FUN AND FANCY.

Star (Christchurch), Issue 18496, 23 June 1928, Page 20 (Supplement)

FUN AND FANCY.

The owner of a country house was showing visitors over a superb library. “Do you ever lend books?” he was asked. “No,” he replied promptly; “only fools lend books.” Then waving his hand to a many-shelved section filled with handsomely bound volumes, he added, “All those books once belonged to fools! ” ♦«s *.• Mistress: “Martha, do you remember I told you I had lost my blue dress'' Well I have found it in your trunk. What have you to say?” Martha: "Oh. mum, how nice for you! So you haven’t lost it after all! Fancy that, now! Aren’t you lucky?” Servant (from next door) : Please, ma’am, mistress sends her compliments, and will you let your daughter sing and play the piano this afternoon?” Lady: “Why, certainly. Tell your mistress I'm glad she enjoys it.” Servant: “Oh, it isn’t that, ma’am: she’s expecting a visit from the landlord, and she wants some excuse for asking a reduction in the rent.” Mary (writing a letter): “Which shall I say, ‘Mrs Brown called lart evening,’ or ‘Mrs. Brown called last night’?” Earl (looking up from his paper) : “Either expression will do They mean the same thing.” “If that is the case, whv do we say ‘good eyep mg* when a visitor Calls and ’good-night’ when he goes?” “From force of habit, I presume; evening and night are synonymous terms.” “Well, they mav be synonymous, but when my name appear? in the society column I imagine you wpuld rather have the report say that I appeared clad in a tasteful evening gown instead of saying I was clad in a'tasteful nightgown.” Mrs Jiggs: “My sister is a splendid nurse. It makes no difference who is sick or what ails them. She goes right to the house and stays there until the sick ones are dead and buried.” Royalty was paying a visit to Boshville, and the family stood at the parlour window watching the procession. “Where’s auntie?” asked mother, looking round and missing her sister. “Upstairs, waving her hair,” was the reply. “Good heavens!” exclaimed mother, “can’t we afford a flag?” Master: “Is my wife going out?” Maid: “Yes sir.” “Do you know if I’m going with her?” A councillor had just returned from the grand tour, and was being dined by his fellow councillors. In reply to the toast, “Our Guest,” he told of his impressions while abroad. “The thing which impressed me most,” said he. “was the Lake of Geneva and the Lake Leman.” A small, insignificant person on his left ventured to say: “They are synonymous.”- The Councillor: “My friend on my. left holds that they are synonymous, but, gentlemen, I regard the Lake of Geneva as the more synonymous of the two.” Elderly Tramp/‘Education is a wonderful thing in our line of business.” “Why, whatever good would education be to us chaps?" “I’ll tell you. I knocked at the door of a tidy villa. When the lady of the house came out to see who it was I quoted a little Shakespeare.” “Well?” “She replied with a little bacon.” An Irish girl dismissed her sweetheart with the statement that she wouldn’t dream of marrying him until lie had saved a thousand pounds. About three month? later the two met again, and she asked him how much he had saved. “About thirty shillings,” said he. “Well,” she replied with a blush, “I reckon that’s hear enough.”

‘‘Why did you allow that fellow to kiss you?” “Did I, George?” “Don’t ‘Did I, George?* me! When I came in, one side of his nose was powdered and ©ne side of yours wasn’t.” 35 35 3*3 Doctor: “Nothing but an operation will save your life.” Doomed Patient: “What will it cost?” “A hundred guineas.” “But I haven’t a hundred guineas.” “Then we must see what pills will do.” 35 35 3-3 “What do they mean by the ‘witching hour’ ?” “Don’t you know? That’s ihe hour when the wife greets you wit! ‘Which story is it this time?’” Angry Customer in restaurant: “Here I’ve found a tack in this doughnut!” Waiter: “The ambitious little thing! It must think it’s a tyre 1 ” Rich but mean r “I’m on my way home, doctor. I feel very seedy and worn out generally. What would you recommend me to take?” Doctor: “A taxi.” Country newspaper’s obituary notice: “He was a man who had indeed suffered much; he had been a subscriber to this paper since its first number.” “I was quite upset when Jack kissed me.” “But surely you had been kissed before.” “Yes. but not in a canoe.” Mother: “Mabel says she has nothing to wear to the dance to-night.” Father: “What became of the beads I got her last week?”