LUNAR OBSERVATIONS.

Tuapeka Times, Volume III, Issue 178, 6 July 1871, Page 7

LUNAR OBSERVATIONS.

By Balloon Post.-< Delayed in ■ Transmission.

(From Temple Bar.)

One bright earth-light night, a lady -whose age defied conjecture, though her appearance was of the kind described as "beautiful for ever," was sitting at her work in the window of a pretty semi-detached villa residence in the moon. On a stool at her feet squatted a little old man, who was evidently the master of the house, and the slave of the lady.

Suddenly the latter gave a convulsive start, and dropped her embroidery. "What in the moon's the matter with you ?" cried her anxious spouse. " Quick," she gasped, " my operaglass. I know it — I feel it. There's one of those horrid Professors looking at me again — the impertinent thing ; and to think of your sitting there, and allowing your wife to be insulted before your very eyes !" " But, darling, I can't " "Oh ! don't talk to me ! If I've told you once, I've told you eight-and-twenty times, to make arrangements for going off at a tangent, and getting out of the way of that detestable earth. Apart from the horrid mono-tony-of the thing, there's not a place here where I can escape from those vulgar creatures, who haven't manners enough to avoid staring at a lady." " But you often stare at them, dear."

"Oi* course I do, but that's quite different. Besides, an opera-glass isn't a telescope, and it's absurd of you to suppose that it is." " Yes, it was very stupid of me. But perhaps they stare because they're so struck with your beauty."

" Struck !" she echoed, indignantly ; "I'll strike them." And eager to make an example of one of them, she quickly threw her glance over one hemisphere till it rested on London, and at last she caught the eye of a Professor, who was busily engaged in making what is called a spectacle analysis of her; and so fiercely did she stare back at him, that the poor little man became a raving lunatic on the spot, and never made any more spectacle analyses. " Poor beggar !" said the other Pro-

fessors. " Serve him right," said the woman in the moon. " That makes three this month." And she made a little notch on her glass, to show that she had scored him off.

Somewhat mollified by her success, she began to look about; partly to see if she could catch any more Professors, partly to amuse herself. Her eye was arrested by a number of extraordinary objects which were jerking about at one end of the town ; but at first she could make nothing of them. She cleaned the glasses on her husband's cuffs, but it made no difference.

"The nasty creatures," she exclaimed, "to huddle themselves together in the middle of all that smoke. I wonder how they can live. But bless the people," she went on, as she gradually began to distinguish them, "why can't they walk upright, and look a little less like broken-down wasus ?"

" That, my dear, is the pride that apes humility ; in fact, the celebrated and much-admired ' Grecian bend,' I heard some gentlemen in a balloon singing aboat it."

" Grecian ! Who ever saw a Greek woman make herself so ridiculous as that? It's little more than two thousand years since you used to rave about the elegance of their dress, with its graceful folds and loose girdle. What a memory you must have, to suppose that they strangled their waists like that ! And look at the feet of these creatures. What do they mean by stumping along on pegs instead of walking ?"

"They like to make impression everywhere, without being fast."

" Keep your stupid jokes for a less disgusting subject, and tell me if the Greek ladies used to put pegs in their sandals and tilt themselves forward. Why, we should as soon have thought of seeing the Pyramids with a slant like the Tower of Pisa, and trotting along wrong way up, But how do these people manage to get on their boots ?" " Just as you get on a roof — by climbing." " Nonsense !"- ; "It's a fact, and they carry two little paniers to be lifted up in, one for each boot." " Well, as you know so mnch about them," she went on, still looking through her glass, " perhaps you'll tell me why they wear those great lumps of horsehair, or something like it, on their heads ?" . " They think that the chevelure must come from cheval," he answered ; but he was sorry for it the next moment, when he received a smart box on the ear.

" Now, then, you'll "be serious, and answer my question properly." Yes, my dear, certainly, he replied, very humbly. "Til tell you all I know about it, and I'll tell you exactly as I heard it sung by a balloon party. First -come the questions : — 'Pray why do pretty English girls, With figures straight and tall, Affect the ugly "Grecian Bend" {Not Grecian after all)? •• Why do .they choose such crooked ways, And only sp«>ak in gnsns. And draw the laces of their stays • lake ill-conditioned waaps ?

