FUN AND FANCY

Star (Christchurch), Issue 18340, 17 December 1927, Page 23 (Supplement)

FUN AND FANCY

An Irishman had applied for a job as a motor-bus driver. “ Can drive n car?" asked the > yardmaster. “Can 01 drive a. car?”’ repeated the Irishman scornfully. “ Well, suppose you run the bus into the \shed.” Pat climbed c-n to the trembling vehicle. lie looked round, grabbed the biggest lever, and pulled it for all he was worth. Sip! she went into the shed. Pat saw trouble ahead and, guessing what would happen, reversed the lever. Out she went; then in again and out again. “ I thought you said you could run a car," demanded the yardmaster. “Oi had her in three toimes,” replied Pat. “ Why didn't you shut the door?” Grace; “ Dearest, will you love me when I’m old?” Gerald: “Love your I shall idolise—um —you don’t expect to look like your mother, do you?" •A man entered a chemist’s shop, and handed the assistant a small parcel containing a white powder. "Do you mind telling me what that is?” he add ed. “ 1 think it’s sugar. Do you mind testing it and giving me your opinion?’ The chemist touched it with his tongue and said; “It certainly isn’t sugar!’ “ Then my wife must be right. She bought it for rat poison.” “ Supposing I decide to let you have the mone}-, how do I know that I shat get it back at the time you mention?' “ I promise it. my boy, on the word o a gentleman.” “In that case 1 ma: consider it. Come round this eveninj and'bring him with you.” Son: “ I don’t know whether to be .

hairdresser or a writer.” Father: V Toss for it. Heads or tales.” Mistress: “ T*don't think you will find roe difficult, to suit, Marie." New Maid: . “ 1 am sure not,, ma’am. I saw your husband as I ramekin. ■ Old Lad}-: “ I suppose you sailors are very.. careful when you go to 3ea?” Sailorr ‘‘We tr# to be as wreckless as possible." '<* « r r m She (to grocer): “Shall I open c.n account, or do you prefer to have me pay for what 1 get?" Grocer-: “Both, 1 ma’am** .. ~ .. .. ‘

Mrs Brown was praising her new maid's wonderful qualities —especially her trustworthiness —to envious friends, when the girl entered the room with tea. “ Oh, Jenkins,” said Mrs Brown, “ will you run upstairs and fetch the letter I left on my dressing-table?” “ Er—er—which one, mum?” enquired Jenkins. “The one about your brother’s weddin’, or the one about the bazaar?” Asked if the man who learned to play a cornet on the Sabbath would go to heaven, Spurgeon said: “ I don’t see why he should not, but I doubt whether i the’ man next door will.” ! Guest: ‘‘l sav, Mrs Smith, your hus--1 hand is just coming in. My wife and 1 will hide behind the curtain, and you tell him we haven't been able to come ' after all. Then we ll step out and surj prise him.” When her husband entered Mrs Smith exclaimed: “Oh, Jack! Isn’t it a pity? Mr and Mrs Brown I haven’t been able to come to dinner ! after all!” “Pity?” said the husband. “ I’m jolly glad ! ” Yankee: “Columbus was a prophet as well as a discoverer.” Briton: “ Why?” “ When he saw America didn’t he shout, ‘ I see dry land’?” Mr G abba lot* “And*so you are the lady who is giving my wife painting lessons? What sort of a pupil is she. Miss Daubber: “Well, I find her verj - apt, to say the least.” Air Gabbalot “ That’s funny. I always find her verj apt to say the most.

si A'Scottish doctor ivho was attend ’ ! ihg a laird had instructed the ;butler j how to take and record his master's j | temperature with a thermometer. Fay- • i ing his usual morning call, he said to lithe butler: “Well, John, I'..hope the I laird's temperature is not any higher : to-day?” “ Week was the .reply, I = was j 11st wonderin’ that niysel’t \e see, he died at _ Lady of House! v What caused you ito become a tramp ? ” Ragged Rogers. i “ The fam’ly physician, mum. He ad- - 'vised me to take long walks after me meals, an’ I’ve been walking after ’em ever since.”

