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Tuapeka Times, Volume VI, Issue 299, 23 October 1873, Page 9

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True King of Fun — Jo-king. A Fee common to Everybody — Cof-fee. How to Prevent Sea Sicknesa— -Stay on the shore. A Confectioner advertises broken hearts for a shilling a pound. A contemporary styles strong-minded women " knights of the garter." An Old Bachelor's Latest. — Ladies wear cgo^s from instinct — a natural love of DeH^Bqueezed. No Never ! — "Sou don't hear of a policeman being run over— they're never in the way. Wanted, a quantity of adhesive plaster to make busybodies stick to their own business Nonsense.— A fellow said to another : " It's all nonsense to pretend that love is blind, I never yet knew a man in love that could not see ten times as much in his sweetheart as I could." A business man says : " Tryiag to do v business without advertising is like winking in the dark ; you may know yourself that you are keeping up a powerful winking, but nobody else has any idea of it." * An Irishman dropped a letter In the postoffice the other day with the following memorandum on the corner, for the benefit of all indolent postmasters into whose hands it might fall :—" Please hasten the delay of this." A canny Scot, who had put np at an inn, was asked in the morning how he had slept. mon," replied Donald, "nae vera weel, either, but I was muckle better off than the bugs for deil a ane o* them closed on e'e the hale nicht." Minding One's Own Business.' — There are two reasons why some people don't mind their own business. One is that they haven't *ny business ; and the second is that they would'have no mind to bring to it if they had. This kind of humanity is p as common as three meals a-day. Pretty girl to Charlrs : " Charles, how far )b it around- the world ? Isn't it twenty-four — ." Charles (who adores pretty girl and puts both arms around her) : ' ' That's all a mistake, my love ; ifc is only about twenty-four inches." She was all the world to him. ,. " Dear Charley !" An exchange propounds the following conundrum: " What shall be done with the people who annoy their neighbours at public entertainments by giggling and chatting all the evening?" The only remedy we can think of is, get them married, that generally ends their giggling days. Aj^ Extraordinary Occurrence. — Once upoiTMame an editor of a country weekly newspaper on entering his office noticed one of the apprentice boys cutting some queer capers, and asked the cause of his so amusing himself. The lad replied: "Why, sir. I have had a shock !" "A shock ?" " Yes, sir," "What kind of a shock !" "Why, sir, one of the subscribers came in a while »g% and said he owed for two years subscription — paid it — and also paid another year in advance." "In advance !" gasped the editor, nearly as much overcome as the apprentice. " Y&, sir^ and it has produced such an effect upon me that I have, hardly known ever since whether I have stood upon my head or my heels." " And well you may feel queer, Jim, but be quiet ; if you survive .., this you are safe, as there is little likelihood of such another catastrophe happening again in a hurry." A gentleman who wishes to send his family to the country for the summer advertises for a place " where there are no pretty girls within twenty miles," on account of his eldest son. A New Londoner writes to a postal card correspondent, " please Dont Send me enny more of those cards for this reason— l like to read a letter adrest to me the furst one after it leves the riter." A New York saloon-keeper keeps his father about the place as ah encourager to ■ his patrons. The old chap is near ninety yean old and says he hasn't gone to bed. sober for more than sixty years. A little more than a week ago some .demented newspaper correspondent in Danville, N. H., divulged the fact that no insurance agent had ever visited that peaceful town, and now no citizen can take a walk without heading a procession of them. The Greenfield " Gazette " tells of a man, well known there, who borrowed money of his wife to go to Indiana and look for business, but who, instead, procured a divorce, married again, and then came back to borrow * more money of his former wife. A member of the stay-in-town club has hit upon the expedient of placing ma-shells promiscuously about his sleeping-room, and m^acys he goes to bed with the sound of the ocean ringing in his ears, and wakes up "refreshed as if he'd plunged- into the •urf. -' A Peorit editor on his way home the other •vening had the misfortune to lose a sum of money which he. had been saving up to invest in real estate. The amount lost, in* eluding the value of the pocket-book and some articles of jewellery, was gixty-four cents. f ■ " the first public execution, under the law in..A¥Ut6&&: took place a lew clays ago at YfinaCiiy. Thecitizensweredisgustedatthe and solemnity of the proceedings. /They declare^, that there was no fun in it, /and threatened to return to Judge Lynch's -■ cotte.