yes, sir—the highest mountain above Lake George.” “ Any story or legend connected with that mountain ?*' “Lots of ’em. Two lovers went up to that mountain once, and never came back again.” “Indeed. Why ? What became of them?” “Went down on the other side.”

Why should all limited companies be lucky? Because they are always born with a call.

Wife : “I am going to economise in our household, George.” Husband : “ Why, you prudent little soul, how ?” “I am going to discharge our servant, and get an older person.” “ Well, that will be no good ; the older one will demand just as much wages.” Wife (looking at him straight) : “ Very likely, Mr. Brown, but you won’t need to give her half-crowns, and what kisses you want you may have from me—me, sir.” Warranted ! —House Hunter : “ I may be wrong, of course, but it looks to me ae if there was something the matter with the roof—as if it leaked.” Builder : “ Leak ! that root leak !—so’thing wrong with that roof ! Why, it's warranted, and I guarantee if the ’ole ’ouse come daown, that roof’d be none the

Where They go.—“ Johnny,” said the minister, severely, “do you know where little boys who swim on Sunday go ?” “ Oh, roost any place where they ain’t likely to be no wiuuuen passin’,” was Johnny’s reply.