TAPPING VESUVIUS.

Tuapeka Times, Volume XVIII, Issue 1165, 25 July 1885, Page 1 (Supplement)

TAPPING VESUVIUS.

By Tiieodohus Optuib, in Diprose's Anwial. Os 1 course I am aware that this is the nine teenth century; that there is a London School Board ; that an.extension of the franchise has been a subject of diaoussion ; that a re-dis-tribution of Parliamentary seats is an arrangement not so far off, probably, as the millennium. Nevertheless, he knocked at my door two days before I was taken with a bad time of it in bed, and asked for me in a very civil key. 44 Mr. Optime ? " he said. " That's him then," said my housekeeper, who comes from an island equally celebrated for the greenness of its grass, and the everlasting willalooing of its active inhabitants. " Will you let him have that card ? " "Vis," said my housekeeper, in a tone which I knaw to be hers when she put on her war paint, and buried the calumet of peace. At that moment it did not ocour to me that she found my caller disfavoured. I assumed she was angered by the absence of Anna Jane the housemaid, who had run round to see -after her mother, and suggest names for the new arrival. Mra. O'BHsther has b9en my housekeeper for a great number of years. Ido not say that I have been instrumental in bringing about this length of service. Indeed were I taken before a commission for the administration of oaths, and were I then compelled to make an affidavit, I am afraid I should be trespassing over the bounds of truth, if I swore that there have never been times when I have wished Mrs. O'Blisther a great deal farther than probably the good woman ever wanted to go. O'Blisther has good qualities. I would not deny that proposition. But you never know when they are to b 8 put down and when riot is to reign supreme. When Mrs. 08. goes off, wbioh she does as frequently a3 metropolitan trains, there is no knowing what may happen. lam not aware whioh is -most disconcerting, Maria Dolores (for these are her baptismals) in her tantrums, or this good woman down in a fit of momentary panitenoe; in tha lump, wholesale; under the second condition she merely droops upon your neck, bursts into some very scalding tears, and forgives the sufferer. My butcher says Mrs. 08. is " a 'ot vn 1 as 'ot as th9y make 'em." Tha milkman, a mild creature, observes ef her, "really yer see which there never was don't yer know; " while the grooer's boy puts it, that she is a " fair scorcher." She herself has indignantly retailed all this small-beer scandal, and asked me why my hair don't stand on end ? An answer to the effeot that I am mostly bald has never made any mollifying impression upon Maria Dolores— so far as I have yet discovered. However, she will allow nobody else to annoy mo beyond herself. Bat really I rather think I should prefar thg osher arrangement, upon condition that Mrs, 08. wer.e struck dumb, and remained bo. We could provide her with a slate and a bit of chalky She knows enough English for that. __ It ia the language she speaks when not letting off her Celtic, which ia, I am of the opinion, of a deleterious oharaaoter. M«ia is a good cook. We all have some better qualities. Lsfc ma admit that J like good cooking ; but O'Biistber is very dreadful over it. S*ie always asks for cooking advioes through a keyhole, plunging in medias res with awful promptitude. For instance : " Will ye 'aye 'am spatchcocked or grilled ?" This is a vary alarming enquiry coming in mysterious whiffa through a keyhole. It requires great presence of mind to discover at a blow, that it ha? no reference to murder, but is simply a kitchen inquiry, as to how a two-pound eel, forwarded as a present, i 3 to be served up. I havG given M-ma forty-Hix solid separate formal notices to go. But she remains. The things aha has done with those notices ! The ignominioua uses to which she has applied them I Oneß l threatened to send for a polioeman. She flew at once to the ponderous kitchen poker, and I was besieged in my own library for three hours. Then there came an entreaty through the key-hole. " Masther, honey — when are ye comin' to lunch? Sara the beautifalleat kidney and steak puddin's jist askin' to be eaten." And when I came out — douche, Maria Dolores was more than ever repentant, and my shirt collar waa dampsd down below en durance. Such is Maria Dolores O'Blisther. But what of myself ? Let me at once say that I am a person of property, and that I have devoted my life to the writing, printing, and publishing of books which once I hoped posterity would admire, if only for a change. My genius has not allowed me to quail, or tha world would hava had little of my help. Only the small critics havo noticed my works, and they have jumped upon me. I doubt if the big critics are awara of my existence. Nevertheless, my work on " The Advisability of Annihilation" might have lived, while my four volumes " Is there an ia, or is there net ?" were never equalled. „ But I diverge. The visitor was shown in. He had a decided limp— the left foot. I may add that in reference to this halting gait, be observed that he had bean thrown out of a phaeton — " in fact" said he—" I had a fall in life." I must say that his grin as he said this was most alarming. He quite altered a very distinguished set of highly intellectual, if startling, features. Ho waa dressed in a Buit of that speckled cloth,' known a3 pepper and salt, while his neck-tie was of thunder and lightning shot silk— very effective, like a topaz that had been dipped in ink. He carried an elegant crookhandled stick, with whioh I noticedhe grabbed at the furniture, after the manner of a shepherd. Hia nose was decidedly hooked, and perhaps bia eyes were too near each other for the general taste. His teeth— bless me what fanes they were. But his most remarkable individuality was a hump in the small of his back. I never remember to have remarked this sort of dorsal distinction so low down. Its shapes were peculiar, for the wellmade coat seemed in that region to fit over a neat ooil of rope. But his breeding was perfect. After the first salutations he observed " Mr. Optime — genius has its trials, and therefore you have youra I Doubtless you marvel why I call ; it i 3 your genius whioh compels me to this visit. I have always been misunderstood , and my intentions found disagreeable, but I flatter myself that in you, at last, I find a congenial personage. 1 - Let me at once say that your essay, 'The Seductiveness of Suicide' has quite taken me, while your thesis, « On the E'ght of Every Man to do as he Likes' strikes me, from my point of view, as the finest effort of unusual graßp." I replied that he did me more honour than perhaps I deserved, but that as a matter of faot my works were not popular. '• Your work • On tba Necessity of an Everlasting Pit, 1 " he added "is more than perfeotion—and so Deep t" I -smiled and Baid that I thought that especial work of mine was profound. 41 1 feel," said my visitor, " that we shall be everlasting friends." .^

point, " but will you allow m 9 to open a window ?" " I don't like draughts," replied my visitor, " but loan bear one lattice open." •' What is more," said I—" thore is a very I searching' small in the room. I am afraid somebody has been treading successfully upsn a box of very common luoifers I" "Matches my dear sir — matches. Pray don't use the word luoifer so lightly." " Thank you," I said, and conscions that I was not quite so serene as usual. " Yet may I ask the objset of this visit." "My dear sir — I am not a rich man, and—" " My dear uir," I replied—" if you want a subscription you are wasting your breath. I only benefit mankind by way of my printed contributions." He looked at me with remarkable grimness. "Not rich," he repeated, "but I have always sought to be the cause of riches in others. I think you would use wealth just after my own heart, and I have tha means of doing you a good turn 1" '' Surely you ara not the promoter of a new public company ?" " No — no— no," said he, shaking his head, " I am not so bad as that ; indeed, I have never been so sombre as I have ever been painted. What do you think of this?" He dropped a lamp of metal on my table — and there is the dent to this hour. "What should I think?" " My dear sir," said my visitor, rising and making me a low bow, " I look upon you as my most charming pupil at present obliging the earth— and I always put my pupils in for good things. That lamp of metal is an amalgam of gold, silver, platinum, and seven other of the rarer and more highly prized metals." "Indeed," said I — "but why have you mixed 'em ?" " I didn't— it is nature's own amalgam — in your interests I have been tapping Vesuvius t" After he waa gone, and before I took to my bed, I translated that lump of metal down to a friend ot mme — an aeaayer, and he at once scraped and tested for gold, silver, and three other metals, all of which he found. The proportion of gold in the mixture was 49.05. Of course at the moment I assumed that my visitor was an esoapee from Dr. Toko's asylum round the corner— but now, with the assayiat's notes before me, I oannot doubt. He seemed to tower above me as he said^- " My emulsive friend, what do you know of the centra of the earth ? I suppose you will admit that thera must be something there ? Why not that J" pointing to the lump. My analytical mind, so muoh like your own, led me to conclude that Vesuvius was an outlet to an excitable telluric condition of things. I have tapped Vesuvius— in tha proper plaoe, and I have run off several barrels of that vintage. All is yours upon one condition. "Nameit,"saidl. " That you print your works in millions and distribute them gratis, nnceasingly. " But suppose I drove the world mad?" "That's the world's look-out," said he, grinning until he showed every tooth he had in his remarkable bead, " I'll do it," I aaid. At that moment, my housekeeper, whose footsteps I had just previously heard in the passage, spoke. "Have'umdivilledl" Such was the remarkable recommendation which oame through the keyhole. " Blass me," said my .caller. 