FUN AND FANCY

Star (Christchurch), Volume XLIV, Issue 193, 15 August 1931, Page 9

FUN AND FANCY

The Vicar: “Do you believe in dreams?” Willoughby: “I used to, sir, but I don’t now.” “ And why not?” “ I married one of ’em five years ago.” “ Your clerks seem to be in a good humour,” remarked the friend of a merchant. " Yes,” replied the merchant. “My wife has just been in, and it tickles them to death to see somebody order me about.” “ Did you enjoy your long holiday, Mrs Jones?” “ I don’t understand you, child. I haven’t been away.” “ Oh, but mummie told daddy that you and Mr Jones had been at loggerheads for a month! ” AS OLD AS THE “HILLS.” A census official asked a spinster how •old she was. The old maid blushed and promptly refused to tell. The official explained ae gently as he could that the age must be given; but the lady was adamant. Seeking another method of approach the man remarked: “Your neighbours told me their ages.” “What,” said the spinster, “did the Hill girls tell how old they are?” “All right,” on being answered in the affirmative, “put me down as old as the PEtills.” ALL FAKE. A Scottish ghillie who had accompanied an elderly and corpulent Englishman on a fishing expedition, returned * alone, and announced that the angler had fallen into the river and was drowned. “The first time he cam* up,” related the ghillie, “I grippit him by the hair, •but it was a wig, and cam’ awa’ in ma hand, and doon he sank; he came up again, and I grippit him by the collar, but it was a dickie, and doon he sank; a third time he cam* up, and I grippit him by the leg, och, but it was a cork leg and cam’ awa* in ma hand, and doon he sank again, so I saye to meseF, ‘Well, ana chappie, I’ll let ye droon, ye’re naething but a fake.’ ”

“You say these watches cost you 5/ and you sell them for 4/6; where do you Sjet your profit?” Jeweller: “By repairing Mrs. Click: Then she doesn’t know Miss Swift to speak to? Mrs. Clack: Not quite. Only well enough to talk about. Green: You said you always had the last word with your wife, but since I’ve been here she’s continually ordered you about. Brown: Ido have the last word. Didn’t you hear me say ‘All right’?” Visitor: What is that new building you have put up on the hill there? Farmer: Well, if I find a tenant for it, it’s a bungalow; if I don’t, it’s a barn. Mother: No, Willie; for the third time, you can’t have another penny. Willie (in despair): I don’t see where dad gets the idea that you’re always changing your mind. Sailor: Before I marry Jane I want to get something off my chest. Cook: What is it? Sailor: A tattooed heart with Lucy’® name on it. Mess Officers: Any complaints? Private: Yes, this bread is stale. M. 0.: Stale! Look how the soldier® used to eat it in the war. Private: Yes, but it was fresh then. During his first curacy a clergyman found the ladies too helpful. He soon left. Some time later he met his successor. “How are you getting on with the ladies?” asked the escaped curate. “Oh, very well,” was the answer. “There’s safety in numbers.” “I found it •n Exodus,” was the reply. Monica, ultra-modern, perfumed and dressed in the very latest style, dashed into her husband’s study. “I’m going to look at the newest hats,” she said. “Darling,” said her husband, “it’s Sunday. All the shops are shut. Pull yourself together.” “My dear old sleepy old thing,” she said, “shops be hanged. I’m going to church.”

“On just such a night as this, darling, you proposed to me. Do you remember?” “Yes, beastly night, isn’t it?” NO CHANGE. “It’s three years since I was in this city,” said the stranger, as he finished his dinner. “I don’t find much alteration.” “I don’t find much change, either,” said the waiter, as he picked up the penny that was left under the plate.” FIXED IT UP. Elderly Lady: Did you see anything of a white cat? Small Boy: Yes, it fell into a barrel of black paint down the street, but I fixed it up all right. “Oh, you good little boy! What did you do?” “I threw it into a barrel of white? wash.” SHE WILL SUIT. The servant was applying for a situation at a lady’s house. The lady came to the door, also her little boy. “What made you leave your other place?” asked the lady. The servant replied': “I was sacked.” “Why was that?” asked the lady again. “Because I forgot to wash the kids every morning,” said the servant. Then the little boy shouted: “Engage her at once, mother. She will do.” MAKING SURE. They were waiting on the platform for the morning train. “By the way,” said Roberts, thoughtfully, “Jack wants to borrow fifteen pounds from me. Is he good for that amount ?” “Yes, I think so,” returned his friend, “with proper securities, of course.” “What securities would you suggest?* asked Roberts.

His friend laughed bitterly. “A watchdog, a pair of handcuffs, and a couple of smart Scotland Yard men,” he said.

E 111 IH EEJ §3 ® HI 111 HI HE ® ® ® HI SI © HI HI HI d UNBIASED. Mrs. Green: Yes, Mrs. there’s Mrs. Smith; her Tommy’s been and broken a winder again, and she says he ain’t done it. Mrs. O’Sulla van: Yes, ehe always says that. Now, I’d own up to faults in my childer—if they had any. BOTH MUGGY. Northerner: How’s th’ weather voui way ? Southerner: Muggy. Northerner: And the wife? Southerner: About th’ same. CHARITY. “Good-morning, Miss Smythe. We are getting up a raffle for a bedridden old widow. Would you take a ticket ?” “But what on earth can one do with her if cme wins her?” A FRIENDLY GESTURE. Future Owner: Can you give me any idea when this house will be finished? You see, I have arranged to be married as soon as it is complete. Builder (sympathetically): Don’t worry, sir. We’ll hang the job out as long as we can! A KIND ACTION A Jew, wishing to have a joke at a tramp’s expense, asked him: “Vat vould you do if I gave you a £1 note?” “Lord lumme, sir, I would' drop dead.” replied the tramp. “Then I will save your life,” said the Jew, walking quickly away. A WARNING. The salesman was doing his best to dispose of a motor cycle and side car outfit, but the prospective customer hesitated, so the salesman enlarged upon the “pay-as-you-ride” plan of instalments. “I’ll take the outfit,” said the other. “But feinember, I’m a very slow rider.” ON HIS HEAD. First Boy: Me father’ll get inter a tidy row when me muther comes ’ome. a’n sees wot ’e’s done. Second Boy (seriously): Wot’s ’e done ? First Boy: ’E’s been fillin’ a form up they’ve brought, an’ ’e’s put ’irnself as ’ead of th’ house.