She sank on the settee with a sigh of itense weariness. “ I’m very tired, I lid she to her new maid; “bring me »mething to slip into. ’ “Oi will that, liss,” said the colleen. After a rather ;ng interval the maid arrived bearing a. tray on which was a thick steak, fried onions, and a bottle ot stout. “ Xow, just be afther slipping into that, mum; it’ll do ye good,” said she v “ Yes, I ’card you wos in th’ hospital. Was yer very bad?” “ Bad? I should think'l was'bad! Why, a pal brings me in a bottle o’ beer, an’ 1 /couldn't so mucli as look at it.” Mrs Bing: “I wish these recipes would be more definite.” Mr Bing: “What’s the difficulty, my dear.'” “ This one. tells how to use up old potatoes, but does not say how old the potatoes must be.” “ Why is a hen like the British Empire?” “Because her son never sets, of course.” “ John, dear, will you meet mother at the station to-night and show her the way home?” "There’s nothin’ I’d like more. Where now?” “ I must admit, my dear, that womer are more beautiful than men.” Xatur

ally.” “ No, artificially.” Uncle: “You little rascal, how man\ •times have you been whacked at schoo to-day?” Tommy: “ Dunno, uncle. ] don’t take any notice of what goes or behind my back.” “ Your wife is wonderful. 1 ncvei knew a woman who could talk st fluently on a given subject.” “ Foi 1 that reason, I take mighty good can not to give her one.' “ So vottr daughter’s married, I heal I expect, you found if very hard 1< part with her.” ‘‘Hard! I sliouh think ;■•>. Between \on and me, mi hov, T began to think it .was imposs i'ble! ” “Prisoner,” said the magistrate, "yoi have already been sentenced elevei times for vagrancy, violent assault , embezzlement, theft, and so on. “Would you mind not speaking so lou< your worship? My intended father-ir. law is in court, and you might damag my

Teacher: “What is Leeds noted for?” Pupil: “Woollen goods and ready-math suits.” “A'nvthirig else?” “Yes, miss iron.” "What use do they make ol the iron?’" “Please, they use it to press the suits they make.’ “My poor husband was a wonderful irrtist,” sighed the landlady as she hacked at the piecrust. “He alwav: said he found inspiration in , mv cooking.” “A sculptor, I presume,” said the toothless boarder, surveying | his bent fork.” Loving Wife: “Now that you are j ruined, Henry, I will disclose my sec ; ret. For years I have been saving up. j and now (pouring a shower of silver j coins into his hat) this may tide >on over.” Husband: “Oh, mv darhng. , how did you manage to do it Whe j “Easily enough. Every time you said j an unkind thing to me T put a shilling ; | into a box.” 1. | Tommy (arriving home from school) j “I am in the back seat now mother, j Mother: “Good boy! 1 suppose you j Iliad all your sums correct? Tommy: • “No, mother, the front seats arc being | painted.” j The vicar's wife was enthusiastic and j ! appreciative about the new curate, and j i when she called on an old lady parish- | ioner she turned the conversation in j j his direction. “You know, she said j “he is capable in so maily ways, but i what 1 like about him most oi all is that ho is a real altruist.” “I'm surI prised to hear that.” exclaimed the old lady, “for I heard him singing last Sunday, and I could declare he was a tenor ” :V :: . The manager of the warehouse arrived at his place of business just five . minutes after the whistle for work had blown, and met. a wareboHeemau, whom he had engaged only the previous day, walking out with a large parcel under his arm. “Hullo!” he exclaimed “Where on earth are you going to -with that bundle?” “Home, replied the worker. “Home? Explain youisclt. , “Well,” said the other, the. job ' you engaged me for, isn tit r * Ccr I ta'inly not. I engaged you _to help - with the stocktaking.” “That s right, : said the workman cheerfully. “And isn’t that exactly what I’m doing, sir?