• Pray why do pretty English girls, WMi step so light and airy, And delicate feet so small and neat That well might grace a fniry — Ah ! why do they prefer to wrench Their ankles out of joint, And stump along on cribbage pegs Which seem to havd no p int ? ' Pray why do pretty English girls, With tresses soft and long, And ringlets fair of golden hair So famed in poet's song — Why do they think it fine to wear A thing bo coarse and stale, And place right on each woman's head A left-off horse's tail ?' The chorus, of which I don't quite remember the words, gives the obvious answers to all these questions." "And what is that 1" "The poor things are afraid of tumbling backwarks !" "And so?" " And so they must have thight harness and lean well foward; and they must get a good firm hold of the ground ; and, above all, they want a nice cushion of hair to savfe a nasty concussion of the brain ?" " And why are they afraid of tumbling backwards ?" "Because they've been completely thrown off their balance ?" " How ?" " My dear," he answered solemnly, "if their votes and their Married Woman's Property Acts, and their doctresses and their proctresses, and their woman's rights and wrongs concoctrcsses, aren't enough to upset any woman's equilibrium, perhaps you'll be good enough to tell me what would." "At last you've given me a sensible answer. But that dosen't explain their painting their faces. Surely they can't expect to deceive anybody by it, for I can see the powder from I here." " Yes ' they think they look blooming, but they only look blue." Here a wild burst of melody greeted their ears, and put a stop to the conversation :

" Uppy nev bcrloon, boya, Tippy ncr bcrloon, Oh ! it's awful jolly To go sailing round the moon." At the same time a dark object loomed between them and London, which they soon perceived to be a large baloon full of Professors, who were eating bread and cheese and playing practical jokes, in the cause of science, upon cats and rabbits. " This is most disgusting ! " exclaimed the lady. " Not content with prying into our domestic arrangements, they are actually coming to call without any sort of introduction, singing their ribald son^s at our very door, while you sit here no better than a great earth calf. Are you man enough to lock the front door? " "The key has been mislaid, dear, if you remember, since you threw it at me." " Then run and tell them wore not at home." The little man obeyed with great alacrity, and found the Professors in the act of disembarking from their balloon. "My wife says we're not at home !" " Oh ! we merely called to inquire what you are really made of, and what lights you use," said a Professor, as he finished his bread md cheese, and wiped bis knife on a rabbit. " Can you spare us a bit of green chees !" asked a second, who was eating dry bread. "If the moon's a moderator lamp, where's your stand ?"temarked a third, pensively. " But seriously," proceeded the first, "is it true that you burn Co-op, candles ?" "We tried them on the 6th of January." " The night of the eclipse !" soliloquised the learned man, who was " posted up" in almanacks. Aud now tell me, once for all (and remember that what you say may be used against you), what can — "

" What can you want here ?" burst in the lady, ruuning out in a passion when sh» saw them infringing her patent by bullying her husband. " Oh ! if you please, ma'am," said the Professor, changing his tone, "we so wish to know what candles you use ?" " Wax for a fortnight, and wane for a fortnight," she ansewred decisively. " Yes, of course," said the Professor, knowingly, " but whose wane ?" " Charles's wain !" said she, shortly. But which Charles ?" he stammered, quite bewildered. " The son, of course !" and she banged the door in their faces. "I always told you fellows that they got their light from the «m»," ' said the Professor, reassured ; which was quite true. There was nothing more to be said, and the exepdition went back home again, just about as wise as before. A company has been formed in Massachusetts for the manufacture of movable horseshoes, to be taken off at night and put on again in the morning. At Land-hill, Kentucky, Dr. A. P. Pownall walked with a Baptist minster into a creek in order to be publicly baptised, but getting out of his depth, j and being unable to swim, he was j drowned in the presence of his young wife, to whom he had recently been married. Sermons have been preached in some of the Auckland churches warning people against being led into excesses by the present gold mania.