FUN AND FANCY

Star (Christchurch), Issue 18889, 12 October 1929, Page 22 (Supplement)

FUN AND FANCY

Barmaid: “What’s for you?” Motorist (absently): “ Three please. 44 Why do they call a girl’s lover her suitor?” “ Because he never does. * * * « 44 I’ve kept in this diary an account of all my quarrels.” “ Sort of a scrap book, as it were, eh?” x Teacher: 44 An epidemic is anything that spreads. Now, name epidemic.” Small Boy: ‘‘ Jam, sir!” Tramp: 44 Kind sir, I am penniless, starving, and my wife has left mef” Worried Husband: 44 Then what have you to complain about£” 44 So you propose to take my daughter from me without any warning?” 44 Not at all. If there is anything concerning her you want to warn me about, I’m willing to listen.” x k Doctor: 44 Well, Giles, how do you feel to-day?” Giles: “Very bad indeed, doctor. I wish Providence would be merciful and take me." Mrs Giles: 44 S’sh, John. You must take doctor’s medicine first.” She: 44 Mother asked me to object to the use of the word ‘obey’ in the ceremony when we are married.” He: 4 What did you tell her?” She: 44 1 said I’d let it stand. I told her you could take a joke as well as any man.”

She (coyly): “Is it dangerous to drive with one hand?” He (brutally): “You bet! More than one fellow has run into a church doing it.” x x x Girl: 44 What’s your opinion of these women who imitate men?” .Boy: 44 They're idiots.” 44 Then the imitation is successful.” x x k Mother: “Young Lady, I’m tired of spanking you, because it does no good. So I’m going to let your father do it now.” Little Muriel: 44 What are you goin* to do when daddy gets tired? " x x x Busily engaged in trying to harness a mule to a cart, Pat was using forcible language. A clergyman appeared on the scene. “Can I help you?” he asked Pat. 44 Yes,” was the reply. 44 Tell me how Noah got two of these beauties into the Ark.” x x When the doctor arrived he found the patient in tears. 44 Cheer up, my good man,” he said, 44 you’ll pull through all right! ” “ It's isn’t that, doctor,” groaned the patient, 44 but just think of the money I’ve spent buying apples to keep you away!” X X X Temperance Lecturer: “Now, suppose I had a pail of water and a pail of beer on this platform, and then brought on a donkey. Which of the two would he take?” Voice: 44 He’d take the water.” “And why would he take the water?” 44 Because he’s an

Mrs Breezy: “ There, I hit the nail on the head that time.” Hubby: 44 Why did you put your finger in your mouth?” 44 That was the nail I hit.”

Smiler: “ What’s the matter? You look sour.” Writer: 44 Why shouldn’t I? I wrote a column article on fresh milk, and the editor condensed it.”

The Bride: 44 You n-never seem to t-take any interest in anything I do.” The Bridegroom: “Don’t be unreason-

able, my dear. I couldn’t sleep last night for wondering what you put in that last cake you made.”

.An Irish labourer over-slept, and in his hurry to make up for lost time, put on his trousers wrong side foremost. It happened that there was an explosion at the works that day. When Tim was removed from the debris he was asked if he were hurt. “ No,” replied Tim, looking at his trousers, "but sure an' Oi got a fearful twist.”

Defending Counsel: 44 You say that the fence is eight feet high and that you were standing on the ground— not mounted on a ladder or anything?” Witness: “I do.” Counsel (triumphantly): Then perhaps you will kindly .explain how you, a man little over five feet, could see over a fence eight teet high and watch the prisoner’s action! Witness (calmlv): “There’s a hole in the fence.”

Madge: 44 W r hat do you think of a fellow who is constantly deceiving his wife?” Geoffrey : 44 He’s a marvel.” « X w Willie: 44 Mother, can me and John have some cake?” Mother: 44 Not unless you ask grammatically.” “ We *Jj then—Mother, can I have some cake? x X Boy: 44 What is college bred?” Pa (with son in college): 44 They make college bred, my boy, from the dour of youth and the dough of old age.” X X The Man: 44 Once upon a time I loved a girl just like you.” The Maid (sympathetically): “Did you lose her? The Man (sadly): “ No, I married her.' The Shy Lover: 44 Would it be wrong if I kissed your hand?” His Charmer: 44 Well, it would be rather out of place.” X X X Young Husband: “It seems to me that it is costing us a great deal to live.” Young Wife: 44 1 know it is, but I can’t imagine why. I always buy everything in very small quantities.” 44 1 can’t sleep at night, remarked Smith dolefully “ Insomnia, eh ? ” asked his friend. 44 Well, just imagine you are walking a tight rope a thousand feet from the ground. Step by step you advance on this tight rope.” 44 Yes?” Smith asked eagerly. 44 You’ll jolly soon drop off.”

“ Harold,” said his mother, severely, 44 why did you take two pieces of cake from the plate ? ” 44 Well, you see, mother, I had to. I was playing that I was twins.” X X X Hicks: “My wife is very methodical. She’s always got a place for everything, and everything in its place.” Timmins: “So has mine, but I can never find the place.” w X X Youth: “What is your idea of a successful man?” "A successful man il one who succeeds in making others think as well of him as he thinks of himself.” X X X Mabel: What makes you say Dick doesn’t love you as' much as he did? ” Freda: “After he’d said goodnight for the last time he didn’t come back to kiss me.” XXX Employer: “Now that we ha vs decided to give you a position, I don’t know of a better time to tell you that 4 early hours ’ are the rule in this establishment.” New Clerk: “That’s good, sir. You can’t close too early for me.” X X X 44 What a boy you are for asking questions,” said the exasperated father. * 44 I’d like to know what would have happened if I’d asked as many questions when I was a boy.” “ Perhaps," suggested the young hop* I ful, 44 you’d have been able to hav« [answered some of mine.”

44 And you say he is thoroughly up in his business?” “Certainly. He is an airman ” X X X Fay: “So he married his former wife’s sister ? ” May: 44 Yes; he didn’t want to break in another mother-in-law.” XXX It was the geography lesson. After various questions had been asked with a poor response, the t acher asked: “Where is Felixstowe?” Johnny immediately raised his hand, and exclaimed: 44 On Felix’s foot, sir.” X X X A sightseer noticed an aged rustic sitting before his cottage, and enquired: “ Have you always lived here? ” “Sir?” 44 Have you always lived here? ’* The peasant was still looking blank when his wife appeared in the cottage door. “He means, Silas, did you live here before you were born, or was you born after you moved here? “ XXX The new rector had preached his first sermon in his new parish. As ho made his way to the rectory an old farmer stopped him. 44 That be a foin sermon you’ve just give us, parson,” he said. “I hope they'll all be as good. But, there, bless yer, sermons are like rabbits. When yer goes to buy ’em, yer might get a thick ’un and a thin ’un, or yer might get two thin ’tins. But you never gets two thick 'uns together! ”