FUN AND FANCY

Star (Christchurch), Issue 19258, 20 December 1930, Page 19 (Supplement)

FUN AND FANCY

Dan: “1 just been along to see poor William— 'e've swallowed ’is collar stud ’an the doctor can’t find it.” Ben: “Ah! Then ’e‘ll ’ave to buy another one.” “Did you strike this man in an excess of irascibility?” “No, sir; I hit him in the stummick.” Manager (to customer) : “Yes, I can confidently say that our goods are being pushed all over the country.” Customer* “Why, what are they?” “Perambulators.” “I have tickets for the theatre.” Good! 1 will start dressing at once.” “Do, dear; they are for to-morrow night.” Dora: “What shall I sing for vcu, Jack?” Jack: “Have you a song with a refrain?” “Yes.” “Well, then, please refrain.” He: “Once and for all, I demand to know who is the master in this house?” bhe. “You will be happier if you don’t find out.” Boy: “Dad, what are ancestors?” Father: “Well, I'm one of yours and your grandpa is another.” “Then why do people brag so much about them?” “I want to buy an alarm clock which will awaken the maid without disturbing the other members of the household.” “Sorry, madam, but that kind is not yet on the market. The only alarm clocks are those which awaken everyone in the household except the maid.”

A Yankee tried chutney for the first time. He had helped himself too generously from a bottle belonging to a missionary who had the genuine article from India, and Earned his American friend that it was “warm stuff.” After a large “swallow” the novice looked very unhappy, and the tears rolled down his cheeks. When at length he recovered himself and was able to speak, he turned a reproachful look on the missionary. “You say you are a missionary?” he inquired, pathetically. “That is so.” “And you believe in hell fire?” “I do.” “No doubt you do; but I’m darned if you’re not the first missionary I ever heard of who took samples round with him.” He: “You grow more beautiful every day.” She: “You exaggerate too much, Jack.” “Well, every other day, then.” Ike: “The doctor said I needed a change of air.” Mike: “And what did the missus say to that?” “Oh, she just bought a new record for the phonograph.” “ ’Ullo, ’Enrv, wot's ’appened?” “Wot’s appened? I’ll tell yer wot’s ’appened. I 'appened to leave my pot of varnish on the kitchen table, and the missus ’appened to be making treacle pudden. That’s wot ’appened ! ” Passenger: Do you stop at the Hightone Hotel, conductor? ’Bus Conductor: Not on mv wages, ma’am. The husband had gone on a fishing expedition, and one morning landed such a fine specimen that he immediatelv telegraphed to his wife: “Got one. Weighs 71b. A beauty.” lie received in reply from his wife: “Have also got one. Weighs 101 b. Not a beauty. Resembles you. Come home.” He: Don’t bring me any bills; I can’t face them. She: You needn’t, darling; I only want you to foot them.

Mabel: “So you have broken off the engagement. Have you returned his ring?” Amy: “No! That -wouldn't be reasonable. Of course, I have changed my opinion of George, but I admire the ring as much as ever.” “This village boasts a choral society,” I understand,” said the visitor. “It has a choral society,” said the native, “but we never boast of it.” Social Bore: “Have any of your family connections ever been traced?” Bright Lad: “Yes, the police traced an uncle of mine once.” Referee: “Gentlemen, on my right, Battling Ned, son of the local undertaker.” Ned’s Opponent: “That’s enough—l’m off.” Teacher: “Can any boy tell me the earliest reference in history to a theatre?” Tommy: “Yes, teacher; we read in the Bible that Joseph was taken from the family circle and put into the Pit-" Young Man: “Good afternoon, Mr Richly.” Richly: “Good afternoon. That’s a tremendous dog you’ve got with you.” “Yes, he’s a Siberian bloodhound. He’s very fierce, and if anyone even looks crossly at him he makes a rush for them. He’s too dangerous to keep, and I’m getting rid of him soon. Oh, by the way, Mr Richly, your daughter has just accepted me, and I’ve come to ask your consent.” “Er—of course, my dear fellow. I’m delighted to give it. Come to dinner this evening, will you ? ”

An ardent Christian scientist was doing his best to persuade a sick friend that there was nothing the matter with him. The sick man became so impatient that he said, “Look here! Supposing a man has nothing the matter with him, and he dies of it; what didn’t he have the matter with him ?” He had arrived home hungry after a hard day’s work, and was determined to enjoy the evening meal. His wife sat opposite. “George, I wish you would eat your peas with your fork.” “Good gracious, Maggie, you’ll be wantin’ me to ’ave me dinner with me collar on next!” Irate landlord (to couple who are taking a walk on his property) : “Now, then, can’t you read?” Amorous Youth: “Oh, yes, we can read well enough.” “Then go to the end of this road, and read the sign there.” “We have read it. It says ‘Private,’ and that’s just why we came down here.” {•: Highbrow (softly) : It’s a complex life. Lowbrow: Eh ! Why ? Highbrow: Some wives are starved, and others are fecLup. Waiter: The gentleman says his chop isn’t fit for a pig. Proprietor: Then take it away, you fool, and bring him one that is. He: I used to think . She: What made you stop? Fond Father: The man who marries my daughter, sir, wins a prize. Guest: Is it a money prize, or just a silver cup? Johnny was bored with the dictation lesson. “Why are you not writing?” asked the teacher. “Haven’t got no pen,” said the boy. “Where’s your grammar?” snapped the teacher. “She’s dead,” replied Johnny.