FUN AND FANCY

Star (Christchurch), Issue 19060, 3 May 1930, Page 28 (Supplement)

FUN AND FANCY

He: “Do you play golf?” She: * Oh, dear, no; I don’t even know how to hold the caddie.’*

« » Lady (at home): “Why didn’t you invite them both in?” Maggie Murphy: “Shure, mum, an’ you didn’t want two to come in one one ticket, did you?”

Visitor (in country hotel): “Wonder you don’t change the name of this hotel to the ‘Prince of Wales’s’!” Proprietor: “Why?” “Well, there were three feathers in my bed, anyway! ” ♦'« •• “Mamma, I want some water to christen my doll.” “No, dear. You should not make fun of such things.” “Well, then, I want some wax to waxinate her; she’s old enough to have something done.” a “See here, sir,” cried the irate patron, want to complain about the waiter rupted the proprietor of the restaurant. “Glad?” “Yes; it’s a relief to hear a complaint that isn’t about the food.” Earnest Inquirer (collecting statistics for a work on temperance): “And how many glasses of beer would you—er—consume in a day?” The Person: “Well, I can’t say, guv-nor. Some days I 'as about twenty or thirty, an’ then again, another day, perhaps I might 'ava quite a lot.” k :: They were discussing insomnia. It was suggested that a glass of Scotch whisky every half-hour was an excellent remedy. “Will that cure it?” said the victim. “No,” replied the other, “but it makes it a pleasure to stay awake.”

Bill: “But you said Miss Eversharp sang beautifully.” Bob: “No, I didn’t.” **What did you say?” *T said she was M beautiful singer.” Mr Spouter: “An heirloom, Johnnie, is something that’s handed down from father to son.” Little Johnnie: “That’s a funny name for trousers.” Young Wife: “How fortunate lam in possessing a husband who always stays at home in the evening!” Bosom Friend: “Yes. Your husband never was much addicted to pleasure.” Gertie (referring to her fiance): “George’s sudden mania for cocktails is making me anxious, Granny.” Granny : “I shouldn’t worry, dear. After all, it can’t last long. He’ll have to give it up when the moulting season starts.” “The longer I live,” sighed the sage, “and the more I learn, the more firmly am I convinced that I know absolutely nothing!” “I could have told you that twenty-five years ago,” said his wife, “but I knew it would be of no use.” “W r hy is it that so few people seem anxious to talk to Mr Carpin? He seems very well informed.” “That’s just the difficulty. He’s one of those dreadful men who know enough to correct your mistakes when you quote the classics and who doesn’t know enough not to do it.”

Jim was very much in love, but held back his proposal from sheer bashfulness. At last he decided to pop the question by telephone. “Mabel, I love you!” he gasped, his heart thumping. “Will you marry me?” There was a moment’s hesitation before the answer came. “Of course I will, Arthur. Why didn’t you come and ask me yourself?” Then Jim shouted back: “You’ll have to break the news to Arthur yourself. I'll be hanged if I will!”

Grocer: “I want a lad who’s not afraid of early hours.” Boy: “That’s me, sir. I don’t mind how early you close.” Teacher: “What is the meaning of the word ‘matrimony,’ Robert?” Robert: “Please miss, father says it isn't a word; it’s a sentence.” Diner: “Have you any oysters?” Waiter: “No, sir.” “Any crabs?” “No, sir.” “Any lobsters?” “No, sir.” “Haven’t you any shell fish at all?” “Only eggs, sir.” Two modern little girls, on their way home from Sunday school, were solemnly discussing the lesson. “Do you believe there is a Devil?” asked one. “No,” said the other promptly. “It’s like Santa Claus; it’s your father.” “I hear,” remarked the lady to her chauffeur upon his return from a journey, “that Mr S insulted you by offering you a drink?” “It’s quite true,” returned the man. “Didn’t you resent the insult?” “I didn’t exactly resent it, ma’am—l swallowed it!” Absent-minded and impecunious Professor: “A debt collector, you say? Did you tell him I was out?” Factotum: “Yes, sir, but he wouldn't believe me.” Professor: “H’m! Then I suppose I shall have to go and tell him myself.”

Having gone to school just over a week, little Tommy arrived home one day and told his mother that he was sure his teacher loved him. “How do you know?” inquired his mother. “Why, mother, she always puts kisses after my sums.”

A customer in a teashop, after waiting twenty minutes, managed to catch the waitress's eye. “Can I see the manageress?” he inquired. “I have a complaint.” “Complaint I** exclaimed the girl, haughtily. “This is a cafe, not a nursing home! * S'! S'! S'S Client: "Your fee is exorbitant. It didn’t take you a day to do the work.” Lawyer: “It is my regular fee. lam not charging you for time, but for the cost of my legal education.” “Well, give me a receipt for the cost of your education, so that the next fellow won’t have to pay for it, too.” “Young man,” said the statesman, “I decHne to be interviewed in any circumstances whatever.” The hopeful reporter looked sad. “I always interview myself,” the statesman explained. “It is a great plan for avoiding mistakes. Just sit down and I will have your copy ready in about twenty minutes.” Simkins, who considered himself a humorist, sent a selection of his original jokes to a periodical, and confidently awaited a cheque. His excitement ran high when he received a letter. He opened it with feverish haste. There was no cheque, just a small note, as follows: “Dear Sir, —Your jokes received. Some we have seen before; some we have not seen yet.” Johnny was rather faddy about his food. He would pick out the parts of a plateful of food he liked and push the other to one side. His father did not care for these finicking habits, and one day at tea, observing that his son had eaten the soft parts of his toast and left the crust, he said, “When I was a little boy I always ate the crusts.” “Do you like them?” asked Johnny. “Yes,” replied his father. “You may have these, then,” replied Johnny, generously pushing his plate across the table.