RANDOM THOUGHTS

Tuapeka Times, Volume III, Issue 187, 7 September 1871, Page 5

RANDOM THOUGHTS.

Wanganui has recently developed a choice specimen of the genus ruffian A publican named M'Donald, for the purpose of defrauding the Insurance Companies, deliberately set fire to his hotel, whereby he wilfully and ruthlessly destroyed the life of one poor man and endangered the lives of others. What added new horror to the crime was that the ■cruel wretch, instead of having been struck with remorse at the fearful fulfillmentof his fiendish plan, actually seamed ,to exult over it, exclaiming with villanous effrontery, when speaking of his victimin language anything but choice, " Oh, lie's but a common man, and there's plenty of his sort in New Zealand." Surely hanging is too ordinary a punishment for so extraordinary a villain. A more adequate reward would be decapita£iou with a blunt pair of scissors.

A Melbourne paper says it has been «uggested tfeat a* dry meetings of the City Council, and such" other bodies, pipes and gTfOg might be introduced with advantage, This is a capital idea, and one which I think our civic authorities should take into their favourable consideration, and ultimately adopt. To add another relish to their meetings, they might also sanction the introduction of cards, so tfe*t when any Councillor chose to apeak against time, his brother officials could indulge ia » quiet game of euchre or poker while sipping their respective 'favourite poisons, and forming wreaths of tobacco smoke round the speaker's head, -Jones doesn't approve of the idea ; but Jones is a tall man., and WhatVhis-name says that all tall men are fnois. My own impression is that Town. Councils, and other public bodies, by adopting this course, would render each of their meetings what under existing arrangements they sometimes are not, namely, hi every sense, " a feast of reason and a flow of *v soul !" Again : fancy what a pleasing ' effect would be produced by a councillor rising to address the meeting with a. short ; black pipe stuck in* one corner of his mouth, and with grave incoherence speakina- somewhat in the following manner, being frequency in-ierrnpiecl by the exclamations of tho others, whom we will suppose to be playing "anto up": Mr.

Chairman (puff), I cannot allow (hie) the observations of the (puff) last speaker to pass without saying ["I'll see you, and go four better."] a word in (puff) selfdefence. I must say (hie, puff) that when I became a (puff) candidate for [A voice : " For the brick ward 1 "] No, sir ; for the Nor'-east Ward (puff) ; it was my intention to [" Ante up, gentlemen."] endeavour to get ["A pair of queens." " Take the mone}."] a fair and equitable distribution of f ( ' Matches ? Take half-a-crown's worth."] the local revenue (puff) over the various wards (hie) in the way of public (puff, puff) works. But what has been the (hie) result? Why, T find that I (hie) can only get [" A full hand." " Too good."] only get a — a — a (He resumes his seat, lays his head gently on the tnble, and serenely sleeps). Tableau : A large room ; a table covered with papers, books, bottles, glasses, cards, and broken pipes ; several pairs of boots, with feet in them, protruding from beneath the table.

Tx seems to be the opinion of some that should the Hospital still be kept open an ill feeling is likely to arise between our two disciples of iEsculapius, in the event of the Resident Surgeon being allowed private practice. Without entering fully into the subject, which has been pretty well exhausted already, I must certainly say that I see no reason why these gentlemen could not proceed amicably with their work of torture— inflicting pill", potion and blister upon the unfortunates who happened to fall into their clutches — for surely in a large and settled district like this they could find victims enough upon whom to perform the surgical operation of " bleeding." Their practice, too, would rapidly increase, for the population is being added to daily. Look alone at the numerous marriages and their results. (By-the-by, what a place the Blue Spur is for these * ' little results ! ") Should they find it desirable or necessary to put on the screw, are there not plenty of ways of doing so 1 For instance, if a weak-minded, fidgety mortal who was cutting a wisdom tooth came to them complaining of " awful pains in the face and head," could they not assume a look of professional wisdom and declare the patient was suffering from a compound comminuted fracture of the left eyebrow, insist upon seeing him once a day for a month at his own residence, and charge him a couple of guineas a visit ? Taking all the circumstances into consideration, I cannot but think that amicable arrangements can and will be made between our M.D.'s, and that, too, in a manner that will not impair the efficiency or be in any way derogatory to the interests of that institution into whose bosom many a stricken fellow-creature has been gladly and cheerfully received and cared for — an instution which, in spite of the base conduct of those ingrates who compose the greater part of the Provincial Council, f sincerely hope and believe the people of this district will never allow to fall to the ground . No ; let the Doctors by a proper course continue to prow m popuVrity ; let them physic the public for the public's good ; and let their motto be " Patients and long suffering !"

The Auckland Borough Council have been guilty of an unprecedented act of shabbi.-iess. At a recent meeting, by the casting vote of the Mayor, they actually deprived their Inspector of Nuisances of a new suit of clothes. It occurred in this way : A Councillor moved a resolution to the effect that seeing the Inspector did ii"t make an appearance on the public streets compatible with the respectability of the institution of which he was an important representative, he should be supplied with a suit of clothes at the expense of the Borough. Another Councillor stated that there was a probability of the present Inspector of Nuisances being replaced by another, and that as a match, as regards size, could not possibly be guaranteed, the clothes might ultimately be thrown on the Council as comparatively useless. Agreeing with this view of the case, the Mayor, seeing there was an equality of votes, decided aganist the motion, which was there-

fore lost lie not cast down, O Auckland's Inspector of Nuisances ! but remember that every inspector has his day. If you find that your dismissal and the condemnatory decree of the Council are more than you can hear, I trust you will follow this piece of advice, which T assure you is intended to be as consolatory as it is pathetic : Shave your head, place your feet in a basin of cold water, t<ske a box of Holloway's pills, and while your teeth are chattering with cold, endeavour to repeat, with clear articulation, the words, Damnant quod non intelligunt.

Provincialism is moribund. It is like k a man who, instead of being in his prime., through a life of recklessness, dissipation, and extravagance, finds himself tottering on the brink of the grave, his last hours being rendered all the more bitter by the thought that when he shall have sunk into the abyss of eternity not one tear will moisten the sod that covers him. FITZSMYTHB.