Fun and Fancy

Star (Christchurch), Issue 17352, 17 May 1924, Page 24

Fun and Fancy

Lady (visiting ship, to sailor escort) : ; “I suppose tips are forbidden.’! Sailor: “Lor’, mum; so was apple*! in the Garden of Eden.’ ’ He: “ How is that back tyre on* your side, Eunice?” She (looking over the side of the car): “Oh, it’s all right. It’s flat on the bottom, j but it’s round on the top.” Stranger; “Bones is your doctor, ini’t he?” Shoemaker: “He is.” “Do you think he over helped you?” “Oh, yes, T think lie has. He tells all his patients to walk more.” Angler : “Is this a public lake, my 1 man?” Resident: “Aye.” Angler: “ Then it won’t tie a crime if I land a fiedj?” Resident: “No, itUl be a' miracle.” Customer: “Look here, I want a shave, understand Not a hair cut, nor a shampoo, nor face massage, uot hair cream, nor razor blades—just a shave.” 'Barber (meekly) : “ Certainly*^sir —er, s-s-shall I lather your face, “ Jim, lend me a fiver for a moment—only for a moment.” “ Quite sure you only want it for a moment?” “ Quite sure only for a moment.” ' “ Very well, then ; wait a moment and then you won’t want it.” Little Girl: “'Was that p’Hc.eman 1 ever a little baby, mother?*’ Mother- “ Why, yes, dear!” Little Girl : “ i , don’t believe I’ve ever seen a baby rTiccman;” “What brand.o’ bacca are ye smokin’. Jock?” “ I him.” Merchant: “ If any one asks for ms, 'James, I shall be back in ten min utea.” Office-Boy: ‘ Very well. And hoy soon will you be back if no one a*kp for you?” Prison lisitor: “What brought you here, my man?” Prisoner: “I married a new woman, sir.” “Aha! And she wa.s so domineering and extravagant that it drove you to desperate courses, eh?” “ No; the old woman turned up!” Efficiency Expert; “ You are wasting too much time on your personal appearance.” Shorthand Typist: “It’s not wasted. I’ve only been here six months, and I’m already engaged to the junior partner.” Tailor: “Mr Jones. I must ask you P a J* your account without delay. -°n must make some definite arrangement with me.” Mr Jones • “Sure! Suppose you call every Thursday.” Teacher: “Do you think Nelson ./ould be an admiral if he were living to-day?” Tommy: “No.” Teacher; Why not? ’ Tommy; “He would be too old.” “ Dearest, do you think you could be happy with a man like me?” “ Well, perhaps—if/ ho wasn’t too muck like you 1”

“Excuse me. Mr Robinson. I have courted jour daughter for eighteen years.” “Well, what do you want? ’ “ I want to marry her.” “ Good heavens, is that all? I thought perhaps you wanted a pension.” “ Ah wants a day off. boss, to look for a job for mail wife.” “And--if she doesn’t get it?” “All’ll be back to-morrow.” 4 Sage: “There are two sides to every question.” Fool: “Yes, and there are two sides to a sheet of flypaper, but it makes a mighty big difference to* the fly on which side he chooses.” Nurse: “No. Willie, no more cakes to-night. Don’t you know yon can’t sleep on a full stomach?” Willie*: “ Well, I can sleep on my back, can’t I?” “ I thought you had thrown George over.” “Yes, I did. But you know how a girl throws.” “ Harold, I see they have published a dictionary containing 5000 extra words.” “Great Scott! For heaven’s sake don’t tell your mother Magistrate: “You were here last week, were you uot?” Prisoner- “ Yes.” “ Twice last week?” “ Yes.” “Do you want a season ticket?” She: “I can’t stand kissing?” He: “Shull we sit down?” e Stranger: “Js there a good criminal lawyer in this town?” Native: “•Well, everybody thinks we’ve got one. but tltey ain’t been able to prove it yet ■” Wife: “I dreamed last night that I had a perfectly lovely hat.” Husband : “ That’s the first dream of a hat you ever had that didn’t cost me money.” Photographer ; “I have been taking some moving pictures of life on you. farm.” Farmer: “Did you catch my labourers in motion?” “I think so.” “ Ah. well, science is a wonderful thing*” First Boy: “Lost your job as a caddy?” Second Boy : “Yes; I could do the work all right,.but I couldn t le Irn not to laugh.” Father: “Just fancy. Willie, years ago these fields were covered by the sea, and fish were swimming where we stand.” Willie: “Yes, papa, here’s an empty, salmon tin.” Teacher: “What is a synonvm?” Billy: “Please, sir. it’s a word yo l use in place of another when you can’t spell the other.” Last Mistress: " How are 3*ou getting along at your new place, Mary?” Maid:' ‘ Very well, thank you.” ” I'm glad to hear it. Your new mistress is very kind. You can’t do too much for her.” “ Well, I don’t mean to, ma'am.”