Fun and Fancy

Star (Christchurch), Issue 17346, 10 May 1924, Page 24

Fun and Fancy

Lover (a medical student) : “ Do you know, dear, I have a heart affection for you?” Fiancee; “Have you had it lung?” *' Oh, yes, I feel that I will liver troubled life without you:” " Then | you had better asthma.” “ Ah, poor Jenkinson never knew what a jewel of a wife he had until —” “Until he lost bet?’* “ Nb; until he married again.” Vicar Cat village concert): ‘‘Miss Jones, will sing again—* I cannot tell you why ’! ” He: "And where’s that husband of yours, Mrs Bloggs? Quaffing the wassail bowl, eh?” She: “Not ’e. Mr Brown; drinking round at the Black Duck, that’s what ’e’s doin’;” Newly-blessed Benedict: "I couldn’t get a wink of sleep on account of a discordeon that kept at it all night.” Chum: "Discordeon? What new instrument is that?” Benedict: "Only the baby.” Wife (short and corpulent): "Am I not a little pale?” Grumpy Husband: “You look more like a big tub.” Husband: “Can you keep a secret?” Wife: "Of course not. What is the good of knowing a secret unless you may immediately tell it to somebody else?” Ma: “ What are you doing rolling that dustbin?” Young Imp: ‘‘Amusing baby.” Ma: "Where is baby?” Young Imp: "Inside it.” Mistress (to servant): “Now, Mary, considering that you are quite ready to take the advice of any idiot who offers it to you, I can’t think why it is you will never listen to me I ” Diminutive Lover: " Will you marry me, Dorothy?” Dorothy: “No, I couldn't think of it. The 'fact is, John, that you a little too big for a cradie and a little too small to go to church with.” THE REASON WHY. “ Why is Bings, the poet, lookipg so worried to-day?” “ Well, he sent his latest poem to a newspaper, and the editor thought it was a double acrostic, and printed it in the puzzle column.” NO CHARACTER. Butler, at fancy dress ball, who has been told to announce people by the characters they represent: " What character?” Guests: Oh, no particular character. Butler (at the top of his voice) : Two ladies of no character in particular. HOW HE* DID IT. X: Seven years ago I arrived in this town with only one shilling, but that shilling gave me my start. Y: You must have invested it very profitably. X: I did. I telegraphed home for money. NOTHING TO LAUGH AT. An old lady visiting the Zoo asked the man in charge what was the funniest beast he had ever seen. “ Well, mum,” replied the man, “ I think the hyena takes the cake; he’s always laughing, and what the deuce there is to laugh at I’m blowed if I know.” NOT WHAT SHE MEANT. "Good morning!” said an old lady, entering a baker’s shop. " Permit me to compliment you on the lightness of yqur bread! ” The baker rubbed his hands and smiled benignly. " Thank you, madam!” he said. “It is my aim to make the lightest bread in this town.” “ And you do it,” said the old lady. “If it gets much lighter it will take two of your pound loaves to weigh sixteen ounces 1 ” TO SUM IT UP. Grace met her uncle in the street one da}'. He asked whether she was going to the school children’s party. “ No,” replied Grace, “ I ain't going.” "My dear,” said her uncle, " you must not say ‘ I ain’t going.” You must say ‘I am not going.’ ” And he proceeded to give her a little lesson in grammar: "You are not going. He is not going. V e are not going. They are not going. Now, can you say all that?” ** ’Course, I can," responded Grace, cheerily. “ There ain't nobody going.” FLATTERING? They had just renewed their acquaintance after he had been abroad for some years. “ Upon my word, Miss Hawkins,” he said. " I should hardly have known you, you have altered so much.” " For better or worse?” she asked. “ Ah. my dear girl.” he replied gallantly, " you could only change for the better! ” NO TROUBLE NEXT TIME! An irascible bridegroom of 73, marrying his third wife, went into the vestry to sign the register. After several fruitless attempts to make a mark on the paper, he turned to the clerk and said: "This is the second or third time you’ve played me this trick! Next time I shall bring my own pen.”

