HUMOUR GLEAMINGS.

Wairoa Bell, Volume XXXI, Issue 215, 11 January 1918, Page 3 (Supplement)

HUMOUR GLEAMINGS.

“ There’s a man to see you, sir, with two wooden legs.” “Tell him we don’t want any.” Prisoner—“ Judge, I’d like to have a little time to think this over.” Magistrate months. Next case.” They who do not believe that character can b e told from handwriting have evidently never heard handwriting read aloud in a breach of promise suit.. Mr. Pugh: “Never saw such a crowd at our church before.” Mrs*. Pugh: “New minister?” Mr. Pugh : “No, it was burnt down fast night.” Druggist (to his stout wife) : “Don't come in just this minute. I lam about to sell six bottles of my fat-reducing mixture.” Inspector: “Why does a dog hang his tongue out of his mouth?” Bright-looking boy : “ To balance his tail, sir.” Friend of the family: “ How do you like your new mamma, Johnnie?” Johnnie : “ Oh, pretty good. I ate a jar of plums yesterday, and. she blamed th© servant.” D’Aubist: “Do you think my battle picture expresses, as I have meant it to, all the poignant horrors of war? Kr it tick : —“ Oh, yes ; it’s the horrid, est thing I ever saw.” “'Forgive me for asking, dear, but papa says you can’t meet youa* creditors.” “ Tis false, dearest. I meet them every day.” “Bless you, darling. I knew it wasn’t true!” Nell: “ I have to read a paper on Ideal Women’ at the next meeting of our ladies’ club.” Jack: “Well, all you have to do is to stand up and let them look at you.” Mr. Newricke : “I’ve been spending quite a lot of money on that place of mine. Want to make it fit Ifor a gentleman, y see.” Farmer : “ I understand. Going to let it, eh?” “My wife does look after me, I can tell you. Why,, she takes off my boots for me in the evening!” “ When you come home from the club?” asked a friend. “No; when I want to go there.” Little Catherine, aged five, refused to go on with her glass of ginger ale, and when asked why she didn’t like it, replied: “ ’ Cause it bites my tongue and spits in my face.” The Guide: “Now, ez soon ez I kin bony a dorg we’ll be ready for your hunting trip.” The Amateur Sport: “Why, what’s the matter with your own dog?” The Guide: “Ok. he’s too valuable.” “Sarah, I really wish you would be more careful; I do not like to hear your .mistress scolding you so often,” said. The \ naster of the -house to the maid. “Oh, don’t mind me, sir,” replied Sarah, simply. “I take no notice.” “Now, Johnny,” said the Sunday m\ school teacher, ’’can you tell me one of jflH the oiosy remarkable things Moses did?” “Yes, ma’am,” replied the youth. “He broke all the ments at the same time.” Wife: “'Don’t you think you manage to stay at home week while i , ff on a, Husband: third: so: . course.” Wife: “'But won’t you b- le miserable?” " Husband: “Not a bit.” Wife: “'OH. then. I won’t Hubby : You don’t know I was while you were jawny in try, Helen. "Why. once i heard a lar ji/n the dead of t, and down to the basement three seeps time.” Wifey: “Er, where was he —on roof, George?” J||gPul _ A well-known doctor vho literature recently published a Shortly after its appearance ho conversing with a lady celebrated her wit. “Well, doctor,” she remarked, I 'hear you have taken to ve-nse.” “ Oh, merely to kill time.” “Indeed- Have you disposed of all your other patients?” 'The newly-married man. returning home, found his young wife sitting in gloomy silence by a fireless grate. In reply to his questions as to the cause of her distress, she replied : “It’s awful. To-day I saw another woman who had on a dress that is precisely the same as mine. And the dressmaker said mine was an exclusive design.” Fo-r seme minutes she sat on in silence. Then she said with a little Rim]©, “Well, anyway, there’s one comfort. The other woman is feeling just as angry as I do about it. ”