FUN AND FANCY

Star (Christchurch), Issue 18938, 7 December 1929, Page 22 (Supplement)

FUN AND FANCY

D ... .. r .,,* -, v h v do you reject me>°’ le is there another fellow?" Bessie: “Possibly! . Did you think you were the last oi* the Naughty Tommy' ha'l escaped frorn his angrv mother, and hid himself under his bed. When father returned, she sent him upstairs with a birch. Father stooped down by the bed, and a voice underneath exclaimed. Ilallo father! Conte under! Is she after you, too ? ” v Headmaster: “Jones, you have again been caught in the act of flagrant disobedience. Your example to others is most injurious. In short, sir, you ,are going to the devil. Come with me. Editor (testing young new reporter): “Correct the following sentence: Before any damage could be done the fire was put out by the village fire brigade.' ” "Yes sir," replied the youth. “The fire was put out before any damage could be done by the village fire brigade.” A youth with a large mouth walked into a music shop to purchase a mouth organ. He was shown every make of mouth organ in the shop, but still was not satisfied. “Look here, said the assistant, “we shall have to measure for one. Just try your mouth along this piano.”

Granddad: “I don’t approve of all this lipstick business, Betty. Art cannot improve upon Nature.” Betty: “I don’t agree with you. Where on earth would you be without your false teeth ?” ss m “My memory is excellent! ” explained the old lady. “ But there are three things I can never remember: I can’t remember names, I can’t remember faces, and I can’t remember—l forget what the third thing is!” “Alabaster?” asked a young woman as the museum guide approached a statue. “ No,” he replied, with a slight lifting of the brows, “ Venus.” Dobson: “ Mr Smith’s left his umbrella again. I do believe he would leave his head if it were loose.” Robinson : “ I dare say your right. I heard him say only yesterday he was going to Switzerland for his lungs.” a “ I think, Harry,” said Mrs Barton. “ I’ll ask these new people next door to have dinner with us to-night.” “ What for?” asked her husband. “ Well, the butcher left their meat here by mistake, and it seems only fair.” niillllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllilllllllllllllllM

Old Lady (at restaurant) : “ I see that tips are forbidden here.” Waiter: “ Lor’ bless }*er, mum, so was apples in the Garden of Eden! Griggs: “ Popularity depends upon how we treat our friends.” Briggs: “ Yes, and how often.” First Typist: “ Miss Keen says she isn’t the least bit afraid of a mouse.” Second Typist: ‘‘l shouldn't think so, with her catty disposition.” x Office Visitor (a beautiful young woman) : “ Is Mr engaged? ” Secretary: “Well, he’s rather busy, but he’s always pleased to see pretty girls like you.” Visitor: “Is that so? Will you please tell him that his wife wants to see him ? ” “ I did what I could, Tony—l told her you had more money than sense.” ” W hat did she say?” “She asked if you had any money ! ” Bertie: "Papa, do they have doctors to treat pigs? ” Papa: “Yes, my son; only they are not called doctors, kut surgeons. Why do you ask. Bertie: "I was just wondering who cured bacon 1 ” An old sailor was telling his friends some of his experiences at sea. On his last voyage, he informed them, his ship was becalmed for two months, and not a single scrap of food or drink was left. Then what did you eat?” “Beef, wine, and an egg. The beef came from the bul-wark, the wine from the porthole. and the egg from the captain. He gave orders for the ship to lay to, and I had one of them.”

“ Mushmoors always grow in damp places, don't they, father?” \ es. “Is that why they look like umbrellas? ” “ Pardon me,” said the little man, “ but are you quite sure it was a marriage license you gave me on the tenth of March? ” The clerk prepared to turn up particulars. “I believe so, sir,” he said, “but why do you ask? “ Well. I’ve led a dog’s life ever since, that’s all.” % :: Solicitor: “ I should advise you to write this man a nice note and see what happens.” Client: “All right. I’ll do it. How do you spell ‘blackguard ’ ?” A father had been in the habit of warning his little daughter regarding her conduct during the day as he left home each morning. One morning, as he left, he kissed the little girl and said: “Now' be a good little girl." With an expectant smile she added: “And don't what? ” « « “I should have thought,” he said grumpily, “that as this is my birthday, you would consider my wishes and have lemon pudding.” “I’m sorry, dear.’ replied his wife, “ but your birth* day falls on the day we have the charwoman, and she prefers tapioca.”

Motorist: “Would you be good enough to look after my car while I do a bit of business?” Townsman : “Sir! I am the mayor of this town ! ” Motorist: “That doesn’t matter. You seem to me an honest man.” ?*• !** ii She: “ Did you see in the paper how some people were poisoned through eating chocolates?” lie:- “I fancy I did, but what about it?** “ Nothing, except that I was thinking —cr —how very safe we are!” Binks: “I wonder this rotten club doesn't drive you to matrimony.* Jinks: “My dear sir, matrimony drove me to this club.” A. woman entered a chemist’s shop and said: “I want some distemper, please.” “Yes, madam.” replied the assistant: “what colour do you want?” “I don’t know," said the woman, “but the dog’s a black and white one.” Mr Moggs: “ Making any progress towards getting acquainted with those fashionable people next door? ” Mrs Moggs: “Just a little. Their cat invited our cat over to a little singsong last night.”

Mr Newlywed: “If you were in my shoes, which would you prefer— boys or girls?” Mr Oldwed: “Boys! My daughters smoke my cigarettes! ” Plumber: “I’ve come to see your old geyser in the kitchen.” Child: “Mother, here’s a man to see cook.” Wife: “You should never take anything that doesn’t agree with you.” Husband: “If I had always followed that rule, Maria where would you be?” “ I’m afraid your husband is beyond help,” said the doctor to the wife. “ I can give no hope.” “ Here, you,” came a voice from the bed, “ I haven’t snuffed out yet.” “Keep quiet, dearie,” answered the wife. “ Leave it to the doctor; he knows best.” The small girl had been permitted to visit the vicars family and stay for dinner. Just as the clergyman had asked a blessing and they were about to commence the child said, “ That isn't the way my daddy asks a blessing.” “ And how does your daddy ask a blessing? ” he asked. “ Oh, he just says, 4 Good heavens, what a meal! * ” Sandy was engaged to a girl who, a few days before her nineteenth birthday, had her hair bobbed. All her girl friends congratulated her on her improved appearance, and it was therefore without any misgivings that she showed herself to her sweetheart. But Sandy viewed her with grave disapproval. “ It's hard on me, lassie,” he said, “ verra hard. After I’ve just bought ye a packet o’ hairpins foC! birthday.”