FACETIAE.

Tuapeka Times, Volume III, Issue 146, 24 November 1870, Page 7

FACETIAE.

The Raging Main. — AcoGk-fight. Stern Necessity. — A ship's rudder. Don't go to church with a cough, and disturb the rest of the congregation ? The latest method of scraping an acquaintance is to act as assistant at a Turkish bath. Chicago threatens to employ women as police-" men" to deal with petticoated .offenders. At the Kansas State Fair a trained elk is to coutest in trials of speed against $he crack nags. The clergy live by our sins, the njedieal faculty by our diseases, and the Jaw gsntry by our misforfuues. A Japanese gentleman, aged twentyeight years, has a small family of thirtythree sons and four scoure and eight daughters, A lady, whose home is on tlje prairies, says farming "is mighty easy for men and horses, but it's death on women and oxen." A young lady of Jowa lately walked twenty miles to get a tooth extracted, and returned to her home by the same ■" conveyance." Wepidell Phillips is uot afraid of the Chinese. *3e .thinks America lf can digest the whole human race if they don't come too fast." IJusticus," in commenting on the present style of female coiffure, says :—"lfc: — "Ifc must be a very poor soil that requires so much dbp dressing." MrrfPartington is anxious to know, if the compass has a needle and thirty-two points, how long it will take a woman to make a shirt with it. One of our exchanges says : — "Children are not so well behaved since their mothers have taken to wearing high buttoned boots'" The slipper was much handler. " Plind for fifty years and the father of eight children," was the placardfastened around the neck of a young girl who was soliciting alms in the streets a few days ago. Massachusetts' shoemakers are on strike, and have resolved to hold out to the "last" if their demands are not complied with. Do they expect to " wax" fat in the end? The mothers in-law of Brigham Young have formed themselves into a co-opera-tive society, the object being to compel Brigham to "do equal and exact justice to all his wives ." Johnny is just beginning to learn geography. He says the Poles liye partly at one end of the globe, and partly at the other. He knows it is so, beGause it is marked on the map. "No vehicle drawn by more than one animal is allowed to cross this bridge in opposite directions at the same time," is inscribed on a sign on a bridge over the Platte river at Denver, Col. A stranger says he can't see why racing men should be so particular about a quarter of a second at the end of a race when they keep people waiting half an hour for the beginning. A frisky youth of sixty-three at Erie, Pa., has ensnard the affections of a gushing maiden of seventy-four, and they have eloped. Their parents are mad about their marrying so young. An obituary notice in one of our exchanges closes thusly :—": — " His personal appearance was commanding, and his friends were very extensive both in Michigan and Connecticut." A Hint for Tedious " Preachers. —A great deal of gossip has been occasioned at Pensford in consequnce of an amusing episode that occured in a place of worship in the neighbourhood the other Sunday evening. It appears-that the minister of the chapel was holding forth to a respect.able congregation, and being rather lon| in his sermon some of his hearers t began to get impatient, when, to the great surfprise all present, an elderly matron sitting in the body of the chapel called nut in a clear shrill, voice, " Cut it short Mr. — i it only wants five minutes to 8 " Great difficulty was expre|enoed by those present in keeping their risible faculties in s\ibjection, while the effect on the oratorical powers of the preacher was magical, in fafcfc it proved " quite a settler, for he j£mnc&ia*o\y g aTe O ufc the doxology, and The r me£l!bg waa brought to a tapeedy.-;t apeedy.-; ferminatipn, — " Bristol Mercury*" ",