OLD PETER PIPER RESUSCITATED.

Tuapeka Times, Volume II, Issue 80, 21 August 1869, Page 3

OLD PETER PIPER RESUSCITATED.

Sir, — I was not a little amused at seeing my friend S.andy hastening to my house last Saturday morning with a copy of the " Times " in hi 3 hand, aud with a woe-begone countenance, as if some fearful calamity had befallen the neighbourhood. I began to think over the probabilities and improbabilities of what the particular ceilamity could possibly be, and I could think of nothing at the time but the condition of the great dam and the safety of good old Bryan. I was not, however, kept long in suspense. On entering my house Sandy looked as white as a sheet, and he could just stammer out, " Oh, Peter, yer no dead ! ye were thoucht to be dead, as we hae'na heard o' ye this lang time ; an' here's yer funeral dirge and epitaph in the paper." "Well, JSandy, I am sure I am much obliged to you and my friends in the outer world for the interest you take in my welfare. The fact is, Sandy, I have just made myself snug in my winter quarters. I hnd that 1 require a little time to take stock of what I hgve laid up against that day when ifc will be said with truth that old Peter is. I find it beneficial to see where I stand in this respect, and I intended to have appropriated a little more time for that purpose had you not awoke me out of my delightful reverie. I have had the satisfaction, however, of seeing my "dirge and epitaph" — a pleasure which, some have had, but very few. Among those who have both seen and read a critique on their life, and the lamentations of a grateful people, was the late Lord Brougham, who was as great a man in his day as old Peter ; aud he lived upwards of twelve years after it was announced in all the morning papers that his lordship was no more. Now, Sandy, you can tell me what is going on in the outside world, for I must confess I have not been taking notes as I have done previously." "Ou ay," quoth Sandy. " Yell ken the Parliament of New Zealand is sitting, and that great changes are to take place in regard to the runs ; that the sheep are to occupy the Tuapeka district again ; that the Emperor of the French is safer in his seat than ever ; that the Americans are going to annex Canada, and to make England into a cabbage garden ; that they are going to Japan, and will take Australia on their way, and that in consequence of these annexations they will take New Zealand for a whaling station ; that Driver has got in for Roslyn ; and lastly that " Muggins " has signed the pledge. These are a few of the leading events. Hoo-ray for the Americans !!" " Now don't insult me in my own house, Sandy. lam thoroughly British ; there is not a drop of half-dyed Yankee blood in my veins. I am aware there is a good deal of disaffection towards England in the States, but of course there is a good deal of ruffianism there as well as in England ; yet the great bulk of the people are averse to any Bteps being taken which would lead to a war between the two countries. If they do go to war the god of armies will prosper our cause, which is the cause of truth and justice ; but I am utterly at a loss to

comprehend your sympathy with the American filibusters —a self-reliant-policy man like you ! why, Sandy, if I had a regiment of noble-looking fellows like you I would hold New Zealand against all comers ; and nothing would give me greater pleasure than offering you a commission either as a general or a gomeral ; if you are not fit for the one you would come in for the other." " Yer always paying compliments, Peter; but if the regiment was all o' my mind when the Americans land, they will see the backs o' the most sensible fellows that ever wore arms." "But you have not told me, Sandy, what the Americans will do with Scotland ; perhaps you will get a ' consideration ' for it, as you did for a king once upon a time." " Weel, as to the king, he was like a quid many mair o' that class — dear at ony price ; an' as for oor country, the ' land o' cakes,' it is of great commercial value." "And what might you expect for your share, Sandy ? Yoji are a ' laird,' so I suppose you will expect to be made a J.P., or some snug billet provided for you ; men like you are always on the look out for preferment. You are a good judge of whisky, I believe." "A weel, a'mno a tee-totaller ; but yer passing compliments again, Peter. But I maun bid ye quid day the noo ; am glad yer no dead, ony way.' Old Peter Pipee. Wetherstones Braea. [We insert the above, although vre still are in doubt whether our venerable contributor is in the land of the living or not. It is a debateable matter whether any man who has had his epitaph published has any business to assert his continued vitality ; and spiritualism has attained such perfection that even a longer effusion than the above can be obtained from a mahogany table. Mr. Muggins requests us to state that the assertion regarding him is, in the words of Mrs. Gamp, ' ' a baidgo calomel."— Ed. "T.T."]