Father: “You want a flogging. Jack." Son : " I know it, dad; but I’ll try to get alqng with it.” Visiting Friend: " Goodness gracious! Does you baby always , cry that way?” Host: “Oh, dear no! He lias quite an extensive repertoire. This is only one of his lighter performances He reserves his heavy work for two Mrs Lafferty: "Tin stitches did th* doctor have to put in me ould marl after that fight wi’ them policemen last noight!” Mrs O'Hara: "Tin, was it, only tin? Sure, when th’ doctor sen me poor husban’ carried in this mornin’ he sez, sez he, ‘ Do there be no wan here wid such a t’ing as a sewing machine?’ ” " You’ve got enough brass in vour face to make a kettle.” “ And you have enough water in your head to nil It;” Indignant Wife: ‘ I wonder wliat you would have done if you had lived when men were first compelled to earn their bread by the sweat of their brow.” Indolent Husband: "I should have opened a shop and sold handkerchiefs.” Jew Passenger at sea in a storm (to captain); "Vos *lhe ship sinking''” Captain: “ Yes.” “And all the boats vas vashed away?” “Yes.” "Then who vants to puy a diamond ring for fourpence?” Master: "Boys, if I stand with my back to the sun at midday, what have I on my right hand?” James: “ Fingers.” Gibson: “ I hear you have had an addition to your family.” Jobson: "Yes, two.” "Twins?” "No—a baby boy and my wife’s mother.” A DIFFERENT MATTER. Dorcas, aged nine, on her way home from school, was met by her mother, who asked disapprovingly, “Why were you walking with all'those boys instead of those nice little girls just behind you?” " I was not walking with those boys,” Dorcas replied, after due deliberation. " They were walking with me ! ” WAIT A LITTLE LONGER. Sandy (entering nursery garden) : Have you a nice cucumber? Gardener: Yes, here is one. That will be fivepence. Sandy: Too much. Have ye no’ one for twapence. Gardener: Ye can hae this for twa pence. Sandy: All richt, here’s the twa pence. But don’t cut it off; I’ll be calling for it in about a fortnight. NOT THE SAME NOWADAYS. “ Mr—now Lord—Balfour was one day strolling near his Scottish home at Whittingehame, when he was accosted by an old man hailing from a neighbouring village. On being presented with a shilling the man whispered to Mr Balfour, ‘ Mon, dae ve ken what I’m gaun to tell ye?' ‘ No,’ replied the statesman. ‘Well,’ was the rejoinder, ‘ it’s gaun tae rain seventv-twa days.’ Mr Balfour, thinking to have a little fun with hirn, remarked, ‘ That cannot be, for the world was entirely flooded in forty days.’ 4 But,’ returned the old fellow, 4 the world wisna sae weel drained then as it is noo.’ ” —From " Quotable Anecdotes,” by Mr D. B. Knox. JONAH S INTIMACY WITH THE WHALE. "Miss Helen Mar, in her book of stories, recalls that of a very young and nervous curate who had to discourse one morning upon the vicissitudes of Jonah and the whale. ‘And for three days and three nights,’ he began, ‘Jonah was in the ” He blushed, stammered, stopped and then started afain. 4 For three days and three nights Jonah was in the ’ Once more he ivas covered with confusion and once more he stopped, and mopped his face, from which the perspiration was literally pouring, with his handkerchief. Then he gathered his courage in both hands, and with a might effort he finished triumphantly, 4 And for three days and three, nights Jonah was in the society of the whale.’ ” —From “ Quotable Anecdotes,” by Mr D. B. Knox. NOT ACCORDING TO SHAKESPEARE. My first English pupil in England, says Mme. Blanche Marchesi, in “ Singer's Pilgrimage.” related to me this amusing conversation between herself and one of her fellow pupils whom she met on a holiday, cruise in Palmero : “Well, how did you like Italy?” she asked the girl. " \ ery much,” was the reply. “ Well, is that all you have to say? What impressed you the most?” 44 Oh, I see what you mean,” was the answer. “ I liked everything. 1 liked the silk ties in Rome and the kid gloves in Florence, and naturally, the fruit in Sicily.” She paused. 44 Is that all?” asked her friend ironically. Then the girl understood that she had blundered somehow and tried to make up for it. " Well, I told you I loved it all. Naturally I loved the churches and the monuments and the fountains in Rome, and all the statues and especially the one of the she-wolf who suckled Romeo and Juliet.”