MISCELLANEOUS.

Tuapeka Times, Volume XXIV, Issue 1868, 3 February 1892, Page 5

MISCELLANEOUS.

A clergyman in England, pleading earnestly with his parishoners for the construction of a cemetery in their parish, asked them to consider the "deplorable condition of 30,000 Englishmen living without Christian burial." The same cleric was asked when he expected to meet his churchwarden. " Never again," he solemnly replied, " our friend is in Heaven." At AUeghanny City (Perm.) there was recently rolled a steel spring six inches wide, one quarter of an inch thick, and 310 feet long. It is the largest coiled spring ever rolled. The order waa tendered to all the large European ironworks, bnt none of them would undertake the task. The great American jumping horse Filemaker is usually ridden by a lady, Madame Marantelle. It was aha who was on his back on November 21 last at Chicago when the world's high jump record of 7ft 3£in, held by Elmira, was equalled by the horse. Filemaker failed several times before getting over the bar, and when he did succeed he dashed at the jump at full speed. Missionary : " I have come here, brethren, to devote my life to you." Cannibal chief: " All right, thanks ; but we'll wait until you are a little fatter." It is claimed that the steamer Majestic is the most economical coal burner of any of the Atlantic " highfliers." She burns 220 tons of coal a day, shows 19,500 horsepower, and makes an average of over twenty knots, or twenty-eight miles per hour throughout the Atlantic passage. In the period from 1866 to 1890 there have been 397 Chinamen married in Victoria, and it is curious to notice the birthplaces of the wives. They were : — Victoria 202, other Australian colonies 61, England and Wales 69, Scotland 17, Ireland 27. It would thuß seem that the colonial-born girl has the least prejudice against the Chinaman. Angry father : " How was it, young man, that I saw you kissing my daughter in the hall last night?" Young man: "I sup pose, sir, because you happened to be around just at the right time." Sixty-Bix thousand men, women, and children form the population of Iceland. All these good people are now in a state of great excitement through having a murder to deal with, the first to occur among them for the past fifty-Bix years. A young man killed his sweetheart. Beatrix : " I think this village must be passing through the Eocene period." Dora: " What do you mean by that ? " Beatrix : " It contains no trace of man." m A woman, by way of experiment, recently tied a pedometer to her chin, and discovered that she talked thirty-three miles between breakfast and lunch. The little province of Manitoba will have a surplus of about 20,000,000 bushela of wheat for England this year. Jones: "What a lucky fellow you are, Brown. You always seem to catch your train with such ease. You never rush up at the last moment like most of us." Brown : " Quite make a mistake, my dear fellow. My misfortune is really worse. I never catch my proper train, You always see me waiting patiently for the next, Dr D. W. Poor loves a joke, and has few equals as a punster. He is a witty after-dinner speaker, and makes a pun on his own name with many an excellent turn. On one occasion the doctor was visiting a friend, and, feeling tired, lay on a couch in the library. The window was up, and quite a strong draught was blowing. The friend proposed to lower the window, but the doctor replied instantly t "No, let it be. lam poor, but I always honor a draft." On another occasion he met a man whose face he remembered but whose name he had forgotten. The stranger was in the same fix. After they had proper data, and made suitable apologies, the doctor said: "It was awkward in me to forget your name, but it was much worse for you to forget mine. The Bible pronounces a curse on those who forget the Poor." Theosophy is not making headway in France, and the Pope has been called upon to denounce the growing superstition in a new Encyclical. In 351 towns and cities of Massachusetts 248 now have free public libraries, and the State has lately provided for the 103 small towns and villages which have no libraries. Mrs R. : " Why, professor, what is the matter ? " Professor Von Spelchen, angrily : " Madame, I spend von hour und von half dis morning to exblain to der young lady vot is der difference between von whole rest undvon half reßt, und she still take der half rest yen I say der whole rest! " Mrs R. : "Why, Elsie, lam surprised ! Why don't you do as the professor tells you ? You know you have plenty of time." In these days of extreme literary activity, when the number of living authors is almost greater than the number of the dead, any system of literary classification should be welcome. The following, which is used in the list of a worthy tradesman who combines the trades of bookbinder and bookseller, commends itself especially to one's favor. He subdivides the ordinary headings of poetry, history, etc., thus: "Half- bound poets," " Leather poets," "Padded poets, "Half-calf poets." The practice of thrift is not one of the most distinguishing characteristics of the people of this country. There are a multitude of virtues the active exercise of which is connected with the thrift of the people.— W. E. Gladstone. Lady Kinnaird is greatly interested in 150,000 laundry, factory, and work room girls of London. She is president of the Factory Helpers' Union, wbioh visits these women, provides homes and clubs for them, and_ instruction in such practical things as sewing, dressmaking, and cookery. A raw-looking farm servant, with "country" writ large on his countenance, was walking along a street in Glasgow the other day, when he chanced to notice a sign in one of the shop windows with the words " Boots blacked inside "on it. Jock stared at_ the notice open-mouthed for several minutes before he found tongue to exclaim : " What in a' the world does folk want wi' the inside of their shoon blackened? I never heard the like o't in a' my born days." No criticism is more usual on North Britons than that they cannot see a joke, ivord Lytton, however, said : "No man, for instance, has more practical understanding than a Scot, and no man has a keener susceptibility to humor." Long-haired individual to newspaper manager : "Is the editor in ? " Manager : " No, he's gone off on his vacation." Longhaired individual : "Do you know whether he read my poem before he went?" Manager :"I think he did. He asked for an extra week's reßt." Damsel, looking for compliments: "No, Captain Judson, I'm not coming to the dance to-morrow night, for I hear there's to be a pretty girl from town present, and there will be no chance for poor me," Gallant but inexperienced officer : " Oh, do come ; I don't like pretty girls." There is more benefit in a good laugh than in all the hot water remedies, faith cures, cold water, electric, and all other new fangled treatments in the world, and it does not cost anything. Laugh. If you know nothing else to laugh at, laugh at your neighbor. He is probably improving his health by laughing at you.