4I What is this visitation ? Where are we now ?" "I believe," Baid I, "that it is my housekeeper making some enquiry as to lunch 1 It is her manner." " And very bad manners too," said the visitor, with remarkable tendenoy towards irritation ; " why do you not squirt at her ?" " You do not know Mrs. O'Blisther," said I, with a deprecatory smile. " I oannot say that I deplore that indisputable faot. She would discompose the-nerves of a hippopotamus." " Or what would ye be sayin* to a toad" in the hole now ? " " Tell her to go," said her visitor, with increasing agitation. " Yes," said I, "very muoh so, Mrs. O'Blisther. But clear away, I'm busy now." " Not till ye tell me if yell have the cod barbecued or minced will I stir a step from yer old door." " Half minced " said I, " and half the other." " Ye fool," says Maria, " how can that be— doesn't barbecued mean from head to tail ? " Here the 'visitor took out his handkerchief, flame colored, wish a spiky border, and appeared to shake out perfume. " Bedad," says the departing voioe of Maria Dolores, " there's a chimney o' fire somewhere, anyhow, and a mighty bad smell in the neighborhood to be sure." "An awful oreature, and most disreputable, evidently. Why do you not gat rid of her?" " You are a little too severe," said I. " A most delightful cook ; will you stop to lunch and let her toss up a little something for you?" " Thank you, no. I like my viands hot and fiery." " Her carries are tremendous ; and let me assure you that she has the personal advantage of being the possessor of a considerable portion of a spoke from the original St. Catherine's Wheel 1" " Ha ! I thought she waa nasty. Why don't you burn it ? However," with a sigh of relief, " she appears to be off. So muoh the better. You aocept my terms ? " "I do," I said. " One volume at least a quarter. Have you any on the anvil ? " I smiled and said : "Practically, I have seventy-five volumes in a solid state of preparation." My remarkable visitor shot his eyes up with evidont ecstasy, placed the tips of hia fingers delicately together, smiled serenely and asked " May I dare hope to hear the titles of one or two of them ? " I bowed and observed : " What do you say to " On the Knowableness of the Unknowableness.' " ' j " Ker-perfeot," said my visitor. " Or," I continued, "• On the Necessity ol Nothingness.' What do you say to that ?" " I pity the wretch who would not road it twice, and sit up all night to do it, with pleasure." I give you his exact words. I was moved. I shall never see him again — at least, I hope not. I think I may look upon mine as a fortunate escape. I believe Maria Dolores saved me from a tremendous inconvenience. Nevertheless, I am touohed as I remember my remarkable visitor's emotion, when he heard the title ot that remarkable book. " Pray let it be bound in calf," he added. •'Delighted," said I, " but may I have the great pleasure of personally dedicating that great work to you?" He shut his eyes. " I am not worthy," said he, " but my admiration for you commands. Dedicate it to me in letters of gold. Yon have my card— Mr. Cayeholker. "Mr.OleCayoholker/'I said, reading the card. A foreign gentleman, I presume, though your accent is perfeot." " Thank you, no, I am not settled in England—where my family havo never been popular. If I had a son he should be called Milton Cayoholker." 41 Cayoholker itself," said I, •• is a very exoeptionalname^ _

mendation to a hot place, in the dati oase. Pray do not open another window." " But do you not perceive that the room ia getting unpleasantly— shall we say, Caycholkery, if you will allow me to coin the expression ?" "You have done it, without waiting for my permission. A man of your literary standing, my dear Sir Theodorus — I beg your pardon. No, you have not received a baionetcy yet. Let me temporarily say my dear Mr. Theodorus Optime— a man of your literary taste ought to ba above word- juggling. Let us leave eaoh other's name alone. For instance, I could willingly take objection to Theodoras, but I don't. I should prefer Jonah, aa being less of a take in. Bat where are we now?" I observed thai " Wa were where we were." "Then let xn continue," said my visitor, with a smile. "Do you like old fashions ?'' " Some," I ob3exvod, with learned guardedness. "Well— do you object to the sweet old fashion of signing your name to important documents in human gore ?" Mad of cour3e— that was my immediate conclusion. Bat a madman may tap Vesuvius, and there waa the matal before me. "Ah 1 I see," said I, bearing with him, " I understand. lam to sign a document in my own gore, giving you all my ethereal composition when it, or I, or something