His Pa's Marvellous Escape.

Tuapeka Times, Issue 851, 30 June 1883, Page 2 (Supplement)

His Pa's Marvellous Escape.

" Got any vaseline," said the bad boy to the groceryman, as he went in one cold morning, leaving the door open, and picked up a cigar stub that had been thrown down by the stove and began to smoke it,

" Shut that door, dum you. Was you brought up in a sawmill ? You'll freeze every potato in the house. No I haven't got any vaseline. What do you want of vaseline?" said the grocery-man as he set the syrup-keg on a chair by the stove where it would thaw out." • " Want to rub it on pa's legs said the boy as he tried to draw smoke through a cigar stub. " Why what is the matter with your pa's legs? Eheumatiz?" ' " Wus's nor rheumatiz," said the boy, as he threw away the cigar stub and drew some cider in a broken tea-cup. "Pa has got the worst looking hind legs you ever saw. You see/ since there has been so many fires pa has got offul scared, and he has bought three fire-es-capes, made out of rope with knots in them, and he has been telling us every day how he could rescue the whole family in case of fire. He told us to be cool, whatever happened, and to rely on him. If the house got on fire we were all to rush to pa, and he would Bave us. " Well, last night ma had to go to one of the neighbors, where they was going to have twins, and we didn't sleep much, because ma had to come home twice in the night to get saffron and an old flannel petticoat that I broke in when I was a kid, cause the people where ma went did not know as twins was on the bill of fare, and they only had flannel petticoats for one. Pa was cross at being kept awake, and pa told ma that when all the children in Milwaukee were born and got grown up, she would take in her sign and not go around nights acting as usher to baby matinees. Pa says there ought to be a law that babies should arrive on the regular day traina and not wait for the midnight express. Weil pa he got asleep, and he slept till about eight o'clock in the morning, and the blinds were closed, and it was dark in his room, and I had waited for my breakfast till I was hungry as a wolf, and the girl told me to wake pa up, so I went upstairs, and I don't know what made me think of it, but I had some of this powder they make red fire with in the theatre, that me and my chum had the Fourth of July, and I put it in a wash-dish in the bathroom, and I touched it off and hollered fire. I was going to wake pa up and then tell him it was all right, and laugh at him. I guess there waa too much fire, or I yelled too loud, cause pa jumped out of bed and grabbed a rope and rushed through the hall towards the back window, then goes out on the shed.

" I tried to say something, but pa ran over me and told me to save myself, and I got ta the back window to tell him there was no fire just as he let himself out of the window. He had one end of the rope tied to the leg of the washstand, and he was climbing down the back aide of the shed by the kitchen, with nothing on but his night-shirt, and he waa the horriblest looking object ever was, with his legs flying and trying to stick his toe-nail* into the rope and the side of the house. I don't think a man looks well in society with nothing but his night-shirt on. I didn't blame the hired girls for being scared when they saw pa and his legs come down outside the window, and when they yelled I went down to the kitchen, and they said a crazy man with no clothes but a pillow-case around his neck was trying to kick the window in, and they run into the parlor, and I opened the door and let pa in the kitchen. He asked me if anybody else was saved; and then I told him there was no fire, and he must have dreamed he was in hell or somewhere. Well, pa was astonished and said he must be •wrong in the head, and I left him thawing himself! by the stove while I went after his pants, and his legs were badly chilled, but I guess nothin* was froze. He lays it all to ma, and says if she would stay at ho^ae and let people run their own baby shows, there would be more comfort in the house. Ma came in with a shawl over her head, and a bowl full of something thatsmelled frowsy, and after she had told us what the result of her visit was, she sent me after vaseline to rub pa's legs. P&. says he has demonstrated that if a man is. cool and collected in case of fire, and goes, deliberately at work to save himself 4 he will come out all right." "Well, you are the meanest boy I ever heard of," said the grocery man. "But what about your pa's dancing a clog dance in church Sunday. The minister's hired girl was in here after some codfish yesterday morning, and she said the minister said your pa had scandalized the church the worst way."

" Oh, he didn't dance in church. He wasa little excited, that's all. You see, pa chews tobacco, and it is pretty hard on him to sit all through the sermon without taking a chew, and he gets nervous. He always reaches around in his pistol pocket when they stand up to sing the last time and feels in his tobacco box and gets out a chew, and puts it in his mouth when the minister pronounces thebenediction, and then when they get on* doors he is already to spit. He always does that. Well, my chum had a present on Christmas, of a music box, just about as big as pa's tobacco box, and all you have to do is to touch a spring and it plays • She's a Daisy, She's a. Dumpling.' I borrowed it and put it in pa's pistol pocket, where he keeps his tahaeco box,, and when the choir got most through singing pa reached his hand in his pocket and began to fumble around for a chew. He touched the. spring, and just as everybody bowed their heads to receive the benediction, and it was so still you could hear a gum drop, the music bdx began to play, and in the stillness it sounded as loud as a church organ. "Well, I thought ma would sink. The minister heard it and he looked towards pa, and everybody looked a': pa, too, and" pa turned red, and the music-box kept up, ' She' g a Daisy,' and the minister looked mad a T A & said, 'Amen,' and people began to put on their coats, and the minister told the dr to hunt up the source of that worldly 7 jyaaa and they took pa into the room back o f $& pulpit and searched him, and ma Bays pa will have to be churched. They e L t^ c music-box, and I have got to carry j n £ og [ j 0 get money enough -to buy my dr lQm a new music-box. Well, I shall have tr t K0 an( j ge t that yaseUne or pa's legs will •m^ Good . day. " — Peck's Sun.