LAWRENCE UNPROTECTED.

Tuapeka Times, Volume XVI, Issue 992, 21 November 1883, Page 3

LAWRENCE UNPROTECTED.

In respectful but fervid language, inspired no doubt by the dangers of our unprotected state, we hare frequently, though it seems, unavailingly, implored Colonel Header, through one of his lesser satellites, to impose a trifle more restraint on, what we conceive to be, our growing tendency to evil. Our request may seem strange, but is, nevertheless, worthy of consideration, and is made with the same feeling that frequently induces a man with a mind for some terrible crime to wish himself under restraint. \Ve feel ourselves hopelessly drifting into lawlessness, but still retain sufficient of our early righteousness to wish ourselves again in the paths of virtue. We have already recorded our conviction that the stalwart Mayor (admitting the numerous marks of attention which he has bestowed on us), with bis formidable assistants, is unequal to the task of effecting so salutary a reform in our lives. Not even our Suburban Retreat (which through the efforts of the indomitable " J. n " has considerably extended the period of its hospitality) with its domestic seclusion, and the excellent habit* of temperance and meditation, which it piactically inculcates, is deemed capable of subduing the rampant spirit of lawlessness with which we are infected. Ever watchful and untiring representative in catering for the wanfo of your constituents, you have fiist provided them with a railway to facilitate the exit of those to whom the laws have become oppressive, and to complete the measure of our happiness, you have lately arranged that the regulations of the above Retreat should be altered so as to meet the wishes of those of your constituents who love ex* ended solitude And yet, ungrateful wretches, they murmur and complain ! We have now exhausted all our powers and entreaty in this matter, and such has been the intensity of our desire for reformation that we have not even hesitated to startle colonial society by proclaiming at intervals the number of our iniquities, in the vain hope that we may be regarded dangerous and thought worthy of increased surveillance. But the Colonel evidently believes we are but calumniating ourselves, and need moral more than physical restraint— that, in fact, we are more proficient at filching each others' characters than purses. But, with, all his astuteness, his e-fcimate of us is a till far from ■ correct, else he would hate knowi th»t there is not a character worthy of the name in the community but has long since been laid hands on and appropriated for the delectation of our old women of both sexes. If it is of any weight in the matter, however, we might assure him that we are uot at all fastidious in our choice of a policeman. We don't sigh after one of those elaborately got-up ''bloods" that give you the impression he was kept on hand merely to be looked at. \ Oh, no ! We have a number of roung men ■ with that idea here just now. Something infinitely less superb *ill satisfy us : the fact is there has b.-cn an exodus from here of late, so that we are hol likely to object to anything that can be called a unit in the population. His chief duties will be to attend the monthly meetings of the Cricket Club and show himself among the Caledonians when < any question comes up that's likely lo interest ' the cricketers. In the interval, be can amuse uimsrif by studying the habits of the Chinese, or cultivating a taste for chemical research among our numerous whisky-mills. In addition, all his abilities will be at once called into requisition in order to dissipate the cloud of crime which has darkened our social horizon for some time. There is still ibe fate of that vagrant turkey, which is, up to the present, shrouded in the most impenetrable mystery, to be accounted for. He may hape, with the impertinent airs of his kind, wantonly intruded on the privacy of some domestic circle, and thus hastened his demise and subsequent dissection ; or, his unguarded tenement may have been raided in the small hours, and in this way he may hare been transferred to the festive-board. It is but fair, however, to observe that freebooting exploits of this description are ex remely rare amongst us ; but no doubt those who know us best will insist that that is owing mrre to a want of opportunity than to any nice perceptions of honesty on our part. There is also an erratic and rather unprofessional burglar at large among us, whom the enfeebled arm of the law is powerless to smite. It is thought, however, that his predatory tendencies have been lately effectually suppressed. That verdant specimen of the " cracksman," it seems, evinces a desire to interview his intended victim before operating on the "crib." One night quite recently he expressed a wish to that effect, and it was at once complied with, perhaps, rather suddenly. That burglar is now never out after dark ; be has given up billiard b and bis latch key and taken to Boft drinkß. Need I mention the criminal, but no doubt wellintentioned,attempts to stimulate the languishing glazing industry by demolishing the windows of sundry unoffending citizens, or the solemn warning given in the familii.r tones of a local councillor, from his place at the" board, who has since, like the ancient Roman, retired to bia turnips and " "- industry. . His tale was brief but itroDgly characteristic of the man. He had found one of those nomads — those homeless wanderers (poor devils) that we call " swaggers 11 — looking aimlessly for some friendly shelter at an hour when most people were enjoying the comforts of luxurious repose, and wandering dangerously near to the property of tbe benevolent Councillor, perchance, with the intention of chiming hospitality amongst his horses ; and, quoth the dignitary ruefully : " There was no policeman about ; our Droperty is not at all fairly protected." One would think that this incident, which luckily had not a tragic ending, and the sparkling remarks that followed its recital, would have sounded the depths of official ignorance and called forth a becoming response to our continued appeals. But no ! Not even the reputed wisdom of our Councilboard, nor the most convincing proofs of our social depravity, are capable of moving the impassive mind of officialism. There yet remains untried, however, one means by which we may confidently reckon on the success of our representations. We have before now button-holed bigger men than the Colonel, and made them see the feasibility of our demands. W« have still amongst us the ■atne band of pilgrims tbat explored the intricacies of" the biggest wooden building," and successfully palavered with those antiquated gentlemen that hold the national money-bags. Let them once more be organised and charged with a full expression of our views in the present instance. They are still remembered in the Empire City, and venerated for the zeal with which they expounded the importance of their mission, and, indeed, one of the envoys, from the commendable persistency with which at all times and places, he dilated on mud, sludge, <tc, and ■ heir attendant evils, in connection with his mission, was, by some impertinent wits, irreverently dubbed " the mud-lark." I have now pointed out the only means by which it is possible to appeal successfully to tbe ear of Colonel Reader, and, let me add, thit if it \s not availed of we may in time be compelled to apply for the services of an official whose means of repression are of all others the most sudden and efficacious. YilTDrx. The steamer Doric has arrived at Home after a smart passage of only 42 days from Lyttelton. She has 8000 froeen sheep, which are in good condition. The cargo of th« British King has now been ali sold at a price all round of s£d per lb. It will be remembered thatan extra large quantity of meat was placed upon the market at the time of her arrival.