or other, has done with my corporeal demonstra- . tion 1" " Ha !" said my visitor, " I see you have been up." » "Up where?" "To one of tha 'Varsities." " Camford," said I. "I am glad to hear it. I have personally always had more business at that shop than the other. Oxbridge is too canonical for me." " It is said to be that way," I conceded, 41 but I ignore Oxbridge." " Howit must suffer," replied Cayeholker. " But I should like to know, Optime, when this signature is to b 3 put on. I hava the document here. Shall I produce it ?" "At your leesure," I said, with cautiou3 dignity. "Leesure," he replied. "Very neat. An admirer of the late Earl Eassell's KogHah ? We were never great friends, but by Pluto what chums Pam and I were, to be sura. They called him Cupid when I first knew him — and down to the last we were near partners. Ha 1 no man before his time ever did sat the world by the eara like Pam Flash. I gava him the name at D'O/aay's— DOrsay and Blessington were also great pala of mine. Ha t people lived in those days. Hare is the document. You will pardon its sixand-eight air, will you not ? You see our Thsmyesus has bean such a tyrant ever since she dropped in amongst us. Poor Themyssua — but Bhe does get calls even from chancellors, since poor Eastbury went down with a cessarara. Where's the gore ?" "I have not any about," said I. " Fiddle- dee- dee," says Cayeholker, ' you're pale enough, but you must, at least, hava a panful in your veins." "Don't be personal," said I, "and that I beg, Bignor." " A flick of the nosß, now," said he, " might do it." I started back, and in some alarm, so that I bit off an appreciable atom of the tip of my tongue. " There's the point of it," said he, "pat your pen in yoar mouth, and call it a red inkstand. Write your name plain, for what with bad handwritings, and worse clerking, we ara as muoh tormented with official documents as your own precious pottering governments" "Precious pots, indeed," said I. "Why the head of every department has sent me back presentation copies of my books ! Do you want my remarkable signature in fall ? " "As full as you like. I have always said in my department — the more the merrier." I had just planted my prepared pen upon the paper, and as I noticed that my visitor began mopping himself over tha forehead (as though Buffering from deep mental agitation), when that preparatory sniff came through the key-hole which I have known for numberless years to ba the premonitory symptom of a. cavernous remark from Maria Dolores, Mrs. 0 Bliather. " Howly St. Pathrick," suoh was her adjuration—" hwhat a divill of a smell o'brimstone I " Suoh was the simple utterance of that remarkable woman I There was an all-round orash ! When I recovered enough to feal about for myself, I was ou my back, amazed, staring, looking about, examining, speechless— and alone. Was it dynamite? I think not, because the house wa's there. But then — dynamite is such an up-and-down arrangement, and so very eccentric. But my visitor was gone^ — all But a very searching perfume. " Hwhat are ye on the floor for', sor ? " saya my housekeeper — an hwhat have ye done with the strange gentleman ? " " He appears to have retired," said I. 14 Best his soul if he's havin' one." "And I think I'm coming too, Maria— you'll find it behind my great work on ♦Atoms in the Middle of Next Week.' I'll take it neat." "Bsdad— no wonder I couldn't find it. Anyhow, it's a curious day we're havin'. Hwhat's your eyebrows singed off for ? " "Are they so ! " said I— and indeed when I looked in the glass I appeared to be an Arabian Nights' calender — though I am free to admit that I never knew what a calender was. Bat I remember distinctly that he never wore eyebrows." Mine have grown again, but they have oome up awfully scumbled. Was it dynamite? His total vanishment points that way. For instance, Myrson E. Paige, oil- operator, Pennsylvania says, "The mysterious nature of dynamite has completely puzzled scientific observation ana study, and I do not believe to-day (1834) that any satisfactory explanation can be given of it. This singular feature is the almost complete annihilation of matter, especially of the human body. When a man lets fall a oan of nitro-glycerine, there is not enough left of him to cover the bottom of a snuff box." Bat as to Cayoholker— if it was dynamite, or nitro-glyoerine, why did not the honse go ? To 'be core, the window was open, and it might have a]l taken that direction. Bat then the neighbors never complained of any racket ! Perhapt he was town traveller for a dynamite house; and perchance his samples did go off ? ~ I wasn't well for a long time. I kept fancying myself somebody else. I have bean thinking lately a good deal. I am halfinclined to bum all my books, and write a "History of St. Patrick"— to whom I-oer-tainly feel myself beholden. Anyhow I shall never visit Naples. It is too near Vesuvius for me !