EVER HEARD THIS?

Star (Christchurch), Issue 17190, 6 November 1923, Page 4

EVER HEARD THIS?

STORIES FOR ALL MOODS. A MIXED BAG.

An old farmer lay so dangerously ill that the doctor gave no hope of recovery. Whilst lying in an apparently semi-conscious state, lie suddenly opened his eyes ami said to his wife, who was watching by his bedside: “Alary, that’s a nice smell, it's just like ham cooking. I almost think I could eat a little, if it is cooked.” The reply was: “Thee get on with the dying, that ban. is for the funrThis story i* one of throe hundred good varus in “ Ever Heard This." by V. \V. Chambers. Here are some others: A NEW RECIPE At one of tho meetings of n literary club a dish of peas was brought in. become almost grey with age. ought to carrv those peas to Kensington.” said one of the pArty. “Why?” asked another. 11 Because it’s the Oliver Goldsmith. author of The Vicar of Wakefield.” who had no sense of humour, hearing this, was delighted and made a note of the joke. The next evening, dining out, he was pleased to find a dish of yellow peas on the table. 44 These ought to b© sent to Kensington,” ho said “ Why?’* ho was asked. 44 Because that’s the way to make them green.” he replied. A Ncofc and a minister were in a train together travelling through a lovely part of Scotland. Beautiful scenery - mountains, dales, rivers ami all the glories of Nature. When passing a grand mountain*they saw a huge advertisement for So-and-So’s whisky The Scot gave a snort of disgust. Theminister leant forward and said. {{ I’m glad to see, sir. that you agree with me that they shoul dnot be allowed to desecrate the IreautiCs of Nature by advertisement.” 44 It’s no’ that, sir.” said tho Scot, bitterly, “ it’s rotten tv husky. * WHAT’S IN A NAME? A lawyer who was sometimes forgetful, having been engaged to plead the case of an offender, begilfi by saving: “.I know the prisoner at the bar, and ho bears the character of being a moat consummate and impudent scoundrel.'' Hero somebody whispered to him that the prisoner was his client, when he immediately continued : ** But what great and good man ever lived who was not calumniated by many of his contemporaries?*’ At Durham Assizes a deaf old lady, who had brought an action for damages against a neighbour, was being examined, when the judge suggested a compromise, and instructed counsel to ask what she would take to settle tho matter. 4 * His lordship wants to know what 3'ou will take?” asked the elarned counsel, bawling as loud as he could in the old lady’s ear. 44 I thank his lordship kindly,” answered the ancient dame ; * 4 and if it’s no inconvenience to him, I’ll take a little warm ale 1” A great punster was Sir G. Rose. Cnee, observing someone imitating his gait, he said. ” You have the stalk without the rose.” The late Judge C one day bad occasion to examine a witness who i stuttered very much in delivering his 1 testimony. "I believe,’’ said his lordship. ‘ 4 you are a very great rogue.” ” Not so great a rogue, as you, my , lord, t-t-t-takes me to be.” Miss Grace Ellison, in her ‘‘ An Engj lish-woman in Angora.” describes a j Turkish wedding, which she calls 41 a fine example of true democracy as practised in the East.” ” Among tho guests in their elaborate l*e.ll-dressea, trimmed with orange blossom, I noticed the Grand Vizier s wife: and then, catching eight of a very differently attired group of women. wearing faded and worn tcharehaffs and feradjes, I realised that the ‘ bath-women ’ of the family had come uninvited to the feast ! And the door of the harem was wide open, that all might enter in to see the presents, admire the dresses, and all the other delightful feminine intimacies of such an occasion. *' As a matter of fact, I was told by Zeyneb. any woman can go to a Turkish wedding without having been invited. 4 You in England only ask your intimate friends, and yet you have to employ detectives to watch the

STORIES THE TURKS LIKE. “ Simple stories about tho Royal Family of Great Britain,” says Miss Ellison, 44 interested the Turks far more than my * grander ’ or more romantic reminiscences from the Courts of Europe. They are never tired of hearing that our Edward VII. only required one 4 gentleman-in-waiting ’ at a time At Marianbad, whereas the Czar (Ferdinand) of Bulgaria was always accompanied by a suite of eight or nine. Sir Edward Gosclien was instructed to dress, like his royal master, in a green Tyrolese hat with its little shooting teatner. «*#le was sent to sit on 4 the king’s bench ’ until the crowd bad satisfied their natural desires for 4 a good view * and gone home to breakfast-. Then Edward VII. hini3elf arrived” Miss Ellison says she hnd never met an “ old maid ” in Turkey, and doubts whether one could be found* THE CONFESSION. "The Southlands of Siva.” by AButterworth. is full of good anecdotes of Southern India and its inhabitants. The author hnd to go to a prison i and take down a confession by a na- ! tive murderer, who had broken into a i house with some friends and murdered 1 the owner. ! The murderer made a Full confession ! and then said :- - 14 As we were coming away from thw house we saw . a cock. Muttayya w’anted to kill it, but T snid, 4 Why should we kill the poor bird? liCt it alone ’ ” When Mr Butterworth was in Trichir.cpoly lie received tbe following letter from a resilient one Ohristmastide 44 Many happy returns of the season await you! May the thorns of care : never beset your path ! May peace ! bo an inmate of your bosom and rap% | turn i freouent visitor of your soul ) May the bloodhounds of misfortune ! i.ever track your steps nor the sc.reech- ! owl c-f sorrow alarm your dwelling! j May enjoyments tell your hours and pleasures number your days! Blessed ; !>© he that blesses you. and cursed bo WHAT STRUCK HIM. ! There is a tale of a young EnglishJ n an who had spent two years touring ! the world. On his return he was | asked what he thought was the most j remarkable sight he had seen. I After a little thought, lie replied, Well, do you know, I think the thin?, ; that struck mo most was the way those fellows in Australia light a match in a gale of wind.” THE HINDU’S SIMPLICITY. The Hindu is often most extraordinarily simple, savs the author, and lie illustrates this with a story, told him by a friend. “ Maclntyre met a man walking J alone ilong a road, tarrying in bi«

hands a constable’s turban and tulwar! and on his head a large bundle. There * ensued conversation. 4 4 Why are you doing with that j turban and sword?’ j 44 1 They are the constable’s. lan j a prieoner, and he is taking me to j the lock-up.’ 4 4 4 Where is the constable?” “ 4 He has stopped behind for a bit j in the village over yonder. He will ; be coming along soon.’ ; 44 4 What is the bundle on your j head ?* “ 1 Ob. that is the stolen property.’ ” j 4 AS THE CROW FLIES.” A subaltern, who had been on a duty- ! journey, put in a bill tor travelling, allowance, which was not permissible, | as tbe journey did not exceed irv© : 14 He got back an Objection Memo signed by a Colonel Bird demanding Lie reason for making the claim, the two places not being five miles apart • as the crow flie-s.’ Tho reply endorsed on the memo, by tbe subaltern ran: 4 I did not go as the crow flies. i went on a horse. lam not a * Bird.’ 44 The subaltern was reported for insubordination. but tho storv goes that Kitchener wax so amused that, he did nothing.”