FUN AND FANCY

Star (Christchurch), Issue 18450, 28 April 1928, Page 23 (Supplement)

FUN AND FANCY

“And how did you like the sermon on Sunday, Mrs Jones?” asked the new curate, with a simpering smile. very good indeed, sir,” said Mrs Jones, and so instructive. We really didn t know what sin was till you came here.” Youth: "E’s got a bob on a dog next Saturday, all on the Arsenal for the Cup. all on Oxford for the boat race all on Hermit 11. for the Derby, and anv to come that it don’t rain next St Swithin’s Day—wot I calls an allround sport, is. ## “Shure an’ phwat have ye there, Mrs Clancy?” “An’ it’s tickets for a whist drive, it is thin, Mrs O’Dea.” “Shure, ye can’t play whist, Mrs Clancy. “Shure. n 0,,, but the drive’ll do me good, faith. Famous Judge: Wasn’t that young Smith who left the house as I came in? Joan: Yes, daddy. Judge: Didn’t I issue an injunction against his seeing you any more? Joan: Yes, daddy, but he appealed to a higher court — and mum said “Yes.” Husband an argument) : “I’ll get the better of you some time.” Wife: “How will do 3-ou it?” Husband: “Why. I’U just tell you I was wrong before you start to argue.” Wife: “Will you think of me while vou’re away?” Husband: “I’d like to. niy dear, but the doctor says I should forget all my troubles while on this vacation.” Restaurant Proprietor: “You come into my restaurant, you order a glass vater, you drink it, and you calmly valk out!” Sandy: “What were ye expectin’ me to do, mon, stagger out?”

Customer: “Say, my chest measurement is 36—not 421” Tailor: “That’s

all right, sir. You’ll put out. your chest to beat the band in a suit like this.” Sam: “Ah keeps mah money at home.” Friend: “But, my dear man, you lose the interest in that way. Sam: “No, suh, Ah don’t! Ah puts away somethin’ extra fo’ that.’ Young Jack was talking to the new visitor soon after her arrival. He eyed her critically for a few minutes, and then looked up and said: “So you’re my grandmother, are you?” “Yes, dear, on your father’s side,” remarkedthe old lady, smiling. “Well, you’re on the wrong side; you’ll soon find that out,” replied Jack.

“Brown seems to be making plenty of money.” “Is that so?” “I was at his place the other night, and he did me well. Champagne, Corona Coronas, and that sort of thing.” “Lucky beggar!” “Rather. Why, he goes to America three or four times a year.” “Does he? What line is he in?” “I can’t say; but., judging from the spoons and forks, I should say the Cunard Line.”

The mayor and corporation were attending the church parade of the local troop of Boy Scouts. Afte.r the service the troop lined up outside the church to speed their honoured guests upon their way. The mayor came out, preceded by his mace-bearer, wlio, as he drew level with the first Scout, whispered to him: “Just run and see if the mayor’s carriage is ready for him.” The Scout dashed off, looked both ways, and rushed back to the mace-bearer. Saluting smartly, he announced: “No, sir, I can’t see the mayor’s carriage, but if he’s quick there’s a bus just coming.” A man veo: long flair was

stopped in the street by a small boy who asked the time, and was told it was ten minutes to eleven. “Well, at eleven o'clock,” said the boy, “get your hair cut.” The urchin immediately bolted, but the man gave chase. He rounded the comer, and knocked over a policeman. “What’s wrong?” asked the officer, picking himself up. “That boy told me to get my hair cut at eleven o’clock.” “Well,” said the policeman, looking at his watch, “why are you hurrying? You’ve got nearly ten minutes to spare.” XXX Having a pressing engagement with an important client, an oil merchant was obliged to leave his office in sole charge of a charwoman. “Now,” he said, indicating the telepone, “when you hear the bell ring, just go to the instrument and shout 'Plello, who are ybu?’ and wait for the reply.” The merchant had been out about half an hour when the bell rang furiously. The woman rushed to the telephone, shouted the necessary query, and put the receiver to her ear. “I’m Gussan, from Leeds,” came the answer. “Got a lot of oil for you, and want to send it at once. Be ready to receive it.” Presently the merchant returned, and saw the woman holding a pail under the telephone mouthpiece. “What on earth are you doing?” he asked. “Well, sir,” was the reply, “as soon as you had gone a man shouted that he was sending a large supply of oil, and ask ed someone to receive it, so I’m holding this bucket waitin’ for it to run through!” A poor boy of -wretched appearance, and apparently about ten years old ; was recently brought before a Scotch magistrate, charged with obstruction by playing football in the street.- “Can your father not clothe you decently?” asked his Honor, surveying the bundle of rags with a look of profound disgust. “Ma faither’s dead,” replied the culprit. “But you have some friends, surely?” persisted the magistrate. “I hae a brither.” “Where is he?” “He’s in the University Museum.” “Is he in a situation there?” “Na, he’s in a bottle there: he was born with two heids,” was the unexpected reply.