FUN AND FANCY

Star (Christchurch), Issue 19120, 12 July 1930, Page 19 (Supplement)

FUN AND FANCY

“Don’t you think it's rather conceit- j ed to say George has a tender spot for you?” “Not at all. You sea, father kicked him down the front steps last, night.” Mrs Schmidt: “What! You have had fourteen cooks in three months?” Mrs Broune: “Yes; and. fapcvy I didn't please any of them! ” *"■' is :: Patricia: “I confided the secret of our engagement to three of my dearest friends.” Irene: “Three all told?” “Yes; all told.” The Wife: “A little bird told me that 3'ou were going to bin*- me a diamond brooch for my birthday.” Her Hubby: “It must have been a little lyre-bird.” The “ best man ” thought he would take a look at the room where the presents were displayed. Unhappylooking, he saw a youth wandering about, looking miserably at silver and cut glass without seeing them. The “best man” hardly knew how to approach him. “ Er —have you kissed the bride?” he asked at last. “ Not lately,” was the reply.

Mistress (to new maid) : “ Why, it seems to me you want very large wages for one who has had so little experience.” Maid: “Sure, mum, ain’t it harder for me when I don't know how?” They sat at table, he and she, and gazed into each other's eyes, what time he mechanically consumed the food which was set before him. “ Ah,” she said, “ I am glad you like it. Mother says that there are only two things I can make properly—potato salad and marmalade tart.” “Indeed!” said he. “ Which is this ? ” A teacher had been talking to the class about the ginea-pig, and, describing it, observed, “It has no tail to speak of.” Later the pupils were requested to write an essay on this animal, and the following is an extract from one paper: “ The guinea-pig is a small animal covered with fur. It has a tiny tail, but \*ou must not speak about it.”

The teacher was in a none too pleasant mood. “Jones,” he roared, “why were you absent yesterday?” The reply was: “ Please, sir, I went to my brother’s wedding.” “ And whom did he marry?” “A woman, sir.” “Idiot!” 3’elled the teacher, “ did you ever hear of anyone marrying a man?” “ Y r es, sir; my sister.” :: Pat entered the dairy. “ What can I do for you?” asked the man behind the counter. “ I want a dozen eggs laid by a black hen,” said Pat. The dairyman replied that he could not possibly tell an egg laid by a black hen from one laid by a bird of any other colour. “If you can,” he went on, “ you had better pick them out for yourself.” Pat set to and picked out the eggs from a large basket which the dairyman put before him. When he had finished, the man asked him how he could distinguish eggs laid by a black hen. “ Oh,” shure, man ! ” answered Pat. “ They’re always the biggest! ” “ Little Johnnie is rather cross this morning,” said the doctor, “ but that is a good sign. It shows that he is convalescing.” “ According to that,” said Johnnie’s mother. “my husband • must be recovering from a severe illness. There's just no living with that man.”

• j “Brown’s cow got into my garden, ■ j and ate all the grass oft the lawn.” : “What did he do about it?” “He sent ; , me a bill for using his cow as a lawn | mower.” ; Small Boy: “Take me to the pictures, Mother, will yer?” Mother: “Now, haven’t yer just been an' had yer hair cut’ You’re always a-crayin’ after amusement.” - The mayor hurried in to the gathering and exclaimed, apologetically, “I am sorry to have kept you waiting, but I have been addressing a board meeting.” “I can quite believe that it was,” said a voice from the crowd. Mike was engaged to do a job of painting for Mr Smith. After a while he arrived, saying that the job was completed, and asked for his money. “ But, Mike, I wanted two coats on that building. 11l pay you after the second coat,” said Mr Smith. “ You’ve got it,” said Mike. “ I mixed the first coat with the paint for the second and put on both coats at the same time. Speed is my motto.”

A woman teacher, trying to explain the meaning of the word “slowly,” illustrated it by walking across the floor. When she asked the class to tell her how she walked, she nearly fainted when a boy at the foot of the class shouted, “Bow-legged, ma’am! ” The conceited new arrival at the boarding-house was being shown to his room. “I presume—ah—everyone in this establishment dresses for dinner?” he enquired affectedly of the maid who was taking him up. “Oh, yes, sir,” replied the girl, smiling. “Any meals in bed is extra! ” “I don’t believe you know what a bachelor is,” said Mary’s governess, as her small pupil wrote the word. “Yes, I do,” said Mary. “A bachelor is a very happy man.” “How do you know that?” asked the governess. “Father told me,” said Mary.

They were discussing the relative merits of their wives, when one of them remarked: “My wife looks after me, I can assure you. Why, she takes off my boots for me in the evening.” “Ah! When you come home from the club?” suggested the other. “No—when I want to go there.” The. airport inspector was checking the air liner prior to her outward flight. “If you haven’t a ticket for that boy, madame, you'll have,to pay,” said he. “I shall do nothing of the kind,” said the lady alongside. “But you must obey the rules,” persisted the inspector. “How old is the boy?” “I don't know,” answered the lady. “I’ve never set eyes on him before.” The two men were walking along Piccadilly when they came to an art shop in which were displayed pictures . of famous men of the past. One picture was of a well-known musician with a rather unusual flow of long ; hair. “I say,” said one of the men, • studying the picture carefully, “doesn’t ; lon S make a fellow look intelliS ent ! In some cases,” agreed his friend; “but my wife found some long • | hair on my overcoat the other night, ; I and it made me look absolutely foolI ish.”