FACETIAE.

Tuapeka Times, Volume VI, Issue 275, 8 May 1873, Page 7

FACETIAE.

School Examiner : " .Name the kings of England who died violent deaths."— Boy : ' ' Please, sir, did a king who died in a fit die a violent death ?" School Examiner (apparently slightly bothered) : "I am not allowed to help you in answering questions. You must judge for yourself." A strong-minded woman ia Detroit made the following gentle reply to a politiciau who had called at her house to get her husband to go to the poll and vote : " ISo, sir, he can't go ! He's washing now, and he's got to iron to-morrow, and if he wasn't doing anything he couldivt go. I run this 'ere house, I do." The wives of men of sentiment are not always the most appreciative of women. Jean Paul represents Siebenkar as reading one of his beautiful imaginings to his wife, who listened with eyelids cast down and bated breath. As he closed, the sharer of his joys beamed forth with, "Don't put on your left stocking to-morrow, dear ; I must mend that hole in it." " Eat your bread, Charles— do not fling it away," said a learned and good judge to one of his family the other day, adding, " for who knows in the vicissitudes of this life ifyou may not some day want it." The old gentleman had to cough, look learned, and go away, when his youngster said, more logically than his parent, "If I eat it now how can I have it when I want it ?" This is the result of a learned judge having children. "Why, uncle Dewlittle, how dew you dew ? Come in and rest a little while, dew. How does Hannah dew, and what is she dewing ? Dew tell us all the news, Come, dew sit down to table and dew as we dew ; hep yourself ; dew talk now, and dew not make me dew all the talking, for I shan't dew it. Hojßrdewdew something, dew." " says :— Should any of the folIfcWHigpersons feel disposed to follow Sergeant example, and desire to make a walking tour through the United States, carrying the British, flag, leave of absence for any length of time they please will be granted them with the utmost readiness : — Mr. Ayrton, Mr. Odger, Mr. Bradleugh, Mr. Whalley, Our Tax Collector, and The Waits. We should have been most happy to include the Claimant, but there are legal difficulties in the way. A servant-girl who could not read had, from constant attendance, got the Church service by rote ; but a few Sundays previous to her marriage she was accompanied by her -sweetheart, to which she did not like it to be known that she could not read ; she therefore took up the prayer-book and held it before her. Her lover wished to have a sight of it, bnt, unfortunately for her, she held it upside down. The man, astonished, cried, "Good heavens ! why, you have the book wrong side upwards." " I know it," said she, " I always read so, for I am lefthanded." Mr. Swellington (who is fond of letting people know that is he is acquainted with the aristoceacy) : "I assure, my dear fellah, I was staying at a country-house the other day, and the master (most intimate iriend'of mine) rang for the chef, and asked him why the dooce they all objected to Australian beef ? * Why, my lord,' says the chef, 'fl really can't fgive any precise reason for it.'" Mr. Griggaby (who is fond of chaffing Mr. Swellington) : " Ah, very interesting story ! I was staying at a country house, too. The missus (regular old pal 'o mine) rang for the vice-sub-deputy-assistant groom of the chambers, and put the very same question to him. ' Well, yer grace,' gays he, ' I'm blowed if I know.' " Shortly after the appointment of a certain pew justice of the peace, whose legal acumen many were disposed to question, a fellow who thought he was quite smart enough to play a good joke on him, undertook it in the presence of several of his friends. Going into the office of the justice, he walked up to ■where he was sitting. '" Good morning, your honor. I wish to get your advice on a point." "Very well. Be kind enough to state your case," replied the justice blandly. "Well, this is it. As I was passing along the street just now, a fellow gave me a slap alongside of my head like that," said he, giving the justice a good slap by way of illustrating the affair more vividly. " Now, what I want to know is, what I 3hould do with him?" "Take him by the scruff of the neck, like this, 1 ' Baid he, seizing the joker, " and kick him headlong into the street, like that," he continued, kicking him down stairs sprawling.